Thankskilling

Cast: Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, Ryan Francis, Aaron Carlson, Natasha Cordova, Chuck "The Dead Body Guy (Whatever that means?)" Lamb, General Bastard, Wanda Lust (This movie isn't a porno but I can't speak for other movies Ms. Lust has been in... it's possible she just got born with an unfortunately provocative name! And an unfortunately ironic tendency to show up in films with her tits out for no apparent reason... hmm...), Terry Reagan, Jessica Rees, Pat Love.

I know I usually list only a couple of people in the film but, well, I just felt this movie needed special attention.


Synopsis: Normally I write my own synopsis of the movies I review but since this movie is a particular gem I've decided to post the synopsis the film-makers have on their website...

"An evil turkey is unleashed…and he’s one “fowl” mouthed bastard! Five college kids heading home for Thanksgiving break cross paths with the turkey, who’s possessed by an ancient Indian curse. In this hilariously gory spoof, the teens must stop the maniac bird before he kills them all!"

That's right. A killer turkey... I posted their synopsis so that you didn't think I was making this up as some sort of cruel prank.


Review: The fact that this movie's very first shot is a close up of someone's tit and is immediately followed by a rather unconvincing hand-puppet turkey cackling while waving a hand axe around at the tit's owner gives you some idea about how seriously the viewer should take this film which is just as well because if I had begun thinking the film-makers were going to try and somehow make a killer turkey into any amount of a serious film I'd have been bitterly bitterly dissapointed. Instead the audience knows from the getgo that this is not in any way a film to be taken seriously and the film makers are aware of it so it's okay to laugh at the film and not feel bad!

Huzzah!

It wouldn't have stopped me laughing at it... I've seen some God-awful movies (See: anything by Bill Zebub) and laughed hysterically at how mind-numbingly terrible they are - hell, half the time it's better than watching a well-made, perfectly scripted snore-fest really but there's always a little less guilt when you know the people making the film wouldn't be crying on the inside to know you were enjoying the hilarity of their movie more than the horror (Unless I totally missed the point and have turned the film makers suicidal by my scathing words. In which case, I'd like to apologize... but won't).

Basically it's a fun little horror film. While making a mockery of the wise-cracking ridiculous bad guys we often see in slasher flicks, it manages to be a half-way decent slasher itself. Although the plot is as thin as the budget must have been, the film has been made with full knowledge that when you try and make an entirely serious horror film with a budget of $2 you end up churning out some utter unwatchable shit (Or a Lucio Fulci film, at best) so far better to make a cheesey script with a bunch of awkward comedy (A turkey actually "stuffs" a girl from behind... if you know what I mean? ... yeah, I mean it fucks her... it's a really awakard moment and I'd like to point out once more that this really really isn't a porno film. Honest!)!

Really a film about a killer turkey couldn't have been made better... if it had been more serious it would have made me vomit and if it had been less serious... well, that wouldn't have been possible. They really bottomed out on the seriousness! That's a good thing though, remember that when you decide to make a film about a killer Easter Bunny or some shit...


In Short: I'd put a cunning little Thanksgiving themed pun about being "stuffed full of gore" or "leaves you wanting seconds... or thirds!" or "so good you have to unbuckle your belt and go into a food coma with an Uncle you haven't spoken to all year"(?) but they'd all be redundant since the movie itself stole all the good ones, leaving we humble reviewers out in the dark, frankly. Fuck it.


Biggest Positive: The jokes about JonBenet Ramsay. Who knew there could be an appropriate medium for such terribly inappropriate jokes?


Biggest Negative: Well, let's face it, the hand puppet is about as convincing as a plastic dinosaur at the bottom of a cereal box.


Trivia: This movie is based, word for word, on a scroll found at the site of the very first thanksgiving. How they knew about JonBenet Ramsay back then is anyone's guess...

ThanksKilling Movie website

Troll 2

Cast: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy


Synopsis: A family decides to high-tail it to the country in a bizarrely 'ahead of it's time' kind of plot (I hear people actually do this these days thanks to Craigslist) where the city dwelling family Waits swap homes for a period of time with a bunch of brainless country livin' hicks living in the suspiciously named town of Nilbog! Unfortunately for them the entire population is run by Goblins who try to make humans eat their delicious looking booger-covered green plastic food so that they can become half-human half-plant beings which are obviously Goblins favorite foods!

Really makes you wonder about how creatures like the Goblin evolved to like the taste of such a very specific and extremely non-existant food source, doesn't it? I mean when did they first dicover that was their food of choice? When the Goblin queen just decided on a whim to bake up a batch of "turn them into plant" muffins just to see what might happen if they devoured the bloody bark-like flesh of the Plant People? Perhaps they happened upon a man who had covered himself in bark and leaves, consumed him and discovered it was good but not perfect and so set about concucting a weird complex way to somehow merge the seemingly unmergable and create the ultimate snack! Bizarrely enough, it seems that not only is it their favorite food but they've also sort of gotten sick of eating anything that isn't a man-plant hybrid. Well, it's no wonder you don't see many Goblins around anymore, is it?

