Bob's Burgers: The Movie

Cast: Dan Mintz, H. Jon Benjamin, Kristen Schaal

Synopsis: The Belcher family tries to save the restaurant from a sinkhole, meanwhile the kids solve a mystery, meanwhile yes there's music, meanwhile MURDER.

Review: This very evening I must slaughter a rooster in my care because we named him "Trump". Also, he keeps attacking people but mostly his shitty name. Either way excuse me if instead of writing a review I give "killing a rooster with a stick" a quick google, a'ight?

In Short: There's a product named the "Hopper Popper" that humanely kills rabbits which works on chickens too but there's nothing humane about giving a murder device a cutesie name.

Trivia: It's Bob's Burgers, ya dolt. If you like Bob's Burgers then watch the film, if not, don't. What do you need a review for?

Biggest Positive: Thank the Lord that yes, it's a musical.

Biggest Negative: The impending collapse of all existence for little Trump.

Rating: 4/5

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Cast: Alex Vega, Anthony Stewart Head, Paris Hilton, Paul Sorvino


Synopsis: In a dark future where organ transplants have become both a necessity and a fashion accessory, a corrupt government legalizes the repossession of organs by those people who can't make their payments to the ever twisted GeneCo. the proclaimed 'Savior of Humanity'. The grizzly fate of harvesting people's organs is left to one man - The Repo Man. Who has his own unforgiving tale to tell... and for some bizarre reason everyone in the future sings all the time about every single thing ever.


Review: WTF?


Biggest Positive: As far as original ideas for films go they don't come much better than this, both the plot and the concept are fairly original at least in cinema these days...


Biggest Negative: After not too long it does get a little bit grating hearing people sing about everything. I mean, everything. The weather. Breakfast. (I know, I know, it's an opera what did I expect? I'm just saying - maybe I'm not an opera-guy)

Trivia: This film was nominated for five hundred Oscars including 'Best Operatic Piece Starring Paris Hilton Based In A Neon-Dark Future'

Repo! The Genetic Opera's website

The Crow

Cast: Brandon Lee, Rochelle Davis, Ernie Hudson


Synopsis: A hipster goth-like musician and his girlfriend are killed in a brutal needless murder but luckily for goths everywhere a magical crow decided that it would be cool to bring back the lanky hippy from the dead to seek revenge on his killers (apparently every other horrific murder in history doesn't matter to the magical crow and only people who look cool in white make up and a trench coat can be brought back from the dead.). Madness ensues.


Review: For years random people have been astounded when I tell them I haven't ever seen The Crow. Their heads fall back on themselves, their eyes bug out and some have even melted into a pool of their own self-loathing right in front of me. The reason, I always assumed, is because I used to have long vaguely curly hair, wear a big ol' leather trench coat and could be found occasionally wearing dark make up and leaping from building to building seeking my revenge on criminal underworlds so it seemed like a surprise when I hadn't seen the movie on which it might have seemed I based my entire existence... or so I thought! Until at work, where I wear a uniform and am not allowed to wear make up or kill people, a co-worker who hasn't seen me out of work expressed the exact same exasperation that I "of all people" had not seen The Crow. Thinking there must be something to this I decided (Was given a copy of The Crow by said co-worker and told if I didn't watch it he'd hunt me down and kill me) to finally get around to watching The Crow.

Having now seen it I realize now that when people said that I "had to see The Crow" what they actually meant was "You look like an obnoxious prick who likes shitty vaguely dark over-hyped movies that are only popular because someone died during filming".

Bummer.


In Short: Between this and Reservoir Dogs I realize that when everybody in the world says you need to see a movie it actually means "This movie sucks but everyone likes it because it's edgy without being close enough to the edge to be interesting!"


Biggest Positive: Heath Ledger clearly took some notes from this film, threw out all the shit and amplified the few decent parts a billion times to play the Joker. Then he died too, so it goes to show you should never ever do anything to associate yourself with this film, ever.


Biggest Negative: The hype behind this film is it's hugest flaw. I hope my review paints a picture of a truly awful film so that if you haven't seen the film and you finally do you'll maybe finish saying "Well, it wasn't that bad..."


