Thankskilling

Cast: Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, Ryan Francis, Aaron Carlson, Natasha Cordova, Chuck "The Dead Body Guy (Whatever that means?)" Lamb, General Bastard, Wanda Lust (This movie isn't a porno but I can't speak for other movies Ms. Lust has been in... it's possible she just got born with an unfortunately provocative name! And an unfortunately ironic tendency to show up in films with her tits out for no apparent reason... hmm...), Terry Reagan, Jessica Rees, Pat Love.

I know I usually list only a couple of people in the film but, well, I just felt this movie needed special attention.


Synopsis: Normally I write my own synopsis of the movies I review but since this movie is a particular gem I've decided to post the synopsis the film-makers have on their website...

"An evil turkey is unleashed…and he’s one “fowl” mouthed bastard! Five college kids heading home for Thanksgiving break cross paths with the turkey, who’s possessed by an ancient Indian curse. In this hilariously gory spoof, the teens must stop the maniac bird before he kills them all!"

That's right. A killer turkey... I posted their synopsis so that you didn't think I was making this up as some sort of cruel prank.


Review: The fact that this movie's very first shot is a close up of someone's tit and is immediately followed by a rather unconvincing hand-puppet turkey cackling while waving a hand axe around at the tit's owner gives you some idea about how seriously the viewer should take this film which is just as well because if I had begun thinking the film-makers were going to try and somehow make a killer turkey into any amount of a serious film I'd have been bitterly bitterly dissapointed. Instead the audience knows from the getgo that this is not in any way a film to be taken seriously and the film makers are aware of it so it's okay to laugh at the film and not feel bad!

Huzzah!

It wouldn't have stopped me laughing at it... I've seen some God-awful movies (See: anything by Bill Zebub) and laughed hysterically at how mind-numbingly terrible they are - hell, half the time it's better than watching a well-made, perfectly scripted snore-fest really but there's always a little less guilt when you know the people making the film wouldn't be crying on the inside to know you were enjoying the hilarity of their movie more than the horror (Unless I totally missed the point and have turned the film makers suicidal by my scathing words. In which case, I'd like to apologize... but won't).

Basically it's a fun little horror film. While making a mockery of the wise-cracking ridiculous bad guys we often see in slasher flicks, it manages to be a half-way decent slasher itself. Although the plot is as thin as the budget must have been, the film has been made with full knowledge that when you try and make an entirely serious horror film with a budget of $2 you end up churning out some utter unwatchable shit (Or a Lucio Fulci film, at best) so far better to make a cheesey script with a bunch of awkward comedy (A turkey actually "stuffs" a girl from behind... if you know what I mean? ... yeah, I mean it fucks her... it's a really awakard moment and I'd like to point out once more that this really really isn't a porno film. Honest!)!

Really a film about a killer turkey couldn't have been made better... if it had been more serious it would have made me vomit and if it had been less serious... well, that wouldn't have been possible. They really bottomed out on the seriousness! That's a good thing though, remember that when you decide to make a film about a killer Easter Bunny or some shit...


In Short: I'd put a cunning little Thanksgiving themed pun about being "stuffed full of gore" or "leaves you wanting seconds... or thirds!" or "so good you have to unbuckle your belt and go into a food coma with an Uncle you haven't spoken to all year"(?) but they'd all be redundant since the movie itself stole all the good ones, leaving we humble reviewers out in the dark, frankly. Fuck it.


Biggest Positive: The jokes about JonBenet Ramsay. Who knew there could be an appropriate medium for such terribly inappropriate jokes?


Biggest Negative: Well, let's face it, the hand puppet is about as convincing as a plastic dinosaur at the bottom of a cereal box.


Trivia: This movie is based, word for word, on a scroll found at the site of the very first thanksgiving. How they knew about JonBenet Ramsay back then is anyone's guess...

ThanksKilling Movie website

Troll 2

Cast: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy


Synopsis: A family decides to high-tail it to the country in a bizarrely 'ahead of it's time' kind of plot (I hear people actually do this these days thanks to Craigslist) where the city dwelling family Waits swap homes for a period of time with a bunch of brainless country livin' hicks living in the suspiciously named town of Nilbog! Unfortunately for them the entire population is run by Goblins who try to make humans eat their delicious looking booger-covered green plastic food so that they can become half-human half-plant beings which are obviously Goblins favorite foods!