In case you're wondering how this bizarre plot becomes revealed to our young rapscallion hero (Because obviosuly the Goblins wouldn't take time ot explain all this to them, that would kind of put them off eating the already disgusting looking dishes they prepare) it's quite simple. You see, the young man's grandfather passed away recently and his ghost is using his time walking the realms of non-existance, haunting the young Waits boy by telling him crazy Goblin stories, hiding from his parents so that they think the boy's nuts, helping him set fires and largely being a bit of an incomprehensible dickhead. Makes perfect sense to me!

One man's reaction to this film.

Review: I've been putting off this review because it's fucking Troll 2! It's one of the most renowned bad films of all time and I really don't think I can add any humor, wit or charm to it at all above what the internet (and this documentary) already has.

Instead, I'm going to go continue to hide under a pillow in my closet until a more sensible film comes around and I can sufficiently gather my thoughts enough to form opinions.

thank you.

I will say this though, the story between the boy and his Grandfather (especially the scene where Grandad hands him a molotov cocktail) could have been the plot of an awesome sinister version of Drop Dead Fred!

"You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"

In Short: Too much Goblins, not enough dead Grandads.


Biggest Positive: The acting by the father in the Waits family, or perhaps just the script. It's like he's just opening his mouth and letting whatever words he can best remember come spilling out!


Biggest Negative: In spite of the name of the film, and it's predescessor (The aptly named "Troll") this film is about Goblins, not trolls. Not even a single Troll shows up. I guess it doesn't make much difference really, since arguably they weren't Trolls or Goblins, just midgets in potatoe sacks.


Trivia: No. No trivia. You go home now.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Cast: Alex Vega, Anthony Stewart Head, Paris Hilton, Paul Sorvino


Synopsis: In a dark future where organ transplants have become both a necessity and a fashion accessory, a corrupt government legalizes the repossession of organs by those people who can't make their payments to the ever twisted GeneCo. the proclaimed 'Savior of Humanity'. The grizzly fate of harvesting people's organs is left to one man - The Repo Man. Who has his own unforgiving tale to tell... and for some bizarre reason everyone in the future sings all the time about every single thing ever.


Review: WTF?


Biggest Positive: As far as original ideas for films go they don't come much better than this, both the plot and the concept are fairly original at least in cinema these days...


Biggest Negative: After not too long it does get a little bit grating hearing people sing about everything. I mean, everything. The weather. Breakfast. (I know, I know, it's an opera what did I expect? I'm just saying - maybe I'm not an opera-guy)

Trivia: This film was nominated for five hundred Oscars including 'Best Operatic Piece Starring Paris Hilton Based In A Neon-Dark Future'

Repo! The Genetic Opera's website

The Main Street Museum

Normally I review movies here on this blog but the only reason for that is because sitting on my couch slowly dozing off while the latest offering from Netflix (Yes, I don't even bother to leave the house to get movies, thanks) flickers on my television screen is just about the only thing I ever do.
I'm only kidding.
It is the only thing I ever do.
However last weekend events beyond my control dictated that not only did I have to leave the house but that we all had to take an epic 2 and a half hour journey to a place they call "White River Junction".
Ask anyone if they've been to White River Junction and you'll be greeted with one of two responses:
"That's not a real place!" or
"Get away from me you brazen hippie!"
Not too pleasant but nevertheless understandable since people fear and hold disdain for that which they don't know and since White River Junction in the entire span of it's existence has held host to all of about three visitors who weren't just stopping to get gas or to visit the stretch of stores just off the interstate without actually braving heading into the actual town you can see why not many people seem to know it really exists.
But rest assured it does! And for fear of over-crowding the little town with the hordes upon hordes of people that will doubtlessly be reading this blog (All one of you) I have to say everyone should definitely visit there!
All around Vermont you're likely to find countless little towns with quirks and homeliness that makes you just want to pack everything you own into a shopping cart, push it over a cliff and start a new life as a traveling poet but none as much as White River Junction.
The whole town oozes (That's a good thing!) of art and creativity. It's really hard to describe why that is but trust me, once you take your first drive around town you should see what I mean and if you don't well... get stuffed!
But anyway all that the town has in store is waiting for you and you should just up and go there and start your second life as a painter of abstract velvet paintings as soon as possible but this isn't a review of a town, that would be patently absurd! This is a review of the eclectic, the wonderful, the... uh... other descriptive word...

Main Street Museum

Of all the glories that the town holds in store for you none could possibly be as beautifully wonderful as the Main Street Museum. "What's so special about a pansy-assed faggoty museum?" you ask? Well, frankly if you're asking questions with that wording I highly recommend not ever reading this blog again but what makes it unique is how it probably couldn't exist in most other places...

