Troll

Cast: Noah Hathaway, Jenny Beck, Phil Fondacaro


Synopsis: The Potter family move into an apartment building only to find a Troll from the basement is rebuilding his ancient troll army by consuming the tenants with his magic ring and turning them into weird tree people.

Meanwhile the thousand year old witch living upstairs turns out to be an ex-princess troll-hunter. Good thing too!


Review: Well! What a movie! It had it all. Bad acting, poor effects, bad acting, shitty directing, bad acting and a main character named Harry Potter (Quite evidently the entire Harry Potter franchise owes the makers of Troll a good few billion dollars worth of copyright money! Pay up J.K!)!

The thing is this movie has a sequel (the appropriately named "Troll 2" which is currently on my T.V. since we got the double feature through NetFlix which will get it's own shitty review after this one) which is allegedly the worst movie ever made so it's definitely something to look forward to but while watching Troll with it's absolutely appalling... everything, you have to think to yourself... will I survive Troll 2? I mean, this movie had nothing going for it at all. Nothing!

Well I can only imagine that where Troll was just bad... just plain awful and maybe what Troll 2 has going for it is being so incredibly bad that it's funny (a la Manos: The Hands Of Fate!).
Let's hope so...


In Short: This film sucked. Avoid at all costs. I'll let you know if Troll 2 is worth the effort once I've seen it.


Biggest Positive: Harry Potter's dad dancing around like he was having an epileptic fit to awful 80's pop-rock.


Biggest Negative: From what I've seen of Troll 2 so far, the biggest negative in the first Troll is the fact that the main character didn't have an imaginary dead Grandpa friend to talk to like the kid in the sequel seems to.


Trivia: This movie was made purely so that there could be a sequel made for strange ironic humorists to follow like a bizarre cult 20 years after it was made.


Troll's Wikipedia page

Into Thy Hands

Cast: Bill Zebub, Debbie Dee


Synopsis: Apparently this film was about a man who thought he was the second coming of Christ... uh...


Review: This was an abominable waste of everyone's time. Clearly somewhere in the dirty dirty shores of New Jersey a long haired hell's angel type (Named "Bill Zebub" no less...) was tired of listening to the local Death Core Metal scene and decided he would set about making a video in which he could play the sweaty lead role while a bunch of girls took their clothes off and let him look at them and, if he could get the right "actresses", touch them. *Bill Zebub titters like a school girl*

I can only imagine the looks he got when he was putting his script out there...

Bill Zebub: So what do you think?

Producer: Uh... Mr. Zebub, we don't make porn flicks here.

Bill Zebub: This isn't porn! This is a deeply anti-religious piece in which I reflect on man's inhumanity to even the Heavenly Father's son who was sent to save us as he returns to Earth in a vengeful state. It's a pseudo-cult modern day classic tale...

Producers: Right... and why is there a naked chick in every scene?

Bill Zebub: Because I like titties.

Producer: And why are you playing the lead role?

Bill Zebub: Because I like titties.

Producer: And why should we make this film?

Bill Zebub: Because you like titties?

Producer: Sold!


In Short: This was the biggest pile of shit I've ever had the misfortune to sit through and unlike "Home Made", I'm not going ot feel bad if Mr. Bill Zebub stumbles upon this review and cries himself to sleep about it.


Biggest Positive: It was only about an hour long. Had all the unnecessary close ups of candles and awkwardly long non-sex scenes been cut it would have been a five minute short.


Biggest Negative: The whole fucking disaster. Nothing was good about this film.


Bill Zebub's website - I haven't been here so enter it at your own risk.


Trivia: "Into Thy Hands" is used in some underground Korean medical circles to induce vomitting.

Home Made

Cast: Jason Impey


Synopsis: A notorious film maker is striving to make the ultimate snuff film by killing a bunch of random people.


Review: What in the world was this film doing on a DVD collection of horror films I recently purchased? I mean, kudos to the film-maker. Not only does it seem like a fairly reasonable film of practice shots that I'm sure will serve him well if he ever makes a proper production, and fair play to him for managing to get it on any sort of official release in a foreign country (The film is from the U.K. and I'm in the U.S.) but really, this served as little more than inspiration for me to go out and make a horror film since apparently you can just film a bunch of people walking endlessly before eventually meeting their not-so-gory end in some fairly unrealistic death scenes, followed by another person walking endlessly before dying in a similar boring fashion and have it pass as a releasable work of art.


In Short: ...


Biggest Positive: The director must feel pretty fucking sweet that this got released


Biggest Negative: I don't.


Jason Impey's Website - he's the director and also plays the director in the film he directed about a director.


Trivia: Unlike other films I've given poor reviews to I might feel a pang of guilt of the director reads this...

