The Matrix Resurrections

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss

Synopsis: In a wild distopian future, Keanu Reeves stars as a man trapped in a world in which The Matrix films have become self aware - determined to crawl so far up their own ass that they transform into an Ouroboros, hell bent on destroying an already ruined franchise of movies.

Review: If you find yourself scrolling through HBO and think "Hey wow, this movie just came out!" And don't realize it likely means the film isn't as good as it looked like it'd be, then congratulations, you've fallen into what I'm dubbing The Batman-Matrix trap! 

Two unnecessary reboots to movies that have already been overdone.

Two actors who aren't great but who are both for unknown reasons, unquestionably charmismatic (I won't ever not watch a Reeves or Pattinson movie and not feel good about it).

Two movies filled with folks who should be doing better but who fuck it, deserve a pay check (Looking at you Dano/Harris)

I'm not certain The Batman and The Matrix Resurrections aren't the same movie and it's just a glitch in the simulation we all live in that's made them appear seperate.

In Short: Todo List: 

1. Watch the first 30 minutes of this movie

2. Ponder movie makers choice to not use therapy scene where Keanu and Neil Patrick Harris basically circle jerk around the idea of a reboot to the Matrix trilogy as a trailer

3. Realize that would have set expectations too high

4. Cancel HBO Max subscription and burn all records that you ever had it

Trivia: Keanu's role in this movie has finally alleviated his debt to The Deep Ones and will have his soul returned to him by next Tuesday

Biggest Positive: Neil Patrick Harris' glasses

Biggest Negative: I regret not finding out that the band "Bass Against" exists until their song played over the credits, as I could have spent my time more valuably watching a video of their singer pissing on a fan on repeat instead of watching this film

Bass Against - Wake Up

Rating: 3/5

Iron Man

If you like loud obnoxious metal music, gay CG explosions, "heroes" who are drunken lay-about sleaze mongers who have absolutely none of the characteristics that make us feel empathy and/or sympathy towards them and villains who seem to have no world-conquering motive then you'll love Iron Man!


Seriously... is it just me or is part of what make the great superheroes great the fact that we can relate to them on some level? Even the high and mighty billionaire Bruce Wayne has an extreme vulnerability that makes us side with him when he's battling villains but this Tony Stark prick has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever!

Sure, it makes him suave, cool and "macho" but it also makes him a gormless fool who I frankly was hoping was going to be blown up in the opening moments of the movie. He'd probably have made a good bad guy for Spider-man, actually! I'd have been on his side then, if the drunken fuck-headed Tony Stark was battling it out with the Amazing Spider-man then maybe I could have been like "That Iron Man kicks ASS man!" but I'd probably just have been hoping that he was played by Willem Dafoe.

In short, Tony Stark/Iron Man was a hero for people who don't really like super heroes, in my opinion. He was a sort of "Die Hard" action hero character who, in that setting, we can all side with because he's bad-ass, doesn't give a fuck and doesn't stop till all the bad guys are dead and everything around them has blown up.

So let me add to my opening statement:

If you like piss-poor heavy metal, dumb-ass explosion-riddled battle sequences, alcoholic dead-beat heroes and you don't actually like super hero movies, you'll love Iron Man.

And if anyone tells you this film was better than The Dark Knight (Especially if the person telling you is Robert Downey Junior) then kick them hard in the nuts.

Confessions Of A Superhero

Never have I felt sorry for a group of superheroes so much in my life...

Confessions Of A Superhero follows the lives of people who, if you saw in the street, you probably wouldn't think twice about. They dress up as superheroes (And various other film and TV characters), stand around on Hollywood Boulevard waiting for tourists to take pictures with them and then hope and pray that they receive a tip for it. Sounds like a harmless enough job and, like I say, you probably wouldn't think twice about these people... but what if you did?

THE HORROR!!!

These superheroes (the ones followed in this film at least, I can't speak for the rest of them) are aspiring actors who see themselves as landing roles in big Hollywood films sometime in the future and basically they're doing this tip-taking character posing as a job in the mean time. Kind of like working at a comic book store but with more dignity...


... hmmm... well anyway you get the picture. It's just a job like any other except I guess at least they're acting? So a step up? I dunno...