The exhibits in the museum while for the most part are quite probably stuff you'd find in any other museum of it's size (It's only one fairly long room) like mounted animal heads, old books, bones, Elvis Presley's gallstones... wait, what?!?!


That's right I said Elvis Presley's gallstones are located at the Main Street Museum! You may ask me "But how could you know that they're really Elvis's gallstones and not the gallstones of some regular schmo like Christopher Walken?" and I'd say to you

1. Who gives a fuck?
2. Why would they make up a story about someone's gallstones of all things? and
3. To ask whether they're really Elvis's is, I think, missing the point

You see, this is what makes the Museum brilliant, I think.
Most of the exhibits here could not be in a museum in many other places in the world because people would question authenticity and worse still question their merit as exhibits in a museum. The audacity... the truth is if this museum was located in a larger town or city of almost any other nature than White River Junction all too many people would come out shaking their heads and muttering about how the curator had clearly just roamed around town picking up garbage from the streets, dusting it off and putting it in a frame. People, the general public I mean, would not tolerate someone calling this place a museum and would instill on it a law naming it a "garage sale" instead but that's because the general public are detestable morons (no offense).
The truth is that a lot of what lies in the museum is just stuff found lying around town - garbage, road-kill... you name it! But the beauty lies in that there's no hiding it... it's open for display in the "hobo exhibit" for all to see, or comes with plaques describing where and when the said piece of trash was found. That's not to say it's all that, there are many oddities like the gallstones that you can't just find lying around your average city street. Take this fine example...

It's the... skeletal remains of an umbrella... okay, bad example!

But there is this:

It's a monster! I believe these "remains" were found in the Connecticut river.
So the museum isn't entirely composed of things that we may see every day lying around the road or in our dumpsters, carefully labeled with a story and a feeling of really seeing the "everyday" (It's a bit like the Museum was founded by The Wombles actually, now that I think about it. Now that I really think about it we never met the owner, just a volunteer! HOLY SHIT! I Have been in the presence of Great Uncle Bulgaria! Actually, never mind it seemed much more of an "Orinoco" kind of place... Apologies to any Americans reading this who might be scratching their heads and wondering what the fuck a "Womble" is and what psychotropic drugs I might have ingested to make me begin spouting such nonsense... on with the blog!) but also carefully crafted and highly imaginative art (Or, if you want to believe it was the body of a monster from the river, go ahead!)! There were several oddities like the monster above including this Killer Flying Jackalope!

This one might fool you since they put it along side a bunch of real mounted and stuffed animals! In fact, it was right after this one:

Which might make you think "Hey! That rabbit's not real! I hardly think I'll be fooled by any oddities in this museum if that's the best they can do!"
Then when you turn round and see the Jackalope you're utterly convinced that this being can be nothing but a creature spawned by the devil himself!
Here is the terrifying tale of the Jackalope:

The Jackalope are native of the arid Western Plains and Rocky Mountain Regions of the United States L. artiodactyla phasianus is a hybrid resultant from interbreeding of the pygmy-deer and a species of "killer-rabbit". Jackalopes will only breed during electrical storms including hail, explaining its rarity. The animals can convincingly imitate any sound, including the human voice. It uses this ability to elude pursuers, chiefly by using phrases such as "There he goes! That way!"

A jackalope may be caught by putting a flask of whiskey out at night. The jackalope will drink its fill of whiskey and its intoxication will make it easier to hunt. In some parts of the United States it is said that jackalope meat has a taste similar to lobster. Female jackalopes can be milked as they sleep belly up and that the milk can be used for a variety of medicinal purposes.

The extremely shy and elusive animals are dangerous if approached, having sharp horns like its ancestors, horned four legged ruminants "haunting the banks of the Euphrates, very savage, hard to catch and having long saw-like horns capable of cutting down trees".

I think the Jackalope was my favorite of the oddities the museum had to offer.
But not my favorite thing which was quite clearly the encyclopedia of miniature books!


Which was, in all reality, a book about various books throughout history that are incredibly small and... get this...it was small itself!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit!

No?

Well, anyway my point is this: If you visit the Main Street Museum (And you should, admission is just a meager $3) you'll likely come back with your own favorites which will probably be something that other visitors to the museum didn't even see when they went! And if you don't, and you come out muttering about people picking up trash and charging you to see it well fuck you and the horse you rode in on! Get out of my blog, asshole!

The fact that the Main Street Museum exists in White River Junction and fits in and people don't get confused about it's purpose I think must be a testament to the greatness of the people of White River Junction, either that or they just haven't noticed it yet.

The Main Street Museum's website can be found here: www.mainstreetmuseum.org/, you really should check out their Catawiki where you can find out about all their various exhibits.



To see all the photos I took (Or all the ones I want people to see) go to my Main Street Museum set of pictures on Flickr: http://flickr.com/photos/34715542@N02/sets/72157612952108645/