Trivia: In an inronic twist of fate, exactly one year after his death Brandon Lee was still dead.

The Crow's Loft - fan page

No Country For Old Men

Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Javier Berdem


Synopsis: Josh Brolin find a stash of money amongst a bunch of dead Mexican drug lords, meanwhile Javier Bardem is killing people with an air powered cattle-killy thing, meanwhile Tommy Lee Jones is mumbling incoherently about nothing in particular, meanwhile Kelly MacDonald is talking about something I can't quite listen to because I'm too busy thinking "You're Scottish. Where has your accent been in the last 2 films I've seen you in?", meanwhile I just discovered that the guy that played the Deputy Sherrif (Garret Dillahunt) was Krug in "The Last House On The Left" who incidentally, in that film not this one, looked a bit like Josh Brolin, who in the meantime is sort of meandering about his business trying to hide with the money while meanwhile, Javier Bardem kills more people. Somehow all these people's plots are all about the same thing in the same movie...


Review: Why is it that every Coen brothers film I've seen has a plot that if you were to tell it to someone (e.g. "There's Mexican drug lords and Josh Brolin steals their money after they all die in a mass shoot-out but Javier Bardem plays this guy who needs that money and will stop at nothing to kill everyone in his path to get to it! Then a hired assassin shows up to kill either Josh, Javier or both! And the cops are hot on Javier's trail the whole way but can't quite get him as he gets closer and closer to catching Josh Brolin!") they'd think the film would be full of car chases, epic gun battles and multiple budget-busting explosions (There is one in this film but it's hardly Bay-esque!) but in reality the Coen brothers tend to make the film just about a bunch of slightly eccentric ugly people saying weird shit?


In Short: Too much romance, not enough human killing


Biggest Positive: "Would you hold still, please, sir..."


Biggest Negative: Not enough on screen violence. Is that wrong?


No Country For Old Men website


Trivia: 50 people died of boredom in early screenings of this film so the Coen brothers has to trim a half-hour long sequence of Josh Brolin watching an entire episode of Jeoporday in real-time and complete silence.

Midnight Meat Train

Cast: Vinnie Jones, Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb 

  Synopsis: A freelance photographer who's career is going nowhere (Probably because the camera he owns is a piece of shit) discovers that the subway holds more secrets than just great tasting subs and low-cal flatbreads - they are also home to a grizzly underground world in which Vinnie Jones butchers victims of late night trains and unloads them at an unknown destination... 

  Review: The film starts out pretty well, setting the scene for a good horror flick by entering us straight into the action rather than trying to build up to it. Trailers to the film made promises of a lot of gore and it becomes apparent in the first few scenes that the film is going to deliver that at least. Some of the gore is far too obviously CGI effects but for the kind of visuals the film seemed to be going for, "real" gore might not have worked - a bit of a let down but it isn't overly done so it doesn't take away from the film too much. The film has some pretty stunning visuals, nice camera angles and camera effects and they're all pretty well placed and used but at times it seems very forced, as if the director and editing crew wanted to practice a bunch of techniques they learned about while watching the DVD Extras to some Eli Roth movie so sometimes you find yourself sort of thinking "Yeah, very nice but can I see what's actually going on here?" but overall the film meets its goals. The acting is reasonable, perhaps even above par for a movie of this caliber, and Vinnie Jones once again proves he can play a lumbering speechless barbarian very well. So, overall an above-par horror film... pretty much until the last 20 minutes or so when things start to go a little weird... Spoilers do follow, major ones that might make you not want to see the film, so I've put them in white so they're disguised - just click and hold to reveal my awesome secrets: 

  SPOILERS: So the film is progressing along and, much like many horror films - especially small time ones, you find yourself wondering how will this end! Smaller horror films (and some big ones) still occasionally end with miserable endings which is great because then you don't know who's going to live and who's going to die or what's going to happen at all! So it gets to the final scenes - wimpy photographer is following the Butcher into the subway and brandishing all sorts of ridiculous weaponry in order to make the final scenes as cheesye as possible and I find myself thinking that - given the cheese-factor already apparent - the filmmakers are having a hard time coming up with a good and reasonable way to end this film and given that the film is based on a book it might be that the book has a pretty silly ending and they don't know how to deal with it, so what's going to happen? These are pretty much the options I had in my mind... 