Disturbing Behavior

Cast: James Marsden, Katie Holmes, Tobias Mehler, William Sadler

Synopsis: In Disturbing Behavior we follow Cyclops from the X-men (I'm telling you that so you don't spend the entire movie thinking "Where do I recognize that chin from?" like I did) as he moves to Cradle Bay Island where John Connor (From Terminator 3, so not the real John Connor from Terminator 2 or the really fucking angry, unprofessional, "ADEDADEDA" John Connor from Terminator 4) is the resident weirdo along with Katie Holmes (prior to her reprogramming by Tom Cruise) and everyone else is some sort of whacked out zombie frat boy.

Spoiler Alert: You're reading a review of a film I've seen. I'm going to talk about that film and therefor will talk about things that happen in it. Therefor, spoilers will lay ahead. Big ones. With sharp teeth.

Review: This film is a deep exploration of the isolation felt not only by "the new kid in town" (Cyclops) but also by the outcasts of society (Pre-Cyborg Holmes and Reject-Connor) when the popular kids begin to lure the underclass into their midst with temptations of such wonders as blue sweaters and... stuff? Anyway turns out the whole thing os being carefully orchestrated by the football coach or something, using mind controlling drugs to alter kids perceptions and get them to do their bidding. It's a brilliant take on society with the coach representing all authority figures who constantly barrage our modern society with their controller devices. The drugs in this case are a metaphor for the educational vices that most of us grow up in school being forced to accept in order to fit into the norms of society, in this case represented by the mysterious frat-boy zombie types and as demonstrated by Reject-Connor when he finally submits and joins the frat boys. We are forced to believe, by our preconceptions of society and how we believe it is that Reject-Connor will eventually turn around and be as he was but the fact that he does not is representative not of some deep evil force controlling our minds but merely of growing up.
The film is littered with subtle, hard to catch, references to such pieces of work as Clockwork Orange, 1984 and Slaughterhouse 5, as well as social references to a soviet-era Russia.
It may take you a couple of watches to really get how deep this film was but believe me it's absolutely worth at least 3 or 4 views to really catch all the subtleties through...

Oh who the fuck am I kidding?

This film was a filthy piece of 90's era Scream-Wannabe trash littered with shit alterna-rock, stereotypical teenage characters you want to choke and the worst acting I've ever seen a man with such a prominent chin ever perform.

ONE SMILEY!



Here's The Gay Ass Website

Days Of Darkness

More and more movies are proving to me lately that just having zombies in your film does not in any way mean it's not going to be a steaming pile of turd...


Days Of Darkness is exactly the kind of zombie film that makes you want to hurl chunks.
The acting is practically non-existent from the start and the characters are so detestable that there isn't a moment when you don't just want them all to throw themselves over the fence and be eaten alive, preferably five minutes into the film so you don't need to go on watching this fucking nonsense...

Whatever you do with your life, don't make it watching this film. It is an utter waste of time. There are (very few) moments that are reasonable including some semi-decent gore but these are surrounded by an ocean of pointless speeches, explanations and melodrama. I mean it takes about fifteen minutes of really boring "group discussions" for the characters to figure out that the comet (that we see in the opening sequence hurtling towards Earth) is the cause of all this! Fine, the characters didn't see the connection but since the audience is already fully aware there is no need for the characters to spend more than a few seconds figuring this out - it's just plain boring! Have a character who saw the comet crash who can quickly inform everyone - have the characters already figure it out before we join them - have them hear it on an emergency broadcast - SOMETHING! But for God's sake don't make us sit through the tedium of them working it out...
And why is it that the zombie infection infects men's testicles and virgin girls?
Original Idea: Yes
Necessary: No
Better Film Without It: Yes! Yes! Yes!

It did make for some gross moments though which frankly were almost the only thing this film had going for it...
Almost...

You see in the last five minutes of the film (I'm talking about the end of the film, in case it wasn't obvious there is going to be a spoiler or two here) they discover that the reason all the assholes in the picture above weren't infected when the comet struck is because they were all drunk at the time and the infecting parasite hates alcohol filled blood!

Genius!

You see, what this means is all they have to do is get trashed to be able to fight of the zombies and avoid infection!
Unfortunately this all transpires in the last five minutes or so of the film with just enough time for the credits to roll as the only awesome scene in the film goes on: The two main characters swigging at a giant jug of whiskey as they blow away zombies, laughing their asses off and waving shotguns around!

Then the film ends. 90 minutes of shit for 5 seconds of awesome? FAIL!

This film had the potential to be the zombie equivalent of the drunken master! Imagine a zombie film where the only way to survive was to be pissed out your head?

A brilliant idea, sadly lost because someone thought it was a better idea to do the same thing every other low-budget zombie film in history has ever done. Except worse.

I might have given this film 2 out of 5 for gore but I'm giving it one because it took a good idea and fucked it in the ass.



Days Of Darkness's Website - it has "Kids Can Write" in the url. If this film was written by Kindergartners then I applaud them and it would totally explain it's existence.

Jason X

Fuck this film.

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things is an incredibly dull and poor acted attempt at a thrill ride which all too late turns into a sub-par but watchable zombie film about ten minutes before the end, but that's not important right now.
What is important is that at a key moment (When a rather amusing looking 'Three Stooges' type fellow in a love-heart patterned shirt is being sequestered by a couple of rather camp gay grave diggers - who, by the way, were about the only likable characters) someone in the film exclaims "I peed my pants!", several times.