Really makes you wonder about how creatures like the Goblin evolved to like the taste of such a very specific and extremely non-existant food source, doesn't it? I mean when did they first dicover that was their food of choice? When the Goblin queen just decided on a whim to bake up a batch of "turn them into plant" muffins just to see what might happen if they devoured the bloody bark-like flesh of the Plant People? Perhaps they happened upon a man who had covered himself in bark and leaves, consumed him and discovered it was good but not perfect and so set about concucting a weird complex way to somehow merge the seemingly unmergable and create the ultimate snack! Bizarrely enough, it seems that not only is it their favorite food but they've also sort of gotten sick of eating anything that isn't a man-plant hybrid. Well, it's no wonder you don't see many Goblins around anymore, is it?

In case you're wondering how this bizarre plot becomes revealed to our young rapscallion hero (Because obviosuly the Goblins wouldn't take time ot explain all this to them, that would kind of put them off eating the already disgusting looking dishes they prepare) it's quite simple. You see, the young man's grandfather passed away recently and his ghost is using his time walking the realms of non-existance, haunting the young Waits boy by telling him crazy Goblin stories, hiding from his parents so that they think the boy's nuts, helping him set fires and largely being a bit of an incomprehensible dickhead. Makes perfect sense to me!

One man's reaction to this film.

Review: I've been putting off this review because it's fucking Troll 2! It's one of the most renowned bad films of all time and I really don't think I can add any humor, wit or charm to it at all above what the internet (and this documentary) already has.

Instead, I'm going to go continue to hide under a pillow in my closet until a more sensible film comes around and I can sufficiently gather my thoughts enough to form opinions.

thank you.

I will say this though, the story between the boy and his Grandfather (especially the scene where Grandad hands him a molotov cocktail) could have been the plot of an awesome sinister version of Drop Dead Fred!

"You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"

In Short: Too much Goblins, not enough dead Grandads.


Biggest Positive: The acting by the father in the Waits family, or perhaps just the script. It's like he's just opening his mouth and letting whatever words he can best remember come spilling out!


Biggest Negative: In spite of the name of the film, and it's predescessor (The aptly named "Troll") this film is about Goblins, not trolls. Not even a single Troll shows up. I guess it doesn't make much difference really, since arguably they weren't Trolls or Goblins, just midgets in potatoe sacks.


Trivia: No. No trivia. You go home now.

Troll

Cast: Noah Hathaway, Jenny Beck, Phil Fondacaro


Synopsis: The Potter family move into an apartment building only to find a Troll from the basement is rebuilding his ancient troll army by consuming the tenants with his magic ring and turning them into weird tree people.

Meanwhile the thousand year old witch living upstairs turns out to be an ex-princess troll-hunter. Good thing too!


Review: Well! What a movie! It had it all. Bad acting, poor effects, bad acting, shitty directing, bad acting and a main character named Harry Potter (Quite evidently the entire Harry Potter franchise owes the makers of Troll a good few billion dollars worth of copyright money! Pay up J.K!)!

The thing is this movie has a sequel (the appropriately named "Troll 2" which is currently on my T.V. since we got the double feature through NetFlix which will get it's own shitty review after this one) which is allegedly the worst movie ever made so it's definitely something to look forward to but while watching Troll with it's absolutely appalling... everything, you have to think to yourself... will I survive Troll 2? I mean, this movie had nothing going for it at all. Nothing!

Well I can only imagine that where Troll was just bad... just plain awful and maybe what Troll 2 has going for it is being so incredibly bad that it's funny (a la Manos: The Hands Of Fate!).
Let's hope so...


In Short: This film sucked. Avoid at all costs. I'll let you know if Troll 2 is worth the effort once I've seen it.


Biggest Positive: Harry Potter's dad dancing around like he was having an epileptic fit to awful 80's pop-rock.


Biggest Negative: From what I've seen of Troll 2 so far, the biggest negative in the first Troll is the fact that the main character didn't have an imaginary dead Grandpa friend to talk to like the kid in the sequel seems to.


Trivia: This movie was made purely so that there could be a sequel made for strange ironic humorists to follow like a bizarre cult 20 years after it was made.


