Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Confessions Of A Superhero

Never have I felt sorry for a group of superheroes so much in my life...

Confessions Of A Superhero follows the lives of people who, if you saw in the street, you probably wouldn't think twice about. They dress up as superheroes (And various other film and TV characters), stand around on Hollywood Boulevard waiting for tourists to take pictures with them and then hope and pray that they receive a tip for it. Sounds like a harmless enough job and, like I say, you probably wouldn't think twice about these people... but what if you did?


These superheroes (the ones followed in this film at least, I can't speak for the rest of them) are aspiring actors who see themselves as landing roles in big Hollywood films sometime in the future and basically they're doing this tip-taking character posing as a job in the mean time. Kind of like working at a comic book store but with more dignity...

... hmmm... well anyway you get the picture. It's just a job like any other except I guess at least they're acting? So a step up? I dunno...

Anyhoo, the film follows 4 of the superheroes. Superman, Batman, The Hulk and Wonder Woman. And, although you feel a deep seeded, gut-wrenching, heart breaking sympathy for each and every one of their deluded little souls it's important to point out some info on them as individuals so that it's clear who's just a harmless fan and who's a raging psychopath who should be locked away forever...

Superman (Christopher Dennis) is a huge fan of Superman. I mean gob-smackingly huge. I don't find fanatics weird in any way though so this isn't a problem and in fact it only makes me feel like he probably really really really loves his job a lot. Since he doesn't come across as a creep at any point in the film this doesn't seem like a problem for anyone other than him and his wife who both have to live with a collection of posters, action figures (He had a "poster and action figure room" in his house!), memorabilia, movie soundtracks and collectible condoms scattered throughout their fine home...

The Hulk (Joe McQueen) isn't such a fan and is definitely much more open about the fact that he just wants to be an actor and is just doing this as a sideline... he was homeless for years after running to LA seeking fame and fortune and even attended auditions while he was living on the streets. Auditioners laughed at him. No-one hired him. And yet here he is, filling the movie with a chirpy optimism and relative lack of delusion that is somehow lost on the other 3 stars of the documentary... He's also the only one who seems to be making an acting career (so far) outside of dressing up as a superhero. Something to be said about chirpy optimism perhaps?

Wonder Woman (Jennifer Gehrt) is again very clear that this is just a job she does while waiting for her big break. She's also not too delusional but she lacks that optimistic whirl that's lifting Joe McQueen into prominent roles like "Henchman #2"... She needs to lighten up. And dress as a superhero people give a shit about.

And last but not least...

Batman (Maxwell Allen) who, true to the dark character of The Dark Knight, is a fucking nut-job. Not only is he dressing up as Batman but he's some sort of sociopath. He attends his therpay sessions as Batman where he proceeds to tell the Psychiatrist all about his dark (made up) "past" where he claims to have done errands for the mob (He grew up in Texas, by the way) including, but not limited to, beating the life out of people failing to pay debts, killing people (in unspecified ways) and knee-capping, even though earlier in the documentary he said he hadn't beaten up anyone while being an "enforcer" for the mob... get your story straight Batman! He also claims his ex was blown up in a tragic car accident that he was meant to be in...

... or perhaps he just didn't have a job for a while and watched a lot of TV. I mean a lot of TV.
But those days are behind him! Now he's just a habitual liar who threatens tourists who don't want their photo taken, bad-mouths Spider-man (Who in a real superhero battle would kick his ass, by the way), and probaby beats his wife when there aren't any cameras rolling (Seriously.).

That is until they announce he was arrested!


Were his Mob stories true?

Did the police track down his murderous past and find one of his many thousands of victims decapitated and buried in a shallow grave in the desert?


He was arrested for disorderly conduct. He basically harassed a few tourists a little too much and then the police when they came to give him a ticket or a slap on the wrist or whatever they do...
Then, like the roving lunatic that he so clearly is, he decided to kick out the window in the squad car he was being taken away in?!?

Oh Batman, where did it all go wrong...

Fortunately only a quarter of the film is about Batman and therefor it doesn't turn into a comedy. Instead it's a gut-wrneching, tear jerking sob story...

I mean, Superman didn't even win the superhero look-a-like competition?
What the fuck is wrong with the World!?!?

Fuck it all...

