Friday, May 30, 2008

The Hunt

Most of the time when we cruise through the "Watch Instantly" list on Netflix and find a horror film, made in the 90's, involving actors you've never heard of and starring, worst of all, a child you can pretty much be assured that what you're about to witness is basically someone's home made horror film that they somehow convinced Netflix to carry (seriously, half these films aren't even found on imdb!)

And The Hunt was no exception!

hahahahaha! Just kidding...

The Hunt, although it fitted the description was by no means terrible like many other films that have similar plot outlines and summaries. The child actor could actually act for one thing, which is a big plus given that that's what ruins a lot of horror films.

At first, I'll admit, I thought it was an amazing film in one sense (Only one, the film wasn't in any way really brilliant overall) since it was made in "Shaky-Cam-o-Vision" and made a little while before Cloverfield and Diary Of The Dead which seem to have glorified the movement... however then Becky pointed out the striking similarities between this film and The Blair Witch Project which I had briefly forgotten existed and then I realized, once again, that The Hunt was just another mediocre film with some mediocre happenings... but it was well editted and acted which was about a million times better than I expected it to be...

Monday, May 26, 2008

Loch Ness Terror

Two key points about this film:

1) This film did not take place at Loch Ness

2) This film was not terrifying

This film perhaps should have been called "Lake Superior Upset". Or "Loch Ness Is In The First 5 Minutes Of This Film And Mentioned Several Times Throughout The Rest By A Bunch Of Crazies Around Lake Superior". Or "Nessie Gets Really Lost". Or "Nessie Plays With Magnets Then Explodes".

All would have been better and more accurate titles.

"Microwaving Nessies Bottom (Or Right Thigh)"

"The Man That Wasn't Steve Irwin Finds The Loch Ness Monster Isn't Living In Loch Ness At All!"

"Dinosaur Egg Surprise"

"The Mediocre Film"...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Movie Thoughts: David Lynch and Werner Herzog together

I made a video and in the video I discuss with myself the implications for mankind if David Lynch and Werner Herzog were to create a film together... well, maybe not the implications for mankind but I sure do discuss those two...
I also briefly make some sort of a review(ish) for "Lynch", a documentary about David Lynch. I'm not going to give it a rating out of 5 though because I'm still not 100% sure whether it was trying to be funny or not...


Friday, May 16, 2008

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

Call me olf-fashioned, stuck in the mud or just plain boring but I'm of the school of thought that still believes that when making a film, no matter how lame people are already going to presume it is, it's a good idea to let people see what's happening.

I mean, surely that's the point in "motion pictures", isn't it? Otherwise it's just a radio show with a funny flashing screen...

I must be wrong though because this movie's screen was pitch black for a good third of it. Granted, you could see an occasional shining of light or a vaguest of vague shadow of something possibly moving in the dark, maybe, but not really enough to make it even in the slightest bit possible for you to tell what's actually going on.

And since the Alien nor the Predator can actually speak, all that accompanies this perpetual darkness for much of the film is some gurgling grunts and screeches while the Alien/Predator (Because at most points in the film you can't even tell which of the two fuckers is actually doing anything) go about doing whatever it is they're doing in the dark.

Ironic (or just retarded) that the scenes which are most illuminated are those featuring humans who, in case you hadn't noticed, didn't appear in the title of the movie. Humans who, in case you hadn't guessed, you can't give two shits about and feel they should just be there for cannon fodder. So why light up these boring fucks and have the scenes involving the only interesting looking things in the film be shrouded in complete darkness?

Well, I don't fucking know but that's why this film gets just one smiley face.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Day Of The Dead (2008)

I used to firmly believe, and also have it proven time and time again, that all a movie had to do was involve zombies in one way or another and I'd at the very least be able to sit through it and enjoy it...
Seriously, I've watched some drivel zombie flicks. From members of the "Return Of The Living Dead" series (Sorry fans, but they're really quite lame) to some old zombie films set in prisons that no-one's ever heard of, and no-one's ever wanted to hear of... but no matter how camp, dumb, retarded, mentally challenged, completely unrealistic looking, ridiculous, poorly acted or just plain shitty they were I was still able to take away from them the feeling of having watched a film with zombies in it. In itself, I thought, was something unmistakably unique and special and that no movie could possibly fail in, if they happened to contain zombies in any way, shape or form.

That was until I saw the "remake" of Day Of The Dead which made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs with a rusty spoon

Saturday, May 3, 2008

I Am Legend

Yeah so I've had a few beers, and yeah, I do prefer to review less... well... films that don't star Will Smith so much... yeah, so what?

You wanna make something of it, pal?

HUH?

Mothe...

Hey! I'm talking to you! You wanna hear this review or not?
Ok, ok...

So like, Will Smith is the last human alive, right? And like... he's some doctor, and he's working on something because... uh, oh wait no, because see... there are other people but they're just all like... crazed out on some cancer or something, right? Is that what happened?

Wait, can I start this review over? I get one do-over, right...

Man, look, I'll be honest... I started watching this film, had me a few beers and couldn't stop yelling at the T.V. and telling the Fresh Prince to get home to Bel Air before the shit got too real!
He didn't listen... the dumb bastard.
Then he hopped in his fancy airplane with Jeff Goldblum and blew up all the bad guys.

BOOM!

Shit got real.

Then my review started!

Ok, so Will Smith was just an ordinary New Yorker, not a care in the world when suddenly POW! a movie came along that was pretty cool about humanity being extinct. In this movie, stuff happened, but that's not important. What is important is that he had a pretty awesome dog.
That dog was so sweet, man.
It was all like, "woof!"
And Will was all like "Shut the fuck up, this is meant to be a serious movie about wierdo people who live in shitty buildings"
Then the dog was all like, "woof?"
Which was doggie for "For real?"
And Will was all like, "For real."

Then I'm pretty sure he made out with his creepy manican girlfriend. Dude, he totally made out with her and it was gross.
Then he totally cried about it, because he was a bit of a wuss.
Then, he said "Home, to Bel Air!"
And all was good.

Until the ending.

Seriously!

The fucking ending to this movie can fuck off and suck someplace else because I was thoroughly enjoying this movie until the last 10 minutes or so!

Dude

fuck

off!



P.S. I'll give this as many tags as I want. This is my blog MOTHERFUCKERS!