Troll's Wikipedia page

Cursed (2005)

Cast: Christina Ricci, Jesse Eisenberg, Joshua Jackson, Judy Greer

Synopsis: A string of bizarre animal attacks ravages Los Angelese with bodies showing up torn in two and ripped to shreds (Don't get too excited though, the film was PG-13 most of the way through). Christina Ricci and her dorky brother, Eisenberg are two siblings who manage to escape the clutches of the animal with only a few scratches but as it turns out (surprise!) that only leaves them CURSED. Soon they're discovering that they're slowly turning into vicious snarling beasts - hilarity ensues! I mean... horror ensues. This isn't Teen Wolf...

Review: I am so very glad that I didn't know this was directed by Wes Craven till after it was over because I feel it may have inadvertantly altered my view of the film in a negative way - not that I have anything against Craven but it might have set my expectations a little higher. As it was though this was a reasonable enough film, entertaining with an easy to follow yet not too boring plot - much like any other werewolf movie ever made. It was PG-13 though, which I fully understand since the whole film seemed much more geared towards a teen audience but I would far rather have seen a lot more gore in a movie with such seemingly savage beasts (A note - in the DVD extras the Film Editor claims that the DVD version I watched is actually rated R and it was only PG-13 in theaters but it's still extremely tame and personally I wouldn't have rated it above PG-13 if I were in the MPAA which I'm not so I'll shut up now). As far as the creature effects go they aren't too bad and even though it's blatantly obvious that the werewolf is nothing but a mechanical costume that is one billion times better than when you watch a film and it's obvious that it's CGI effects - I'd far rather laugh at a silly costume than lame computer effects - and the gore that there is in the film is pretty well done, so hats off there.

"You made me taste my own corn syrup..."

In short, the film was reasonable for what it is but is a far cry from being any sort of definitive or even terribly memorable werewolf movie.

Also it's a bad sign when the special features on the DVD are more entertaining than the film itself... just saying!

In Short:

Biggest Positive: They managed to not do a cheesy "Time of the month" joke!

Biggest Negative: PG-13! Fuck that shit.

- (That's harsh! I want to give this film 3 smiley's but I can't bring myself to do it...)

Cursed's imdb page

Snakes On A Plane

If you need a review of Snakes On A Plane to tell you anything about it then I truly have nothing more to say to you...

"First I was like..."

"Then I LOL'd!"

Isolation (2005)

Think "Black Sheep without the comic element".
In spite of this film involving, essentially, killer cows do not be fooled into thinking this might in some way be a humorous horror-comedy like Black Sheep was. Thankfully the back cover to the film tells you nothing of killer cows or people slipping into piles of shit that might make you think the film had some slapstick moments so I wasn't expecting anything funny but after reading this review and hearing about it you might be, in which case - mission accomplished!

Seriously though, this film is pretty good in a gruesome kind of way... the plot is fairly sub-standard - genetic experiments gone wrong - but the film makes up for it by having a fair amount of grizzly gore (Very little of it inflicted on humans though, I'm afraid). Before seeing this film I never thought I'd see so many people squash fetus' with the butts of guns, crawl through, fall in, wade through and fall into piles of cow shit constantly. I feel like this film wins some sort of record for "Most amount of cow shit used on a film".

I hope it was all real cow shit. That would make the film seem just that much more enjoyable.

Anyway, we got this film from the Previously Viewed Bin at the Video King for like $3, along with a pile of other horror films we've never heard of and this one has at least proved (Not that this needed proving to me) that just because you've never heard of a film doesn't mean it isn't worth watching. I somehow doubt all the films we bought are going to be as watchable though so maybe we started out with the one that's going to make all the others seem like absolute piles of turd by comparison... we'll see...

Here's a trailer:

IMdB page for Isolation

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

This is one of the best new films I've seen in a while... at least since Hatchet. And The Dark Knight... and Tropic Thunder was pretty cool. Well, okay, maybe I've seen quite a few recent enough films that were pretty cool but the point is after watching Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, you'll feel as though it's the best film you've seen in a long time
Basically in "Jack Brooks" (Or will it be known as "Monster Slayer" when people come to give it a short, easy-to-say, title?) we follow the unlikely hero trying to cope with everyday life while throwing random fits, destroying toasters and basically being unable to manage any semblance of normality. That is until he inadvertently assists a demon to work it's way back from the bowels of hell and into Robert Englund! The horror!
Then he decides maybe it would be a good idea to kill it... hmmm... you think?

