Friday, February 27, 2009

Remakes, Remakes, Remakes...

We all hate remakes, and if you don't I will come round to your house and bludgeon you with a dull instrument so I wanted to make a post proclaiming the latest three I've heard of, each of which I've made a Facebook group in order to try and rally a small army of "Space Monkeys" together to wreak havoc on hollywood!

A Nightmare On Elm Street

The Neverending Story

Total Recall

Click on the link to go to the facebook group and join us!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Review Of Fight Club

See how this post is called "Review Of Fight Club"? That's because this is a review of a review of Fight Club. Specifically: this review.

The basic premise of this review seems to be to convince you that the first half of Fight Club is awesome and speaks wonders about the anti-establishment and anti-materialistic way of thinking that Fight Club so rightly tries to depict but goes on to critique the second half because of the way it shows those ideals being accomplished instead of dreamed, comparing them to terrorism and 9/11 style attacks on society!

Well I say the reviewer is a giant pussy-faced cunt! They're belief that the film is admirable for pointing out the Generation-X style depressions of loss of control and loss of identity and the idea that the "things we own end up owning you" and yet believing that when the movie makes the lead characters actually follow through with those dreams and take out the societal diseases that they see as being most responsible for the irresponsible and deplorable life we live just shows that they are exactly the kind of victim that the movie is depicting. They are the lame ass narrator who spends half the movie running around in his underwear rather than the cool Tyler Durden who has ideas, thoughts and is overall the success and everything the narrator wants to be. Truth is, most of us are more like the narrator than Durden but you'd think if you were to review Fight Club and pass as a human being with any kind of free thinking brain in your head you'd realize that, although Durden's way of life isn't exactly easy to pull off or socially acceptable, that it is his belief about life that is correct and not the narrator's IKEA-based reality.

In additon, comparing it to Office Space is fine but let's face it: What questions Office Space began to try to think about answering, Fight Club answered in the opening scene.

And finally (Sorry, this is a disjointed review, whatever) the cock-knocking bitch-hog that wrote the review seems to be of the naive opinion that because the film, and specifically the Fight Clubs themselves within the film, center mainly around a male cast that this means the ideas behind the film only mean anything to men... like a woman has never felt a compulsion to buy a product because they feel it will "complete them" and later (or even at the same time) realized that they don't need the product and were conned by society to want it? In actual fact this part of the many ideas put forward in the film (And possibly among the most prevalant) probably affects women more than men, in general. Stop talking out your ass, reviewer!

This review gets a mere 2 smiley's and one of them is only because it inspired me to want to watch Fight Club again.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday the 13th (2009)

Cast: Amanda Righetti, Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Travis Van Winkle, Derek Mears

Watch Friday the 13th parts I - III, mix them together and sprinkle in some Texas Chainsaw Massacre part 2. Take away any logic behind the character Jason Voorhees (i.e. that he's a giant musclebound mass of non-thinking killing machine and not some elaborate trap-setting mechanical engineer who one minute is carefully setting up complex alarm systems, well laid traps and training himself to be a perfect archer but the next minute is retarded enough to believe some random chick is his dead mom that he saw beheaded as a child) and turn it into a choppily editted, poorly directed mash-up mess of a movie and you have the basic premise behind this "remake" of Friday the 13th

Review: What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

In Short: I know if you're reading this that, like me, you can't resist the urge to go see this film but please take my advice, when you go drink a lot of beer and/or bring with you a healthy "shout at screen" attitude (Kudos to the guy who, when told to "shut the fuck up" by a fellow movie-goer, promptly yelled "Ooooh sorry! We might not be able to follow the intricate plot! Oh Shhh! What's Jason going to say?"). If you;re not prepared to see a pile of trash you'll only be sickened to your core

Biggest Positive: Some of the kills, the ones that were done in one continuous shot (e.g. the one under the pier) or at least weren't cut all over the place in the edit were pretty cool

Biggest Negative: The fact that the film exists at all.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Cursed (2005)

Cast: Christina Ricci, Jesse Eisenberg, Joshua Jackson, Judy Greer

Synopsis: A string of bizarre animal attacks ravages Los Angelese with bodies showing up torn in two and ripped to shreds (Don't get too excited though, the film was PG-13 most of the way through). Christina Ricci and her dorky brother, Eisenberg are two siblings who manage to escape the clutches of the animal with only a few scratches but as it turns out (surprise!) that only leaves them CURSED. Soon they're discovering that they're slowly turning into vicious snarling beasts - hilarity ensues! I mean... horror ensues. This isn't Teen Wolf...

Review: I am so very glad that I didn't know this was directed by Wes Craven till after it was over because I feel it may have inadvertantly altered my view of the film in a negative way - not that I have anything against Craven but it might have set my expectations a little higher. As it was though this was a reasonable enough film, entertaining with an easy to follow yet not too boring plot - much like any other werewolf movie ever made. It was PG-13 though, which I fully understand since the whole film seemed much more geared towards a teen audience but I would far rather have seen a lot more gore in a movie with such seemingly savage beasts (A note - in the DVD extras the Film Editor claims that the DVD version I watched is actually rated R and it was only PG-13 in theaters but it's still extremely tame and personally I wouldn't have rated it above PG-13 if I were in the MPAA which I'm not so I'll shut up now). As far as the creature effects go they aren't too bad and even though it's blatantly obvious that the werewolf is nothing but a mechanical costume that is one billion times better than when you watch a film and it's obvious that it's CGI effects - I'd far rather laugh at a silly costume than lame computer effects - and the gore that there is in the film is pretty well done, so hats off there.