1. Wimpy Photographer kills Butcher. Butcher is forced under train thus no remains are found. Police find Photographer guilty of all crimes. Girlfriend cries a lot. The End! 

2.  Turns out the Photographer is the Butcher and has been all along and he invented this other world to escape from his life. In the end, confronted with his girlfriend knowing the truth he ends up shot by her. Girlfriend cries a lot. The End! 

3.  Turns out the girlfriend is the Butcher and has been all along. In the end, she kills him and moves on with her underground slaughtering life. Photographer dies a lot. The End!

4. Photographer kills butcher only to have train pull up underneath the slaughterhouse and be confronted with about a hundred other butchers all with the same idea. Butchers kill the photographer. Girlfriend cires a lot. Butchers kill her too. The End! 

or 

5.  Turns out there's an underground network of weird demonic vampiric space monkeys living underneath New York City unbeknownst to everyone who Vinnie Jones, instead of feeding them left over meat from his butchering job, feeds them skinny white people (mostly). None of the Demonic Space Monkey plot would be hinted at at all during the movie though of course, so that it's a "surprise". Girlfriend stands there with a "What the fuck kind of fuckery is this?" look on her face a lot. The End! 

At some point in the filmmaking process someone thought "Hey, let's not do any of those regular endings! Let's go for the Space Monkey ending!" Seriously! That's how this movie ended! 80 minutes of tension packed thriller ("packed" might be exaggerating a little) with blood, cool visuals and a little mystique to it followed by 20 minutes of Demonic Space Monkeys turning the audience into broken shells of people. 

In Short: I should have known! Why didn't I think about who made this story? 

  Biggest Positive: Vinnie Jones beating people about the head constantly. 

  Biggest Negative: Yeah... I already went over that I think... 

  Film Website: Midnight Meat Train The Movie 

  Trivia: Vinnie Jones was actually supposed to speak through the whole film but after reading the script he refused.

 

Iron Man

If you like loud obnoxious metal music, gay CG explosions, "heroes" who are drunken lay-about sleaze mongers who have absolutely none of the characteristics that make us feel empathy and/or sympathy towards them and villains who seem to have no world-conquering motive then you'll love Iron Man!


Seriously... is it just me or is part of what make the great superheroes great the fact that we can relate to them on some level? Even the high and mighty billionaire Bruce Wayne has an extreme vulnerability that makes us side with him when he's battling villains but this Tony Stark prick has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever!

Sure, it makes him suave, cool and "macho" but it also makes him a gormless fool who I frankly was hoping was going to be blown up in the opening moments of the movie. He'd probably have made a good bad guy for Spider-man, actually! I'd have been on his side then, if the drunken fuck-headed Tony Stark was battling it out with the Amazing Spider-man then maybe I could have been like "That Iron Man kicks ASS man!" but I'd probably just have been hoping that he was played by Willem Dafoe.

In short, Tony Stark/Iron Man was a hero for people who don't really like super heroes, in my opinion. He was a sort of "Die Hard" action hero character who, in that setting, we can all side with because he's bad-ass, doesn't give a fuck and doesn't stop till all the bad guys are dead and everything around them has blown up.

So let me add to my opening statement:

If you like piss-poor heavy metal, dumb-ass explosion-riddled battle sequences, alcoholic dead-beat heroes and you don't actually like super hero movies, you'll love Iron Man.

And if anyone tells you this film was better than The Dark Knight (Especially if the person telling you is Robert Downey Junior) then kick them hard in the nuts.

The Amazing Screw-on Head

This film is only 22 minutes long!

Proportionally, this review should only be three lines long.

So, umm… this film was really funny yet somehow confused me on a deep level that I don’t think I quite comprehend, here’s a trailer goodbye!

The Dark Knight

Before reading this review you may want to meander on over to my review of Batman Begins, just for shits and giggles.

While you’re at it you may, before you see the film The Dark Knight, want to see Batman Begins as it seems many people neglected to see the original film before seeing the sequel.

Don’t ask me why but the reason I think it happened is because I have observed many people comment negatively on the deep, raspy, Batman-like voice that Christian Bale uses in the film.