Steven Tyler's cameo

Jack Slayer, or Monster Brooks, or whatever is excellently done and it's only flaw is that it takes quite a while to really get into the action, fortunately the characters (Or at least the main character) is humorous and enjoyable enough that it doesn't matter that he only spends the last 10 seconds of the film facing any demons.

I know the film-makers, fans of the film and indeed fans of any film ever may hate me for saying this but believe me I mean it as a mighty mighty compliment, but it really made me think that someone out there saw Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (the series, not the lame-ass film) and thought it would do better on HBO.

And they're right!

Jack Monster: Brooks Slayer doesn't actually have any vampires in it though, but any fan of Buffy knows that most of the well thought out bad guys in that series weren't vampires anyway.

For those who want a comparison that doesn't make you vomit, the film is also very similar to the Evil Dead series. The bad guys who get summoned by the main blob-like demon are very much like deadites (see "Steven Tyler" above) and the "Joe The Plumber Turns Evil Hunter" type storyline is very similar (in a "nod of the hat" kind of way) to Ash from The Evil Dead series.

And... uhh... and then, as if by magic, the review ended.

Official Site for Jack Slayer Monster Brookingstine Whatever

EDIT: I truly wish that I had spent a large portion of this review making un-necessary comparisons to Joe The Plumber over and over again

Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!

WHen I were a lad I recalled a Saturday morning cartoon show named "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes"...
... to which this image does not relate. However, around the same time I saw a movie a few times that was pretty much in the style of Airplane or Naked Gun about the aforementioned Killer Tomatoes. I had never seen anything of the movie or the series for many moons until one day my wife and I were perusing the "These movies really suck so we're selling them for a buck" section at a local movie rental store and saw the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes" on sale!
I remember thinking that it looked too old to be the movie I recalled as a child but really, how many movies could there possibly be about these Killer Tomatoes?

Apparently at least two, as I discovered on watching the movie that it was not the movie I recalled but was clearly related to the movie I had seen. The movie I had seen had been a sequel of all things! I dunno why anyone made a sequel, the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes' was a relatiuvely amusing enough concept but a fairly unfunny film (it had moments), but I do recall that the film I recall was actually rather amusing, so my search continued...

Until just recently when I spotted "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" on sale at Wal-mart!
"There couldn't possibly be three movies about the Killer Tomatoes, could there?", I stupidly thought to myself and snatched up "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" and begun to watch! Only to discover that this was actually a sequel to the movie I had seen!
"There's a fucking Killer Tomato trilogy?!", I hear you scream...
Well, not quite because there is yet another one named "Killer Tomatoes Eat France"

So, four films and a T.V. series and as far as I can tell the only one that was any sort of funny is the one that doesn't seem to be on sale anywhere I go, "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes"

Four films? I mean, really...
Both of the films I've seen (recently) have been relatively funny ideas, but overall very unfunny films with only a few laughable moments...

A great disappointment for my childhood, which eagerly awaits the remake which is comign out next year

Yes, five Killer Tomatoe films will be in existence as of next year (So they say)! Five!!! How do Killer Tomatoes manage to scrape together a fan-base to somehow sustain themselves over five films?

It's because of me, isn't it?
I'm the one sad lonely bastard soul out there buying Killer Tomatoe films in the vain hope of somehow, one day, finding the elusive Killer Tomatoe film I so fondly remmeber from the realms of yester-year...

The Hunt

Most of the time when we cruise through the "Watch Instantly" list on Netflix and find a horror film, made in the 90's, involving actors you've never heard of and starring, worst of all, a child you can pretty much be assured that what you're about to witness is basically someone's home made horror film that they somehow convinced Netflix to carry (seriously, half these films aren't even found on imdb!) And The Hunt was no exception! hahahahaha! Just kidding... The Hunt, although it fitted the description was by no means terrible like many other films that have similar plot outlines and summaries. The child actor could actually act for one thing, which is a big plus given that that's what ruins a lot of horror films. At first, I'll admit, I thought it was an amazing film in one sense (Only one, the film wasn't in any way really brilliant overall) since it was made in "Shaky-Cam-o-Vision" and made a little while before Cloverfield and Diary Of The Dead which seem to have glorified the movement... however then I realized the striking similarities between this film and The Blair Witch Project which I had briefly forgotten existed and then it dawned on me, once again, that The Hunt was just another mediocre film with some mediocre happenings... but it was well editted and acted which was about a million times better than I expected it to be...