The Real Superhero - the documentaries official website

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Amazing Screw-on Head

This film is only 22 minutes long!

Proportionally, this review should only be three lines long.

So, umm… this film was really funny yet somehow confused me on a deep level that I don’t think I quite comprehend, here’s a trailer goodbye!

The Dark Knight

Before reading this review you may want to meander on over to my review of Batman Begins, just for shits and giggles.

While you’re at it you may, before you see the film The Dark Knight, want to see Batman Begins as it seems many people neglected to see the original film before seeing the sequel.

Don’t ask me why but the reason I think it happened is because I have observed many people comment negatively on the deep, raspy, Batman-like voice that Christian Bale uses in the film.

Maybe I’m the only one who was paying attention during Batman Begins (perfectly possible) but I seem to recall this really minor character who was in a couple of scenes whose name I believe was “Batman” who had a very similar deep, raspy, Batman-like voice to the character named “Batman” in the sequel. Strangely I don’t recall anyone really caring about his voice in the original film… So either, I was the only one who noticed that Batman was in the first film in the series or else no-one else actually saw the film because none of the actors died prior to it’s release.

Why so furious?

Yeah I went there.

If you go back to my original review you’ll see that I was looking forward to Heath Ledger playing the Joker before most people even gave a shit that he was in the film.

Yes, yes, you can all bow before me later.

Hell, even when the first shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker was released and all the celeb-blogs were on about how “iffy” the whole thing was and how no-one was sure whether Heath was a good enough actor to pull of the role and Jack Nicholson went on a long-forgotten rant about why no-one but he should ever play the Joker because he’s just so awesome and untouchable I was busy thinking “Hey, Batman Begins was pretty cool and Heath looks pretty damn scary… give him a chance...”

Why so vomitous?

So fuck all you’re necrophelic asses all the way to fuck-town, buddy! I bet Heath will get an Oscar too… fuck that all to hell too. Not that I don’t think he deserved an Oscar. I thought his performance was remarkable and if it was up to me performances such as his (Original, outlandish, energetic. Unlike the usual Oscar winning roles – retarded) would be winning the Oscars every year but I know damn well that people playing the bad guy in superhero movies don’t win Oscars and if he does it’s because Hollywood is as necrophelic as the rest of the world. Did Willem Dafoe win an Oscar for the Green Goblin? No. But maybe he would have if he died before the film came out… ridonkulous, no?

Why so ridiculous?

Point is Batman’s voice isn’t annoying, it’s Batman-like.

Heath Ledger’s death shouldn’t have affected people’s perception of this film, before or after seeing it.

Christian Bale may be a mother beater, a baby eater, a dog fiddler, a drug smuggler, an international mob boss and an evil scientist hell-bent on the destruction of the human race but he is an excellent actor.

Thus concludes my review… wait, I didn’t actually say anything about the film, did I?

Why so insidious?

Fuck it…

Friday, August 15, 2008

Movie Thoughts: Tim Burton To Direct "Alice In Wonderland"?

So I just heard that Tim Burton is set to direct a remake of the classic tale, "Alice In Wonderland"!
What's up?
Did he run out of merchandise to hawk at Hot Topic?
No, but seriously, much as the idea of a Burton directed Alice In Wonderland might be whimsical and wonderful. Colorful yet gloomy. Gothic and blah blah etc. Isn't it just about the most predictable thing you could ever come up with?

It's like hearing Stephen Spielberg has decided to direct an epic war movie or Johnny Depp decided to star in a Burton film (I hear he may be the Mad Hatter, how original, I would never have thought of putting him in that role... ever...)

Come on, Tim! Have a little creativity! Do something we don't expect!
It's one thing for Spielberg to churn out epics or Michael Bay to make a film full of slow-motion explosions (or for him to butcher a bunch of classic horror films by opting not to cast Freddy Krueger as Freddy Krueger! WTF?!(By "Freddy Krueger" I mean "Robert Englund, of course)) but Tim Burton, at one time, was a somewhat inspiring and original craftsman and although I'm sure the film will be enjoyable enough it will, alas, fill me with sad, sad, CGI tears.