Maybe I’m the only one who was paying attention during Batman Begins (perfectly possible) but I seem to recall this really minor character who was in a couple of scenes whose name I believe was “Batman” who had a very similar deep, raspy, Batman-like voice to the character named “Batman” in the sequel. Strangely I don’t recall anyone really caring about his voice in the original film… So either, I was the only one who noticed that Batman was in the first film in the series or else no-one else actually saw the film because none of the actors died prior to it’s release.

Why so furious?

Yeah I went there.

If you go back to my original review you’ll see that I was looking forward to Heath Ledger playing the Joker before most people even gave a shit that he was in the film.

Yes, yes, you can all bow before me later.

Hell, even when the first shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker was released and all the celeb-blogs were on about how “iffy” the whole thing was and how no-one was sure whether Heath was a good enough actor to pull of the role and Jack Nicholson went on a long-forgotten rant about why no-one but he should ever play the Joker because he’s just so awesome and untouchable I was busy thinking “Hey, Batman Begins was pretty cool and Heath looks pretty damn scary… give him a chance...”

Why so vomitous?

So fuck all you’re necrophelic asses all the way to fuck-town, buddy! I bet Heath will get an Oscar too… fuck that all to hell too. Not that I don’t think he deserved an Oscar. I thought his performance was remarkable and if it was up to me performances such as his (Original, outlandish, energetic. Unlike the usual Oscar winning roles – retarded) would be winning the Oscars every year but I know damn well that people playing the bad guy in superhero movies don’t win Oscars and if he does it’s because Hollywood is as necrophelic as the rest of the world. Did Willem Dafoe win an Oscar for the Green Goblin? No. But maybe he would have if he died before the film came out… ridonkulous, no?

Why so ridiculous?

Point is Batman’s voice isn’t annoying, it’s Batman-like.

Heath Ledger’s death shouldn’t have affected people’s perception of this film, before or after seeing it.

Christian Bale may be a mother beater, a baby eater, a dog fiddler, a drug smuggler, an international mob boss and an evil scientist hell-bent on the destruction of the human race but he is an excellent actor.

Thus concludes my review… wait, I didn’t actually say anything about the film, did I?

Why so insidious?

Fuck it…

Movie Thoughts: Tim Burton To Direct "Alice In Wonderland"?

So I just heard that Tim Burton is set to direct a remake of the classic tale, "Alice In Wonderland"!
What's up?
Did he run out of merchandise to hawk at Hot Topic?
No, but seriously, much as the idea of a Burton directed Alice In Wonderland might be whimsical and wonderful. Colorful yet gloomy. Gothic and blah blah etc. Isn't it just about the most predictable thing you could ever come up with?

It's like hearing Stephen Spielberg has decided to direct an epic war movie or Johnny Depp decided to star in a Burton film (I hear he may be the Mad Hatter, how original, I would never have thought of putting him in that role... ever...)

Come on, Tim! Have a little creativity! Do something we don't expect!
It's one thing for Spielberg to churn out epics or Michael Bay to make a film full of slow-motion explosions (or for him to butcher a bunch of classic horror films by opting not to cast Freddy Krueger as Freddy Krueger! WTF?!(By "Freddy Krueger" I mean "Robert Englund, of course)) but Tim Burton, at one time, was a somewhat inspiring and original craftsman and although I'm sure the film will be enjoyable enough it will, alas, fill me with sad, sad, CGI tears.

Do something unpredictable, please!

The Ruins

What Jaws did for swimming at beaches...

What Freddy Krueger did for scary dreams...

What Jason did for sexy times...

What Jurassic Park did for strange Scotsmen who decide to clone dinosaurs for a quick buck...

What Alien did for advanced space exploration...

The Ruins did for DVD sales.