Loch Ness Terror

Two key points about this film:

1) This film did not take place at Loch Ness

2) This film was not terrifying

This film perhaps should have been called "Lake Superior Upset". Or "Loch Ness Is In The First 5 Minutes Of This Film And Mentioned Several Times Throughout The Rest By A Bunch Of Crazies Around Lake Superior". Or "Nessie Gets Really Lost". Or "Nessie Plays With Magnets Then Explodes".

All would have been better and more accurate titles.

"Microwaving Nessies Bottom (Or Right Thigh)"

"The Man That Wasn't Steve Irwin Finds The Loch Ness Monster Isn't Living In Loch Ness At All!"

"Dinosaur Egg Surprise"

"The Mediocre Film"...

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

Call me olf-fashioned, stuck in the mud or just plain boring but I'm of the school of thought that still believes that when making a film, no matter how lame people are already going to presume it is, it's a good idea to let people see what's happening.

I mean, surely that's the point in "motion pictures", isn't it? Otherwise it's just a radio show with a funny flashing screen...

I must be wrong though because this movie's screen was pitch black for a good third of it. Granted, you could see an occasional shining of light or a vaguest of vague shadow of something possibly moving in the dark, maybe, but not really enough to make it even in the slightest bit possible for you to tell what's actually going on.

And since the Alien nor the Predator can actually speak, all that accompanies this perpetual darkness for much of the film is some gurgling grunts and screeches while the Alien/Predator (Because at most points in the film you can't even tell which of the two fuckers is actually doing anything) go about doing whatever it is they're doing in the dark.

Ironic (or just retarded) that the scenes which are most illuminated are those featuring humans who, in case you hadn't noticed, didn't appear in the title of the movie. Humans who, in case you hadn't guessed, you can't give two shits about and feel they should just be there for cannon fodder. So why light up these boring fucks and have the scenes involving the only interesting looking things in the film be shrouded in complete darkness?

Well, I don't fucking know but that's why this film gets just one smiley face.

Day Of The Dead (2008)

I used to firmly believe, and also have it proven time and time again, that all a movie had to do was involve zombies in one way or another and I'd at the very least be able to sit through it and enjoy it...
Seriously, I've watched some drivel zombie flicks. From members of the "Return Of The Living Dead" series (Sorry fans, but they're really quite lame) to some old zombie films set in prisons that no-one's ever heard of, and no-one's ever wanted to hear of... but no matter how camp, dumb, retarded, mentally challenged, completely unrealistic looking, ridiculous, poorly acted or just plain shitty they were I was still able to take away from them the feeling of having watched a film with zombies in it. In itself, I thought, was something unmistakably unique and special and that no movie could possibly fail in, if they happened to contain zombies in any way, shape or form.

That was until I saw the "remake" of Day Of The Dead which made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs with a rusty spoon

I Am Legend

Yeah so I've had a few beers, and yeah, I do prefer to review less... well... films that don't star Will Smith so much... yeah, so what?

You wanna make something of it, pal?

HUH?

Mothe...

Hey! I'm talking to you! You wanna hear this review or not?
Ok, ok...

So like, Will Smith is the last human alive, right? And like... he's some doctor, and he's working on something because... uh, oh wait no, because see... there are other people but they're just all like... crazed out on some cancer or something, right? Is that what happened?

Wait, can I start this review over? I get one do-over, right...

Man, look, I'll be honest... I started watching this film, had me a few beers and couldn't stop yelling at the T.V. and telling the Fresh Prince to get home to Bel Air before the shit got too real!
He didn't listen... the dumb bastard.
Then he hopped in his fancy airplane with Jeff Goldblum and blew up all the bad guys.

BOOM!

Shit got real.

Then my review started!

Ok, so Will Smith was just an ordinary New Yorker, not a care in the world when suddenly POW! a movie came along that was pretty cool about humanity being extinct. In this movie, stuff happened, but that's not important. What is important is that he had a pretty awesome dog.
That dog was so sweet, man.
It was all like, "woof!"
And Will was all like "Shut the fuck up, this is meant to be a serious movie about wierdo people who live in shitty buildings"
Then the dog was all like, "woof?"
Which was doggie for "For real?"
And Will was all like, "For real."