Anyhoo, the film follows 4 of the superheroes. Superman, Batman, The Hulk and Wonder Woman. And, although you feel a deep seeded, gut-wrenching, heart breaking sympathy for each and every one of their deluded little souls it's important to point out some info on them as individuals so that it's clear who's just a harmless fan and who's a raging psychopath who should be locked away forever...

Superman (Christopher Dennis) is a huge fan of Superman. I mean gob-smackingly huge. I don't find fanatics weird in any way though so this isn't a problem and in fact it only makes me feel like he probably really really really loves his job a lot. Since he doesn't come across as a creep at any point in the film this doesn't seem like a problem for anyone other than him and his wife who both have to live with a collection of posters, action figures (He had a "poster and action figure room" in his house!), memorabilia, movie soundtracks and collectible condoms scattered throughout their fine home...

The Hulk (Joe McQueen) isn't such a fan and is definitely much more open about the fact that he just wants to be an actor and is just doing this as a sideline... he was homeless for years after running to LA seeking fame and fortune and even attended auditions while he was living on the streets. Auditioners laughed at him. No-one hired him. And yet here he is, filling the movie with a chirpy optimism and relative lack of delusion that is somehow lost on the other 3 stars of the documentary... He's also the only one who seems to be making an acting career (so far) outside of dressing up as a superhero. Something to be said about chirpy optimism perhaps?

Wonder Woman (Jennifer Gehrt) is again very clear that this is just a job she does while waiting for her big break. She's also not too delusional but she lacks that optimistic whirl that's lifting Joe McQueen into prominent roles like "Henchman #2"... She needs to lighten up. And dress as a superhero people give a shit about.

And last but not least...

Batman (Maxwell Allen) who, true to the dark character of The Dark Knight, is a fucking nut-job. Not only is he dressing up as Batman but he's some sort of sociopath. He attends his therpay sessions as Batman where he proceeds to tell the Psychiatrist all about his dark (made up) "past" where he claims to have done errands for the mob (He grew up in Texas, by the way) including, but not limited to, beating the life out of people failing to pay debts, killing people (in unspecified ways) and knee-capping, even though earlier in the documentary he said he hadn't beaten up anyone while being an "enforcer" for the mob... get your story straight Batman! He also claims his ex was blown up in a tragic car accident that he was meant to be in...

CLICK HERE FOR RELEVANT CLIP!

... or perhaps he just didn't have a job for a while and watched a lot of TV. I mean a lot of TV.
But those days are behind him! Now he's just a habitual liar who threatens tourists who don't want their photo taken, bad-mouths Spider-man (Who in a real superhero battle would kick his ass, by the way), and probaby beats his wife when there aren't any cameras rolling (Seriously.).

That is until they announce he was arrested!

OMFG?!?

Were his Mob stories true?

Did the police track down his murderous past and find one of his many thousands of victims decapitated and buried in a shallow grave in the desert?

Nope.

He was arrested for disorderly conduct. He basically harassed a few tourists a little too much and then the police when they came to give him a ticket or a slap on the wrist or whatever they do...
Then, like the roving lunatic that he so clearly is, he decided to kick out the window in the squad car he was being taken away in?!?

Oh Batman, where did it all go wrong...

Fortunately only a quarter of the film is about Batman and therefor it doesn't turn into a comedy. Instead it's a gut-wrneching, tear jerking sob story...

I mean, Superman didn't even win the superhero look-a-like competition?
What the fuck is wrong with the World!?!?

Fuck it all...



The Real Superhero - the documentaries official website

The Amazing Screw-on Head

This film is only 22 minutes long!

Proportionally, this review should only be three lines long.

So, umm… this film was really funny yet somehow confused me on a deep level that I don’t think I quite comprehend, here’s a trailer goodbye!

The Dark Knight

Before reading this review you may want to meander on over to my review of Batman Begins, just for shits and giggles.

While you’re at it you may, before you see the film The Dark Knight, want to see Batman Begins as it seems many people neglected to see the original film before seeing the sequel.

Don’t ask me why but the reason I think it happened is because I have observed many people comment negatively on the deep, raspy, Batman-like voice that Christian Bale uses in the film.