I am now petrified to get another DVD and put it in my player for fear that I may be forced to endure another 90 minutes such as those experienced while watching The Ruins. No, no, it wasn't scary in the traditional way you'd expect a horror film to be, it was scary in how phenomenally terrible an idea the whole thing is... I was pretty slow to catch on to what was actually going on in this film so I won't give it away by saying what is the bad-guy in this film though, so you can at least have that going for you... I think I only didn't catch on because my brain didn't want to believe it? Anyhow, for serious though, this film is distinctly flawed in that it really seems to be made with the thought process that the audience is going to watch it knowing it's a horror film but not know what is going to kill them (at least for the first 20 - 30 minutes of the film) which leaves the audience member (The ones who don't know about the film, such as me) thinking up what elaborate and beastly demons might be lurking in the Ruins to slaughter our hapless main characters one by one in ways each more elaborate and scary than the rest.

Is it demons from the depths of hell?

Is it a weird evolution of man that's been trapped in the ruins for centuries and is now a weird man-eating man-bat thing?

Is it an alien (or predator)?

No... it's... yes, well just take my word for it, any one of those things might have been more exciting. Not as original I'll grant you that... but more exciting for sure...

Anyhow, I'm going to sneak off and hide in a cave for the rest of my life just in case some fucktard bastard decides to make a sequel to this.

Damn, but I'm scared of dark enclosed places now!
Not because of The Ruins but because of The Descent.
Why would the descent scare me and not the Ruins? Well, because something scary is actually after people in that film! Shock, I know.

The only thing this film had going for it was the gore. But, come on! Hostel II had good gore and it didn't excuse that train wreck of a film so I hardly think it excuses this one either...

I Am Legend

Yeah so I've had a few beers, and yeah, I do prefer to review less... well... films that don't star Will Smith so much... yeah, so what?

You wanna make something of it, pal?

HUH?

Mothe...

Hey! I'm talking to you! You wanna hear this review or not?
Ok, ok...

So like, Will Smith is the last human alive, right? And like... he's some doctor, and he's working on something because... uh, oh wait no, because see... there are other people but they're just all like... crazed out on some cancer or something, right? Is that what happened?

Wait, can I start this review over? I get one do-over, right...

Man, look, I'll be honest... I started watching this film, had me a few beers and couldn't stop yelling at the T.V. and telling the Fresh Prince to get home to Bel Air before the shit got too real!
He didn't listen... the dumb bastard.
Then he hopped in his fancy airplane with Jeff Goldblum and blew up all the bad guys.

BOOM!

Shit got real.

Then my review started!

Ok, so Will Smith was just an ordinary New Yorker, not a care in the world when suddenly POW! a movie came along that was pretty cool about humanity being extinct. In this movie, stuff happened, but that's not important. What is important is that he had a pretty awesome dog.
That dog was so sweet, man.
It was all like, "woof!"
And Will was all like "Shut the fuck up, this is meant to be a serious movie about wierdo people who live in shitty buildings"
Then the dog was all like, "woof?"
Which was doggie for "For real?"
And Will was all like, "For real."

Then I'm pretty sure he made out with his creepy manican girlfriend. Dude, he totally made out with her and it was gross.
Then he totally cried about it, because he was a bit of a wuss.
Then, he said "Home, to Bel Air!"
And all was good.

Until the ending.

Seriously!

The fucking ending to this movie can fuck off and suck someplace else because I was thoroughly enjoying this movie until the last 10 minutes or so!

Dude

fuck

off!



P.S. I'll give this as many tags as I want. This is my blog MOTHERFUCKERS!

The Invasion

Due to laziness on my part, and making it probably more convenient for anyone trying to view the archive posts, I decided I'll just name them after the film I'm reviewing instead of the Tagline. Isn't that a hoot?

I hope you're happy now, you bastards! You and your constant complaining and whining that I don't make any sense naming the posts after taglines...

Yes, I was fully aware that it made it trickier for people to view the archives and if anyone were to actually be using my site for the purpose of seeking out a review of a specific film that it would be near impossible. But frankly I didn't care, sir! Mine is not a site of "convention" and "following standards", and I say to thee that my site is not for the casual film observer, looking for a serious opinion on a film but rather someone who is interested in a perspective on a film that they haven't heard of, or is just interested in a fresh, or at least original, opinion on a film.

That is what this site is about, sir! Integrity, originality and freedom of expression!

But you come in here with your complaints about Taglines, and non-sensical reviews and thwarts my great ideas of making an interesting movie review blog!!! How dare you!!!

Nonetheless, from this day forth, the Title of my posts shall be that of the name of the movie which I review...