Then I'm pretty sure he made out with his creepy manican girlfriend. Dude, he totally made out with her and it was gross.
Then he totally cried about it, because he was a bit of a wuss.
Then, he said "Home, to Bel Air!"
And all was good.

Until the ending.

Seriously!

The fucking ending to this movie can fuck off and suck someplace else because I was thoroughly enjoying this movie until the last 10 minutes or so!

Dude

fuck

off!



P.S. I'll give this as many tags as I want. This is my blog MOTHERFUCKERS!

Cloverfield

This film wasn't nearly as bad as I expected from other reviews, all slamming the "shaky-cam" effect as being too annoying or causing too many seizure induced comas or whatever... pussies!

Although I do concede that most likely if I had seen this film in the movie theater that the shaky-cam may have made me want to rip the director's arm off and beat him to death with it... but I wasn't. I was on my couch not being some loser "movie-goer", thanks.

Anyhow, if it hadn't had the Shaky-cam crap, would it not have just been some Sci-fi special?
Would it not have been just another Godzilla? Sure would! Because in spite of my lack of annoyance at the shaky-cam style of the movie (No-one got this annoyed at Blair Waitch. wtf?) I was quite displeased that the creature itself looked about as original as a Michael Bay epic.
Could it not have been a giant frog?
Could it not have been a magnificently oversized slug?

Whatever, no big gripe because I'm sure half the point in the film was that, unlike Godzilla, the pointin the film was the people in it rather than the monster itself.
Which would be why they didn't get someone as cardboard as Mathew Broderick in it.

That was a zing!

Goodnight.

D-War

No, not a Chesney Hawkes biography adaptation but

D-War

or

Dragon War

or

Whatever!

Can I just start by saying what a fucking pile of bullshit?
Can I follow by requesting that 90 minutes of my life be returned?
I mean, I wasn't expecting anything of any substance whatsoever just from the title alone but holy crap, could someone in some aspect of making this film have fucking told someone that what they were doing was absolute rhino turd?

From what I could scavenge from the film it seemed like sometime long ago some poor fucking writer came up with a relatively harmless but enjoyable plot about some "ancient hero" revived from the past to seek out the mystical power of Yu GI Oh, or whatever it was called, which conveniently takes the form of an attractive young woman, fancy that!
Along the way the deep dark undisturbed evil is suddenly disturbed and calls upon his army of scary looking dark armored doom warrior types, furnishes them with some badly CGIed dragon-beast-dinosaur-things and they're off to seek out Yu Gi Oh for themselves for whatever reason. Something about unspeakable power... but this guy already had unspeakable power, so why bother?

Whatever.

The plot was harmless, it was everything else about the film that made me wish my arms would fall off, just so I'd have something to take my mind off the garbage that was puking it's way through my TV.

Each individual aspect of the film, the acting, the directing, the writing, the special effects felt like they had been performed by someone who thought the other aspects of the film were going to compensate for their lack of thought process. Don't get me wrong, none of the aspects were bad so much... for example, each scene was directed well enough, the angle was the most appropriate one for the scene, there is an appropriate cut to the next scene, but it truly feels like the director just never really spent the time making sure each scene was ideal. I know most directors can't hope to get every scene in the whole movie perfect but it damn well shows when a director didn't seem to spend any time trying to make them perfect.

Director: Well this scene ain't perfect but at least the special effects will make up for it

SFX Guy: Well these effects are a bit lame. Thank God there's a lot of talking in this film to mask it a little

Actors: Why is there a lot of talking in a film about dragons? This plot has no substance! Thank God the caterer's have good fries

Caterers: Get 'em while they're fresh!

And what's with all the fucking explosions?

I swear there were more explosions in this film than any I've seen, which just hacked me off because the budget for just one of those explosions is more than what I'd require from a studio to make a film of my own. OH I'M NOT BITTER YOU SHITTY FILMMAKERS!

Seriously though, it's like every 2 seconds something blows up. Usually it's a vehicle of some kind as it tips over and the camera stays on it as we think "Are they going to make it out of there?", but after a far too long pause for dramatic effect, BOOM! No, they ain't gonna make it, son...
A fair enough dramatic, thrilling, suspenseful trick to pull once in a while but this happens practically every time that it could possibly happen.