Maybe I’m the only one who was paying attention during Batman Begins (perfectly possible) but I seem to recall this really minor character who was in a couple of scenes whose name I believe was “Batman” who had a very similar deep, raspy, Batman-like voice to the character named “Batman” in the sequel. Strangely I don’t recall anyone really caring about his voice in the original film… So either, I was the only one who noticed that Batman was in the first film in the series or else no-one else actually saw the film because none of the actors died prior to it’s release.

Why so furious?

Yeah I went there.

If you go back to my original review you’ll see that I was looking forward to Heath Ledger playing the Joker before most people even gave a shit that he was in the film.

Yes, yes, you can all bow before me later.

Hell, even when the first shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker was released and all the celeb-blogs were on about how “iffy” the whole thing was and how no-one was sure whether Heath was a good enough actor to pull of the role and Jack Nicholson went on a long-forgotten rant about why no-one but he should ever play the Joker because he’s just so awesome and untouchable I was busy thinking “Hey, Batman Begins was pretty cool and Heath looks pretty damn scary… give him a chance...”

Why so vomitous?

So fuck all you’re necrophelic asses all the way to fuck-town, buddy! I bet Heath will get an Oscar too… fuck that all to hell too. Not that I don’t think he deserved an Oscar. I thought his performance was remarkable and if it was up to me performances such as his (Original, outlandish, energetic. Unlike the usual Oscar winning roles – retarded) would be winning the Oscars every year but I know damn well that people playing the bad guy in superhero movies don’t win Oscars and if he does it’s because Hollywood is as necrophelic as the rest of the world. Did Willem Dafoe win an Oscar for the Green Goblin? No. But maybe he would have if he died before the film came out… ridonkulous, no?

Why so ridiculous?

Point is Batman’s voice isn’t annoying, it’s Batman-like.

Heath Ledger’s death shouldn’t have affected people’s perception of this film, before or after seeing it.

Christian Bale may be a mother beater, a baby eater, a dog fiddler, a drug smuggler, an international mob boss and an evil scientist hell-bent on the destruction of the human race but he is an excellent actor.

Thus concludes my review… wait, I didn’t actually say anything about the film, did I?

Why so insidious?

Fuck it…

Six String Samurai

Imagine if you will, a movie in which a character named "Buddy" represents all that is Rock And Roll after the death of Elvis Presley. Sounds simple and endearing? Yes, now let me add a few things to the equation here...

Imagine that the Americans lost the Cold War, very early on, and were nuked by the Russians in 1957. In the following years, Las Vegas becomes "Lost Vegas" and Elvis Presley is crowned King. Lost Vegas becomes a safe haven for all things American but when Elvis dies Vegas needs a new king, as the tagline implies. Here is where we meet Buddy, fully representing post-Elvis Rock 'n Roll. Here we also meet the Red Elvis' (or is it Elvi?), a group of Communist Elvis Presleys (the nerve!) who we find are out to kill our buddy Buddy! Probably because he's all-American and they're... well I'm not sure what they are.

Still following me?

Well what if instead of the Red Elvis' trying to kill Buddy, along come a group of synchronized bald bowlers who carry hunking maces in their bowling bags and have blades disguised as skittles who decide they have to kill Buddy instead? Why are they concealing weapons in conventional objects? Why are they bowlers? I think they represent the hum-drum pass-times of America that attempted to destroy the way Rock 'n Roll oughta be, man! Anyhow it's lucky that inside his '57 Hollow body Guitar our buddy Buddy conceals... a Samurai sword! And just happens to be the most kickin'est ass-est kung-fu fighting Rock 'n Roll guy you ever did see... and easily stops the bowling guys...

Then enter 4 dark strangers who look like rejects from Motley Crue, besides the leader who looks like Slash from Guns N Posers. They clearly have their eyes set on killing Buddy too! And clearly represent that demon of all demons, Heavy Metal.

Anyway, they stalk Buddy on his travels to Lost Vegas and along the way we find that the Heavy Metal hordes plan to also become king of Lost Vegas!