I hope you're satisfied, you son-of-a-bitch!





(Why did no-one like this film? Was the original that much better? Because I thought this was pretty cool...)

Freddy Vs Ghostbusters

I don't think it's fair that I review this in any sort of "proper" manner as it appears to have been made on the low, just a group of people who were just having a laugh and trying to make a fun little "film".

It's only about 30 minutes long and yes, it involves the Ghostbusters we all know and love doing battle with Freddy Krueger.

Ummm... that's all. I think it's worth a viewing.

Speaking of which it's available to download at the Official Freddy Vs Ghostbusters Site!
Here's a link: www.braxtanfilm.com/fvgb.html.

I'm pretty sure that'll be the only place it's available too.

You might as well watch it, right?

Misery

Much as it pains me to say this, I've noticed lately that there are some movies based on Stephen King novels that aren't hunking bowls of steaming turd...
Misery is one such movie!

The Simpsons Movie

I'll be honest here, I was expecting this movie to be a phenomenal disappointment. I felt that The Simpsons truly is a format which is unsuitable for a feature-length movie, it would be like trying to expand an episode of Roseanne to 90 minutes... I shudder at the thought of that.

I expected that the only way they could possibly hope to achieve this almighty goal would be to cram in as many characters as possible, giving nothing but a 90 minute montage of Simpsons lines with no substance and some ridiculous over-the-top plot, which some of the latter series episodes of The Simpsons are guilty of having, rather than the down to Earth (with merely an over-the-top twist) plot-lines that kept the Simpsons in everybody's hearts (or at least minds) for so long.

And this movie did just that!

No, I'm kidding but I feel like a lot of my reviews are making these attempts at comical twists half-way through.

I give my reviews 1 out of 5!

However, The Simpsons Movie is as good as it can be, better maybe, considering the fact that I expected it to be somewhat dragging. The plot is far more like earlier Simpsons seasons, which I feel may have been a deliberate ploy by the writers, who probably knew that many people would go to see this film (or sit on their asses and wait for the DVD to see this film) who had not been watching the latest Simpsons seasons, whether it be through lack of interest or just less time to sit and make time for them or whether out of sheer protest of Fox. My only issue with the plot is that Mr Burns could have been a more integral part and it would have made the film a billion times better! For me anyway, maybe making it far more central around the actual Simpsons was a good idea considering it's about them, and not Burnsie...

Still, Mr Burns is the best character in the Simpsons, no?

I couldn't help but compare this movie in my head to the South Park movie...
Although I personally prefer the South Park movie overall, I feel like it really felt like a peak of the series, and after it I have failed to really get into South Park, besides a few fleeting episodes of interest here and there, whereas the Simpsons Movie didn't feel like a peak as I first expected, and had me (God forgive me) wishing I still got Fox, in order to begin watching the series again...

Praise the lord for not having cable anymore!

300

It's about time I reviewed this

I wasn't expecting much from this film, it's not really the kind of film I tend to hold in too high a regard but I was expecting at least was epic battles and gimpy epic lines, which this film delivered to some degree. However, in all honesty, I felt it was too short... seriously, when I think 300, I was expecting something so epically engaging that it would be a three hour long battle sequence with about 15 minutes of plot! When I saw the cover, and saw it wasn't even 2 hours long I was seriously dissapointed! (It was like the reverse feeling from when I looked at King Kong's runtime)

Anyway, so no big deal, they surely just cut out the plot and opted for (almost) 2 hours of straight battle?

I wish!

Unfortunately it seems the film had some unnecessary plot, love story, struggle and some sort of glorious message to tell. It seemed to imply that if it weren't for this raving band of closet homosexuals the world would be without all that I hold dear today, too. Interesting perspective on life Mr Snyder, but couldn't we have gotten Michael Bay to direct this film? No substance, all action, slow motion sequences and just make sure he knows he's not aiming for PG-13 this time so he remembers not to leave out the blood!

Actually scratch that... the fight with all the explosions in 300 was the least enjoyable, and Michael Bay would only amplify that... and set the whole thing in space...
Ok ok, so Michael Bay would have made this film worse but the point is that what I wanted from this film was non-stop blood, gore, screaming, fighting and such as... Africa and the Iraq and such as...

