Bob's Burgers: The Movie

Cast: Dan Mintz, H. Jon Benjamin, Kristen Schaal

Synopsis: The Belcher family tries to save the restaurant from a sinkhole, meanwhile the kids solve a mystery, meanwhile yes there's music, meanwhile MURDER.

Review: This very evening I must slaughter a rooster in my care because we named him "Trump". Also, he keeps attacking people but mostly his shitty name. Either way excuse me if instead of writing a review I give "killing a rooster with a stick" a quick google, a'ight?

In Short: There's a product named the "Hopper Popper" that humanely kills rabbits which works on chickens too but there's nothing humane about giving a murder device a cutesie name.

Trivia: It's Bob's Burgers, ya dolt. If you like Bob's Burgers then watch the film, if not, don't. What do you need a review for?

Biggest Positive: Thank the Lord that yes, it's a musical.

Biggest Negative: The impending collapse of all existence for little Trump.

Rating: 4/5

The Matrix Resurrections

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss

Synopsis: In a wild distopian future, Keanu Reeves stars as a man trapped in a world in which The Matrix films have become self aware - determined to crawl so far up their own ass that they transform into an Ouroboros, hell bent on destroying an already ruined franchise of movies.

Review: If you find yourself scrolling through HBO and think "Hey wow, this movie just came out!" And don't realize it likely means the film isn't as good as it looked like it'd be, then congratulations, you've fallen into what I'm dubbing The Batman-Matrix trap! 

Two unnecessary reboots to movies that have already been overdone.

Two actors who aren't great but who are both for unknown reasons, unquestionably charmismatic (I won't ever not watch a Reeves or Pattinson movie and not feel good about it).

Two movies filled with folks who should be doing better but who fuck it, deserve a pay check (Looking at you Dano/Harris)

I'm not certain The Batman and The Matrix Resurrections aren't the same movie and it's just a glitch in the simulation we all live in that's made them appear seperate.

In Short: Todo List: 

1. Watch the first 30 minutes of this movie

2. Ponder movie makers choice to not use therapy scene where Keanu and Neil Patrick Harris basically circle jerk around the idea of a reboot to the Matrix trilogy as a trailer

3. Realize that would have set expectations too high

4. Cancel HBO Max subscription and burn all records that you ever had it

Trivia: Keanu's role in this movie has finally alleviated his debt to The Deep Ones and will have his soul returned to him by next Tuesday

Biggest Positive: Neil Patrick Harris' glasses

Biggest Negative: I regret not finding out that the band "Bass Against" exists until their song played over the credits, as I could have spent my time more valuably watching a video of their singer pissing on a fan on repeat instead of watching this film

Bass Against - Wake Up

Rating: 3/5

Judas and the Black Messiah

Cast: Daniel Kaluuya, LaKeith Stanfield, Jesse Plemons

Synopsis: Darius from Atlanta fucked up.

Review: Why did I stop writing nonsensical movie reviews on here for every movie I watch even if they don't relate to the movie and make no sense?

I dunno, good question.

Judas and the Black Messiah gets 5 out of 5.

Biggest Positive: I learned another heart breaking piece of U.S. history which I was only vaguely aware of.

Biggest Negative: I learned another heart breaking piece of U.S. history which I was only vaguely aware of.

Trivia: To prepare for the role, LaKeith actually travelled through time to infiltrate the real Black Panthers of the time.

Rating: 5/5

Movie Quote of the Year

"You can't piss on hospitality!"

Happy New Year to all. Hopefully some slightly more frequent reviews will come with the coming year!

Thankskilling

Cast: Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, Ryan Francis, Aaron Carlson, Natasha Cordova, Chuck "The Dead Body Guy (Whatever that means?)" Lamb, General Bastard, Wanda Lust (This movie isn't a porno but I can't speak for other movies Ms. Lust has been in... it's possible she just got born with an unfortunately provocative name! And an unfortunately ironic tendency to show up in films with her tits out for no apparent reason... hmm...), Terry Reagan, Jessica Rees, Pat Love.

I know I usually list only a couple of people in the film but, well, I just felt this movie needed special attention.


Synopsis: Normally I write my own synopsis of the movies I review but since this movie is a particular gem I've decided to post the synopsis the film-makers have on their website...

"An evil turkey is unleashed…and he’s one “fowl” mouthed bastard! Five college kids heading home for Thanksgiving break cross paths with the turkey, who’s possessed by an ancient Indian curse. In this hilariously gory spoof, the teens must stop the maniac bird before he kills them all!"

That's right. A killer turkey... I posted their synopsis so that you didn't think I was making this up as some sort of cruel prank.


Review: The fact that this movie's very first shot is a close up of someone's tit and is immediately followed by a rather unconvincing hand-puppet turkey cackling while waving a hand axe around at the tit's owner gives you some idea about how seriously the viewer should take this film which is just as well because if I had begun thinking the film-makers were going to try and somehow make a killer turkey into any amount of a serious film I'd have been bitterly bitterly dissapointed. Instead the audience knows from the getgo that this is not in any way a film to be taken seriously and the film makers are aware of it so it's okay to laugh at the film and not feel bad!

Huzzah!

It wouldn't have stopped me laughing at it... I've seen some God-awful movies (See: anything by Bill Zebub) and laughed hysterically at how mind-numbingly terrible they are - hell, half the time it's better than watching a well-made, perfectly scripted snore-fest really but there's always a little less guilt when you know the people making the film wouldn't be crying on the inside to know you were enjoying the hilarity of their movie more than the horror (Unless I totally missed the point and have turned the film makers suicidal by my scathing words. In which case, I'd like to apologize... but won't).

Basically it's a fun little horror film. While making a mockery of the wise-cracking ridiculous bad guys we often see in slasher flicks, it manages to be a half-way decent slasher itself. Although the plot is as thin as the budget must have been, the film has been made with full knowledge that when you try and make an entirely serious horror film with a budget of $2 you end up churning out some utter unwatchable shit (Or a Lucio Fulci film, at best) so far better to make a cheesey script with a bunch of awkward comedy (A turkey actually "stuffs" a girl from behind... if you know what I mean? ... yeah, I mean it fucks her... it's a really awakard moment and I'd like to point out once more that this really really isn't a porno film. Honest!)!

Really a film about a killer turkey couldn't have been made better... if it had been more serious it would have made me vomit and if it had been less serious... well, that wouldn't have been possible. They really bottomed out on the seriousness! That's a good thing though, remember that when you decide to make a film about a killer Easter Bunny or some shit...


In Short: I'd put a cunning little Thanksgiving themed pun about being "stuffed full of gore" or "leaves you wanting seconds... or thirds!" or "so good you have to unbuckle your belt and go into a food coma with an Uncle you haven't spoken to all year"(?) but they'd all be redundant since the movie itself stole all the good ones, leaving we humble reviewers out in the dark, frankly. Fuck it.


Biggest Positive: The jokes about JonBenet Ramsay. Who knew there could be an appropriate medium for such terribly inappropriate jokes?


Biggest Negative: Well, let's face it, the hand puppet is about as convincing as a plastic dinosaur at the bottom of a cereal box.


Trivia: This movie is based, word for word, on a scroll found at the site of the very first thanksgiving. How they knew about JonBenet Ramsay back then is anyone's guess...

ThanksKilling Movie website