"You made me taste my own corn syrup..."

In short, the film was reasonable for what it is but is a far cry from being any sort of definitive or even terribly memorable werewolf movie.

Also it's a bad sign when the special features on the DVD are more entertaining than the film itself... just saying!

In Short:
Biggest Positive: They managed to not do a cheesy "Time of the month" joke!

Biggest Negative: PG-13! Fuck that shit.

- (That's harsh! I want to give this film 3 smiley's but I can't bring myself to do it...)

Cursed's imdb page

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Disturbing Behavior

James Marsden, Katie Holmes, Tobias Mehler, William Sadler

In Disturbing Behavior we follow Cyclops from the X-men (I'm telling you that so you don't spend the entire movie thinking "Where do I recognize that chin from?" like I did) as he moves to Cradle Bay Island where John Connor (From Terminator 3, so not the real John Connor from Terminator 2 or the really fucking angry, unprofessional, "ADEDADEDA" John Connor from Terminator 4) is the resident weirdo along with Katie Holmes (prior to her reprogramming by Tom Cruise) and everyone else is some sort of whacked out zombie frat boy.

Spoiler Alert: You're reading a review of a film I've seen. I'm going to talk about that film and therefor will talk about things that happen in it. Therefor, spoilers will lay ahead. Big ones. With sharp teeth.

Review: This film is a deep exploration of the isolation felt not only by "the new kid in town" (Cyclops) but also by the outcasts of society (Pre-Cyborg Holmes and Reject-Connor) when the popular kids begin to lure the underclass into their midst with temptations of such wonders as blue sweaters and... stuff? Anyway turns out the whole thing os being carefully orchestrated by the football coach or something, using mind controlling drugs to alter kids perceptions and get them to do their bidding. It's a brilliant take on society with the coach representing all authority figures who constantly barrage our modern society with their controller devices. The drugs in this case are a metaphor for the educational vices that most of us grow up in school being forced to accept in order to fit into the norms of society, in this case represented by the mysterious frat-boy zombie types and as demonstrated by Reject-Connor when he finally submits and joins the frat boys. We are forced to believe, by our preconceptions of society and how we believe it is that Reject-Connor will eventually turn around and be as he was but the fact that he does not is representative not of some deep evil force controlling our minds but merely of growing up.
The film is littered with subtle, hard to catch, references to such pieces of work as Clockwork Orange, 1984 and Slaughterhouse 5, as well as social references to a soviet-era Russia.
It may take you a couple of watches to really get how deep this film was but believe me it's absolutely worth at least 3 or 4 views to really catch all the subtleties through...

Oh who the fuck am I kidding?

This film was a filthy piece of 90's era Scream-Wannabe trash littered with shit alterna-rock, stereotypical teenage characters you want to choke and the worst acting I've ever seen a man with such a prominent chin ever perform.


Here's The Gay Ass Website

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Days Of Darkness

More and more movies are proving to me lately that just having zombies in your film does not in any way mean it's not going to be a steaming pile of turd...

Days Of Darkness is exactly the kind of zombie film that makes you want to hurl chunks.
The acting is practically non-existent from the start and the characters are so detestable that there isn't a moment when you don't just want them all to throw themselves over the fence and be eaten alive, preferably five minutes into the film so you don't need to go on watching this fucking nonsense...

Whatever you do with your life, don't make it watching this film. It is an utter waste of time. There are (very few) moments that are reasonable including some semi-decent gore but these are surrounded by an ocean of pointless speeches, explanations and melodrama. I mean it takes about fifteen minutes of really boring "group discussions" for the characters to figure out that the comet (that we see in the opening sequence hurtling towards Earth) is the cause of all this! Fine, the characters didn't see the connection but since the audience is already fully aware there is no need for the characters to spend more than a few seconds figuring this out - it's just plain boring! Have a character who saw the comet crash who can quickly inform everyone - have the characters already figure it out before we join them - have them hear it on an emergency broadcast - SOMETHING! But for God's sake don't make us sit through the tedium of them working it out...
And why is it that the zombie infection infects men's testicles and virgin girls?
Original Idea: Yes
Necessary: No
Better Film Without It: Yes! Yes! Yes!

It did make for some gross moments though which frankly were almost the only thing this film had going for it...

You see in the last five minutes of the film (I'm talking about the end of the film, in case it wasn't obvious there is going to be a spoiler or two here) they discover that the reason all the assholes in the picture above weren't infected when the comet struck is because they were all drunk at the time and the infecting parasite hates alcohol filled blood!


You see, what this means is all they have to do is get trashed to be able to fight of the zombies and avoid infection!
Unfortunately this all transpires in the last five minutes or so of the film with just enough time for the credits to roll as the only awesome scene in the film goes on: The two main characters swigging at a giant jug of whiskey as they blow away zombies, laughing their asses off and waving shotguns around!

Then the film ends. 90 minutes of shit for 5 seconds of awesome? FAIL!

This film had the potential to be the zombie equivalent of the drunken master! Imagine a zombie film where the only way to survive was to be pissed out your head?

A brilliant idea, sadly lost because someone thought it was a better idea to do the same thing every other low-budget zombie film in history has ever done. Except worse.

I might have given this film 2 out of 5 for gore but I'm giving it one because it took a good idea and fucked it in the ass.

Days Of Darkness's Website - it has "Kids Can Write" in the url. If this film was written by Kindergartners then I applaud them and it would totally explain it's existence.