What I got was some of that with a bunch of jibba-jabba in the middle that I couldn't hear because my brain was set to All-Gore-Mode (not Al-Gore-Mode) and I couldn't respond to English.

And don't even get me started on the historcal innacuracies!!!

Mainly because I have no idea what they are...



The 300 At Yahoo! Movies

Moon Of The Wolf

"Did The Wild Dogs Do It To Her? Depends What You Mean By "Do It"."

This was a TV movie made in 1972, but we had the good fortune to find it in Wal-mart (or possibly the dollar store) on a double feature disc, coupled with "Dr Jekyl Vs The Werewolf", which, if it turns out to be as good as "Moon Of The Wolf" will make it well worth the $1 we spent on the DVD!

When you pay $1 for a movie (Never mind 2) you expect a pile of turd that's worth the buck just to laugh at the atrocious nature of the film-making and more or less have your own version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in your living room as you pick at holes and mock the cheesy special effects and piss-poor acting! So when a movie turns out to be watchable, well scripted and reasonable it's almost a dissapointment.
"Moon Of The Wolf" is like a brilliant blend of the two! It has enough poor acted moments and cheesy lines to inspire a few sneaky jabs at the writer's expense but it has enough of a plot (plot by werewolf movie standards, let's not get carried away here!) and is together enough to be enjoyed as a film in itself and not just a giant freak show of a movie!
The movie basically follows the same plot as about a million other werewolf movies where some scared townsfolk don't know what's going on while a hapless hero slowly puts things together just in time to save a woman who he just met and started to like during the movie.
The special effects are lame, the acting is sub-standard but hey, it only cost 50 cents!?
We'll see if Dr Jekyl Vs The Werewolf lives up to it's 50 cents...

Moon Of The Wolf's Wikipedia article

V For Vendetta

V for Vendetta was a sweet magic carpet ride over the Arabian desert of conscious being

It was a sucker punch from the artistic bowels of Muhammad Ali
It was a single wrapped up golden present in the bottom of my Christmas stocking
It was a fire blazing deep in the night with no origin and the fuel of a million matches
It was a giraffe in a movie-forest full of zebra
It was a heat seeking panther
It was cold soothing rain on a warm summer evening: refreshing and longed for
It was a blank canvas in which all my thoughts and feeling could be painted
It was
Fucking awesome!

V For Vendetta's Website

Dark Water

Most creepy 'what's going on?!?' type horror films (The Ring, The Others, The Grudge, The Waterboy) follow a basic pattern whereby the character development in the film is limited only to information that's relevant, such as finding out a character has a deep abandonment issue from their childhood which comes into play later in the movie when they're left alone in an empty cardboard box, leaving the bulk of the film to be used to develop a plot and to have all sorts of creepy things happen, such as photographs melting, Japanese girls gibbering to themselves about a curse, televisions mysteriously switching off and on when no-one is accidentally sitting on the remote or little boys who 'meow' when they open their mouths (It's amazing how tame that seems when it's typed...).

Dark Water is like the exact opposite of this idea... it was marketed, as far as I remember, as being part of this wave of creepy ghost story horror films that was at it's peak a few years ago and yet for the first hour of this film you'd think it had been written by Charlie Kaufman (before being swiftly censored and edited by some asshole from Fox, resulting in a long drawn out romantic drama with a few slightly odd characters who managed to slip through the net when the evil whore-hounds at Fox tried to turn Mr Kaufman's work into an all-encompassing feel good romance movie... this movie has nothing to do with Charlie Kaufman or Fox...) and it's not till far too late into the film that we are given even the slightest of slight creepy feelings.
Alas it is too late...
Had the entire film contained the spooky elements that were present in the last half hour this film would have been a moderate to poor horror film.
Instead it was a poor to poor horror film.
And the use of the term 'horror' is questionable.
On the positive side, the characters in the film are quirky, realistically odd and well played. Down to characters who only play a really small part in the film (Such as the lawyer, the school teacher and the landlord).
Unfortunately this is not a film in which I should be pondering over the complexities of such small parts, I should be wondering why there is a constant creepy drip coming from the floor above.
Why there are endless demonic carol type singing of children's nursery rhymes eminating throughout the elevator shaft.
Why the stains on the ceiling resemble a creepy little girl.
WHY DOES THE CARETAKER REFUSE TO SPEAK TO THE LITTLE GIRL AND WHY DOES HE ALWAYS SHAKE WHEN SHE'S AROUND AS IF TO IMPLY THAT SOMETHING VAGUELY CREEPY IS GOING ON BUT WE
JUST
DON'T
KNOW
WHAT?!
I should be concerned as to why the child has dissapeared and no-one seems to recall where she is, who she is, if she even had a daughter when she entered the building.