A helicopter gets catapulted around, smacking off every building on it's way down and smashes to the ground (by rights, it probably should have blown up already), the camera pauses on the helicopter for about 15 fucking minutes while we ponder about whether or not the two nobodies we were introduced to about 2 seconds previously will make it when BOOM! No way busto, they're gone!

A car gets stomped on by a chubby ass dinosaur, all is well, we're now following the dinosaur to see what it does when BOOM! The car explodes for no fucking reason whatsoever! We didn't even care anymore and it blew up.

The stars are climbing down the liberty building as a giant snake rattles it's way around it when BOOM! The fucking building starts to explode, just because!

The crowd is running away from the evilhordes of darkness when BOOM! Someone's head explodes.

I swear to God, in all reality a fucking dinosaur exploded in this film.
A Dinosaur Explodes.
That may sound like the most awesome thing in the fucking world but believe me it was a severe disappointments. It was a bit like if you found a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow only to find he resembled Shane McGowan and had spent his pot o' gold on a weekends supply of smack.

Oh and you know what didn't explode? A car that the two main stars of the film were in that got hit by a motherfucking fireball, flipped over on fire, then sat on it's fucking back while the flames engulfed the bastards! Not even in the time it took the flying mini-dragons that had only just flown from Los Angeles to the Mexican border in about 30 seconds to slowly edge their way to the car from 2 feet away, giving the heroes ample thinking time.

And how many times could the giant snake have just finished off the heroes with one quick snap!?
Too many! I've seen that shit on animal planet, those snakes will snap without warning and quick as lightening. Apparently though these big snakes have some sort of un-natural disadvantage when it comes to snapping up the people they've been chasing for a half-hour with the intention of snapping them up, that makes them sloooooooooooooooowly ease up into the air and spend a good 20 minutes or so waving it's big ol' CGI face around hissing wildly as if to say, "Why don't I just sit here and give anyone that could possibly distract me for a brief second do so? Sounds like fun! Ho hum..."
What?
I mean, action films are full of this bullshit, I always allow at least one retarded scene where something conveniently doesn't blow up, or a bad guy lets the good guys escape, or suddenly forgets how to shoot straight but this film was full of it.

And full of shit!

There's also a scene lifted straight from Godzilla. If you watch this film you'll see a scene where a monster is rampaging through the city and you'll go "Oh, yeah, I guess it is a bit like Godzilla" but then the scene which is practically identical will actually happen and you'll go BOOM! and explode for no fucking reason.

I'm really hesitant to give this film 1 out of 5, because it didn't do anything particularly offensivem and I feel the people working on it could do better if they just took their fucking time.

But I'm going to give it 1 out of 5 anyway.

1 out of 5 with a chance for parole, how's that?

Zombie Town

Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me.
Town to keep me movin',
keep me groovin' with some energy.
Well, I talk about it, talk about it,
talk about it, talk about it.
Talk about, talk about, talk about movin'.
Gotta move on.
Gotta move on.
Gotta move on.
Won't you take me to Zombie Town.
Won't you take me to Zombie Town.

Zombies + Small Town = Killing People You Know!

This review sucks...
Zombie Town is a small independent film, which seems to have been made and is set in Vermont.
It has a great small-town feel that other zombie films don't which almost makes you reflect on the difficulties which might be faced if you had to fight zombies that you know, but instead makes you think "Oh my God I could totally kill my boss and that dick from across the street!"
The soundtrack sucked, but I don't like many horror soundtracks so I'll let that slide, especially considering this had a fair amount of gore.

Uh... um... HI OH!

The Cave

Creature Feature x (Fair CGI + Poor Acting) / PG-13 Rating + (Predictable Plot x Overly Menacing Monsters)/Vague Implications Of A Poor Sequel =

THE CAVE

The Cave = Fairly Decent Horror Film - (R-Rating + Gore)

The bad news is I couldn't find a trailer for this film (I didn't look very hard)
The good news is I found this music video featuring the film instead!
Don't let the music put you off seeing the film , it wasn't too bad, just as cheesey as you might expect a creature feature to be.

The Cave's Shitty Website