Along the way Buddy encounters and kills a host of bizarre people, a family who despite the post-apocalyptic wasteland they live in, are still putting on a facade of the American dream. A wannabe rock n' roller, who Buddy tells to "Go get a picket fence somewhere", kick ass! A bunch of guys in moon-suits, who I think represented "the man", boy did Buddy ever do one over on them. And eventually a Russian General, who had a penchant for folk music and polka. I'm not sure if he represented Communism, Bod Dylan, Hippies or all three...

Anyway, the point is I had a dream last night in which I met Ellen DeGeneres and not only did she turn out to be a very pleasant person, but in fact become some what of a mentor of mine teaching me how to deal with day to day struggles and helping me learn true meaning in life. That was up until I was tragically killed in a car accident! But I was still among everyone as a ghost, and I kept flipping things around to haunt them, then Ray Barone (Because obviously, by this point I was on the set of Everybody Loves Raymond) suggests that it would be far funnier to haunt his mom, and so I did (I assume I did anyway, at this point my dream stayed on the people that weren't me while I went of to "haunt") until Ray's mom comes running in with her night mask on in a hilarious scene of American sit-comedy!
Then it turns out I wasn't really dead, everyone was just pretending they couldn't see me "for a laugh".
Then I woke up and mused about how the dream was more coherent than Six String Samurai.

And it's true!

Here's a trailer that confirms that what I said about this movie is true...

Batman Begins

Why do all the films I review of late not have taglines? The nerve! Mostly I assumed it was because they were just episodes of Masters Of Horror, but Batman Begins? Why doesn't Batman Begins have a tagline that I can easily find? It surely had one so if anyone knows it, please let me know... Anyhow... Today's review is of...

Batman Begins

Batman Begins follows the life of Bruce Wayne, multi-millionaire whiner who's parents were both killed as a child (as he was a child, not them, the film isn't that bizarre) and as a result he turns himself into a scary looking crime fighting freak show. In this particular installment, he must do battle with the sinister Dr. Crane while also dealing with some inner turmoil or something.
Dr. Crane is a psyholagtrist though, and perhaps could have helped ol' Brucey with his problems, in another life... the irony!
This movie is a vast improvement for Batman, as a character. The previous films about the caped loony really failed to get to grips with the deep underlying psychotic behavior that really drives a man to get all dressed up in leather and leap around town scaring children.
This installment of Batman, however, truly gets to the darker side of the dark knight that we haven't really seen since Adam West portrayed him in 1966... Christian Bale does an excellent job of playing Bruce Wayne, but his portrayal of Batman is a little off.
Hey, did anyone notice that Batman is only one letter shy from Bateman?
Hows about I spend the rest of this review making ridiculous comparisons to American Psycho?
No?
Not even a little?
Not even just to make you imagine...

"I just wondered what the Joker's head would look like on a stick! haha!!"

Shit.
Alright then... moving on to the more crucial points of the film...

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...Michael Caine!
It seems you can't go anywhere these days without bumping into this lively cockney tosser! He's everywhere, from this film with Christian Bale to another film with Christian Bale!
I have to admit that I thought Alfred should have a slightly more upper class "I beg your pardon sir, but do you have any grey poupon?" sort of feel. I find it hard to imagine how this film was a success to any degree in America with all the jibberish he was spouting throughout! Once you get past the layers upon layers of Cockney Rhyming slang you can almost decipher some sort of sense, but that takes a while, believe me. Here's a little extract from the script. (translations in parentheses)

Alfred: Look, you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off, Batman.

Batman:Eh?

Alfred: Sorry matey, what oi meant ta say was you betta be gettin' down the "Nat King Cole" (Batpole) before the whole of "Washing Shitty" (Gotham City) is submerged under a ruddy great pile o' "Siberian Tiger Piss" (Persian tiger piss)

Batman: Alfred, I could kiss you.

Alfred: Now 'old on son! Just because you don't have your "Faithful Mule Dobbin" (Robin) don't mean you should be going all "Queer" (gay) on me! Now get out there before the "Texas 'Old Em Poker" (Joker) has turned everyone into "Members Of The Brotherhood Of Man" (zombies)

See? Indecipherable nonsense!
Anyhow, if you want a movie about heroism and bravery, go watch Spiderman 3, wimp! If you want a movie about... other stuff, like bats and Katie Holmes. Rent this!

Batman Begins get's a healthy 4/5!

Batman Begin's official site