Why, if she had no daughter, is there a love-heart squeaked onto the glass of the window which Jodie Foster only finds when she breathes on the glass?

Why is it that only Jodie Foster can remember her child in one film and Julianne Moore in another? Thus furthering her career in which she will eventually become Jodie Foster??

None of this happens in Dark Water
None of it.
Something creepy should have happened
But it didn't
Something should have made me jump
But it didn't
Godamnit, you'd think this film had some sort of impact on my life the way I'm going on about it


But it didn't

Dark Water's Official Site

Batman Begins

Why do all the films I review of late not have taglines? The nerve! Mostly I assumed it was because they were just episodes of Masters Of Horror, but Batman Begins? Why doesn't Batman Begins have a tagline that I can easily find? It surely had one so if anyone knows it, please let me know... Anyhow... Today's review is of...

Batman Begins

Batman Begins follows the life of Bruce Wayne, multi-millionaire whiner who's parents were both killed as a child (as he was a child, not them, the film isn't that bizarre) and as a result he turns himself into a scary looking crime fighting freak show. In this particular installment, he must do battle with the sinister Dr. Crane while also dealing with some inner turmoil or something.
Dr. Crane is a psyholagtrist though, and perhaps could have helped ol' Brucey with his problems, in another life... the irony!
This movie is a vast improvement for Batman, as a character. The previous films about the caped loony really failed to get to grips with the deep underlying psychotic behavior that really drives a man to get all dressed up in leather and leap around town scaring children.
This installment of Batman, however, truly gets to the darker side of the dark knight that we haven't really seen since Adam West portrayed him in 1966... Christian Bale does an excellent job of playing Bruce Wayne, but his portrayal of Batman is a little off.
Hey, did anyone notice that Batman is only one letter shy from Bateman?
Hows about I spend the rest of this review making ridiculous comparisons to American Psycho?
No?
Not even a little?
Not even just to make you imagine...

"I just wondered what the Joker's head would look like on a stick! haha!!"

Shit.
Alright then... moving on to the more crucial points of the film...

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...Michael Caine!
It seems you can't go anywhere these days without bumping into this lively cockney tosser! He's everywhere, from this film with Christian Bale to another film with Christian Bale!
I have to admit that I thought Alfred should have a slightly more upper class "I beg your pardon sir, but do you have any grey poupon?" sort of feel. I find it hard to imagine how this film was a success to any degree in America with all the jibberish he was spouting throughout! Once you get past the layers upon layers of Cockney Rhyming slang you can almost decipher some sort of sense, but that takes a while, believe me. Here's a little extract from the script. (translations in parentheses)

Alfred: Look, you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off, Batman.

Batman:Eh?

Alfred: Sorry matey, what oi meant ta say was you betta be gettin' down the "Nat King Cole" (Batpole) before the whole of "Washing Shitty" (Gotham City) is submerged under a ruddy great pile o' "Siberian Tiger Piss" (Persian tiger piss)

Batman: Alfred, I could kiss you.

Alfred: Now 'old on son! Just because you don't have your "Faithful Mule Dobbin" (Robin) don't mean you should be going all "Queer" (gay) on me! Now get out there before the "Texas 'Old Em Poker" (Joker) has turned everyone into "Members Of The Brotherhood Of Man" (zombies)

See? Indecipherable nonsense!
Anyhow, if you want a movie about heroism and bravery, go watch Spiderman 3, wimp! If you want a movie about... other stuff, like bats and Katie Holmes. Rent this!

Batman Begins get's a healthy 4/5!

Batman Begin's official site