Monday, October 27, 2008

The Signal

Who doesn't like movies about fucked up shit happening because of weird telepathic, radioactive, mind controlling hypno-signals coming through the T.V.?
Well, a lot of people... probably why this film wasn't terribly popular as far as I know but it should have been! And it's popular in my book, gosh darn it!

Anyway, the film is split into three parts (It also has three directors - coincidence? Or a sign of something more sinister?) each of which deals with, firstly the fact that a strange transmission is coming through all T.V.s, telephones and radios that is somehow driving everyone who watches or listens to it crazy but mostly following the steps of a young woman named... uh... I forgot her name... whoever! Who is being pursued by her enraged husband Lewis and her secret lover Ben both of whom have different degrees of "the crazy" from watching the strange broadcast.

This film is excellently done, each director manages to get you to really see how every single character genuinely thinks they're the sane ones and everyone else went nuts and then quickly switching it up and reminding you that "Oh! That guy's crazy too, I forgot he likes to spray rat poison in people's mouths! Silly me!".

Point is, excellent movie, excellent point, excellent acting, excellent excelsiur, excellent overall.

Definitely see this one if you like movies about people going nuts and talking to severed heads.

Do You Have The Crazy? - Official "The Signal" website

Monday, October 20, 2008

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

This is one of the best new films I've seen in a while... at least since Hatchet. And The Dark Knight... and Tropic Thunder was pretty cool. Well, okay, maybe I've seen quite a few recent enough films that were pretty cool but the point is after watching Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, you'll feel as though it's the best film you've seen in a long time
Basically in "Jack Brooks" (Or will it be known as "Monster Slayer" when people come to give it a short, easy-to-say, title?) we follow the unlikely hero trying to cope with everyday life while throwing random fits, destroying toasters and basically being unable to manage any semblance of normality. That is until he inadvertently assists a demon to work it's way back from the bowels of hell and into Robert Englund! The horror!
Then he decides maybe it would be a good idea to kill it... hmmm... you think?

Steven Tyler's cameo

Jack Slayer, or Monster Brooks, or whatever is excellently done and it's only flaw is that it takes quite a while to really get into the action, fortunately the characters (Or at least the main character) is humorous and enjoyable enough that it doesn't matter that he only spends the last 10 seconds of the film facing any demons.

I know the film-makers, fans of the film and indeed fans of any film ever may hate me for saying this but believe me I mean it as a mighty mighty compliment, but it really made me think that someone out there saw Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (the series, not the lame-ass film) and thought it would do better on HBO.

And they're right!

Jack Monster: Brooks Slayer doesn't actually have any vampires in it though, but any fan of Buffy knows that most of the well thought out bad guys in that series weren't vampires anyway.

For those who want a comparison that doesn't make you vomit, the film is also very similar to the Evil Dead series. The bad guys who get summoned by the main blob-like demon are very much like deadites (see "Steven Tyler" above) and the "Joe The Plumber Turns Evil Hunter" type storyline is very similar (in a "nod of the hat" kind of way) to Ash from The Evil Dead series.

And... uhh... and then, as if by magic, the review ended.

Official Site for Jack Slayer Monster Brookingstine Whatever

EDIT: I truly wish that I had spent a large portion of this review making un-necessary comparisons to Joe The Plumber over and over again

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Take.. your damn hands.. off her

As is carefully explained on the back of the DVD case, this is the fourth installment in the Friday the 13th series, not the final one as the name might imply. I guess the film-makers didn't know there was going to be five thousand and thirty two sequels after this so they can't really be blamed...

It's pretty hard to review this film since it is in every way identical to every other Friday the 13th film ever made. Seriously, they're all the fucking same!
I'm secretly trying to drudge my way through the series in sequence so I can eventually make my way to "Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan". I mean, how the fuck does that transpire? I'm really curious, but in the mean time I have to sit through parts I - VII...

Only 3 more to go before I hit the motherload!

Anyway, let's focus on the obvious flaws in this film... number one: Crispin Glover was in it and playing someone who wasn't completely awkward.

If Crispin Glover is in your film and he gets laid, you've failed.
Moving on...
Corey Feldman was in this film and wasn't completely awesome!
It's true... he was this little weedy kid who stayed in his room peeping at boobies and spending way too long making latex masks that didn't really come into play much in the film at all.

Then he shaved his head for no reason.

I' have to admit I'm a bit disappointing in these early editions in the Friday the 13th series (Except for part 1, obviously), the death scenes are really under-emphasized when they should be the main part of these films, and the characters are all detestable... I know some of the later sequels pick up on the death scenes a little so I have that to look forward to.

Anyway, now that Jason's finally really dead (Really, really this time) it'll be interesting to see how they bring him back.

Not really, I already know and of course it's not interesting... half the time he comes back from the dead for no reason at all so I'm not really sure why they feel a need to explain it at all in the next film.

I probably won't review another Friday the 13th until I get to Jason Takes Manhattan. I can't imagine anything interesting is going to happen until then.

Below is the most awesome clip you'll ever see of Crispin Glover dancing in Friday the 13th part IV:

(If you're reading this on Facebook you'll need to click on "view original post" below to see the clip)

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

This was basically a romantic comedy with chainsaws. I'm not sure why, but Leatherface seems to have become some likable, misunderstood, retard... a bit like Forrest Gump or something whose only flaw is that he often slices people into tiny pieces with his chainsaw. It's a shame really because with those pretty flashing eyes he could have had a magical career in television.

Anyhow, this film bares little resemblance to the original 1974 film despite it being directed by Tobe Hooper still (I would have assumed it had been hijacked by a new director if I hadn't seen his name pop up) and seems to have been influenced strongly by the horror film series' of the 80s (Friday the 13th, Nightmare On Elm Street etc.) instead of being an influence to them which you could argue the original film was... it makes it a little painful to think about since, in many ways it takes the original and shits all over it. In a bad way.

However, all is not lost because fortunately this film is so different to the original and came out so much later that you can't possibly watch it and actually compare it to the original film. It's more like a remake or something, or a completely different series altogether... which is fortunate because with that in mind it's a very watchable horror film with all the likability and charm that many of the film series of the time had.

Plus it has Dennis Hopper which really adds a few points of film-cred to it's resume.

Anyway, what's my point?

Ah, yes, as a sequel you probably should run outside, find every copy of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and destroy it in any way you can. Seek out Tobe Hooper and hang him from the gallows for destroying his own creation in such a vicious and heartless way.

But as a film on it's own (Which is basically what it is...) it's a reasonable watch and the only thing that could have improved it would be an all-singing all-dancing musical montage near the end. That would have really clynched the deal for me.

There's no way in hell Tobe Hooper is going to have me actually give him any credit for trying to make the Chainsaw a phalic symbol though.

Fuck that shit.

Here's a clip that should have been a direct cut from the film but is unfortunately just an amusing montage of clips someone made:

Monday, October 6, 2008

Mother Of Tears

Basically the plot of Mother Of Tears is simple. It's practically identical to the plot of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone except instead of Harry, there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. Instead of Hagrid there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. Instead of Voldemort there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. And instead of Dumbledor there's Udo Kier.

A rare clothed moment in Mother Of Tears.

And last but not least, instead of Quidditch matches there are giant lesbian orgies.

Seriously, Witches and lesbianism? That Dario Argento really knows how to push the envelope...

MSN Movie Page on Mother Of Tears

Friday, October 3, 2008

Not A Movie Review: B Through Z

I should have an article featured in an upcoming issue of B Through Z, a new movie-commentary type review/article filled site! Stay tuned or whatever!

I dunno whether I'll be in the next issue (#4) or a later one so we'll see...