Do something unpredictable, please!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tropic Thunder

Apparently there are these things called "cinemas" in which people go to see movies on a big screen along with a bunch of people they don't know. I normally review movies that appear on a much smaller screen on th television in my home but I'm pretty sure the premise is pretty much the same... here's hoping. If this review doesn't make any sense then you probably have to project the entire thing onto a 30 feet wide screen and charge people $10 to see it for it to become clear what's going on.

Anyhoo, on with the show review.

Tropic Thunder is a movie in which a group of actors making a film about the Vietnamese war end up fighting there own little Vietnamese war for real! It's a bit like The Three Amigos only with a lot more swearing, blood, explosions, gun fire and actual comedy which makes people laugh. (Or should I say it was about a bunch of dudes, playing dudes who were pretending to be dudes, playing dudes disguised as other dudes?... no, I shouldn't... ok)
It was written, directed, mixed, produced, starred and was filmed by Ben Stiller. Yes the Ben Stiller who was coincidentally the Producer of one of the last films I reviewed (The Ruins) but have no fear, this isn't becoming a Ben Stiller themed review blog.
That would be interesting but incredibly pointless and creepy.

The trailers for this film show you clearly and accurately how humorous the film is.
They also tell you how gun-totingly awesome the action scenes might be.
They also ruin one of the funniest jokes in the film.
What the trailers do not prepare you for is the Tom Cruise.

If like me you had no idea that Tom Cruise was in this film then you can send me a nice blank check in thanks for my kind warning.

I was not so lucky.

No, instead I see a rather dazzling performance which blew me away by one of the few people in the film that I didn't at least recognize from somewhere. I spend the whole movie thinking "This guy is fucking hilarious! Why can't I picture what movie he's been in... he has to have been in something?" and giving him random standing ovations because of his comical timing with words such as "cunt", "fuck" and "cocksucker". Once you've spent the whole movie wishing some sort of comedy Oscar to this vast unknown balding fellow, applauding his every dance step and twirl and cheering at every moment he's on screen... at the very moment when you have decided to relinquish all your worldly possessions to this strangely amusing stranger... right then he'll take off his glasses and you'll see those eyebrows.

It may, as it did me, take you until the actual credits for you to really be sure it was him, but believe me... it was...

You'll then realize that his whole plan was, in fact, for you to relinquish all your worldly possessions to him and join his deranged little cult.
Alas, it will be too late and upon viewing the film you'll realize that you've actually signed your life away to Fictionology and are forever doomed... all because you forgot Tom Cruise can actually, on rare occasions (at least twice) actually act well in a role you wouldn't expect and blow you away...

Curse you Tom Cruise. You've won this round, but I'll get you yet...

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go take a scouring pad to my eyeballs to try and unsee what has been seen.

UPDATE: (08 - 19 - 08) By the way, all the people protesting this movie because of the use of certain words they say are "demeaning" are retards.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Shutter (2008)

Not that many people read these reviews but just on the off-chance that someone out there is checking regularly with a plan to off themselves should my outlandishly pointless movie reviews ever ends I thought I should make it my duty to inform the world that for the next 2 weeks I most likely won't be making any reviews as I have family visiting from Scotland and frankly I'm not going to be bothered with logging in and typing random nonsense about films no-one gives a shit about.

I'm not sure the world-wide-internetwebs will survive my absence and when I return I will no doubt be returning to a blackened charred hollowed out shell where once my blog lay in all it's glory. I'll lift my head to the sky and scream for answers but none will come.
I will turn to the dark side (Yahoo!) for answers but where the might Y! once stood so strong and proud, looming over the web with a bright red (or purple) tempting light, trying to draw the droves of people away from the Google empire, there will be nothing.

All "social networking" sites will have crumbled into obscurity and people will be doing weird things like letting people know what they're up to in person and leaving the house.

Yes sirree it will be a dark dark day for mankind...

But on my arrival back, in two weeks, surely a glimmer of hope will be awakened in the masses and gradually and painstakingly we'll all find a way to rebuild the web and make Google mighty again!

Oh yeah, Shutter was a mediocre American remake of a fairly decent Japanese horror film (I couldn't believe someone came up with the brilliant idea of remaking a film either! I mean, remake, brilliant!). It was fairly pointless and followed exactly the same plot as the Japanese one with very little added, changed or taken away except that it had some guy from Dawson's Creek in it and a weird man with an unusually large forehead. In it some people went "blah blah blah" while scary things apparently happened.

The end...