I know this doesn't seem amazing by any stretch to anyone but to me it was as if the good Lord in Heaven was trying to communicate with me, you see over the course of the weekend we also watched:

• Willard - in which Crispin Glover's boss is said to have pissed his pants when the rats get at his brand new car
• The Grudge 2 - in which some girl pees herself after a shower upon witnessing the scary staring girl
• Pieces - in which someone pees themselves. Pieces was ultimately forgettable except for a few key retarded lines so I don't really recall any of the events that led to someone pissing all over themselves but rest assured, it happened. I've just saved you the trouble of watching 'Pieces' by the way. It's not worth it!

Weird huh?

I mean how many films is there that people piss themselves in?

I can only think of one more and I'm not watching American Pie anytime soon, but what are the chances of so many films with urine soaked trousers being a prevalent theme being viewed all in such quick succession?

I can only imagine the mighty powers that be, the Necromancers of bed-wetting and lousy B-grade movies crossed paths over the weekend and tried to convey to me a message of warning, but what could it be?

And what's that comfortable yet awkward warm feeling between my legs all about?

Oh...

Shock Treatment

The Rocky Horror picture show was by far one of my favorite (If not, the favorite) films of all time. I've loved it since I was a small child, probably too young to be watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show but there you go...
It has it all! Thrills! Chills! Laughs! Susan Sarandon in leather!
A true classic of a film, no doubt about it and would easily get 5 smiley faces if I ever chose to review it...
I know that many people reading this might be wondering why I'm going on about The Rocky Horror Picture show and I know this because I myself would have wondered, had I read this review a mere week or two ago for you see I, like many of us, was blissfully unaware that The Rocky Horror Picture Show spawned a sequel and it's name was Shock Treatment!

No, no, don't click on the link I only put it there as a hellish temptation.

Some sequels really fuck up the original film.

Some sequels are just so phenomenally God-awful that they take any sort of point that the first film made and take a giant crap all over it.

Some sequels are so mind-numbingly terrible that they make you feel nothing but an enormous amount of pity for the poor saps who were roped into reprising their roles from the original.

Some sequels are so drastically vomitous and pleasure-destroying that merely trying to recall them makes you wish you could rip out your own brain through your ears just to forget they ever plagued your life.

Fortunately, Shock Treatment is so far beyond all that, it is so awful and so despicable that it has thankfully been long since forgotten, allowing The Rocky Horror Picture Show to essentially retro-actively abort it's offspring. Praise the Lord above for the fact that this film is very little known and is rarely, if ever, associated with it's far far superior first.

You want a plot summary? Fine.

It seems Brad and Janet, having completely and miraculously forgotten anything that happened to them in the previous film find themselves in the audience of a strangely unappealing and boring musical gameshow. Having no recollection of the events which preceded them however, seems to have ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNIFICANCE WHATSOEVER, as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happens in this film which has anything to do with the original in any way whatsoever, except that it stars Brad and Janet, both of whom are played by completely different actors. Janet doesn't look a thing like Susan Sarandon and she can't lip-sync for shit

Check it fucking out?!!?

Sure, she looks like she's whispering the correct words but it doesn't look a thing like she's singing them...

Whatever... basically this film has none of the appeal of the original, the songs are cringe-worthy and irrelevant and the whole theme of the film (Something about how Television controls our lives and minds, maybe?) is so completely un-backed up and lost in a mindless bubble of shit-acting and poor singing that what Shock Treatment ended up looking like is a movie, how it would appear, if Uwe Boll decided to remake a Terry Gilliam movie.

Awful.

Save yourselves and don't ever try and seek out this pile of trash as I did...

War Of The Robots

War of the Robots is a touching tale of how power corrupts, virtue and honor triumph over evil, true love prevails and in the future everything will look terribly unrealistic and everyone will wear one piece jump suits for no reason.

Since this film was made in 1978 I'm going to make sure I don't dwell on poor quality special effects, since it was most likely beyond the filmmakers capabilities to do better, and instead I'll focus on the shit acting, poor script and abysmally vomit-inducing camera work.
Actually fuck it, I couldn't help but get caught up in the shit effects. They used the exact same (shitty) shot of a (shitty) model floating around in (shitty looking unrealistic) space about 500 times.
Did they only have the budget to fling the model through their shit space-colored backdrop once?
Couldn't they have done it a few times and shot it from different angles to change things up a little bit?
Would it have been too much to ask for them to just not show the ship at all?

Anyway... I guess the special effects aren't what makes a movie truly bad... what does that is a ridiculous plot that doesn't make any sense.

Basically what happens is a ship full of, what must be the deep-space future version of, electrical repairmen is sent off to get a satellite up and running again but when they get there the creepy (evil) scientist who was living there has inexplicably been kidnapped by Nazis from space.
Rather than just forget about it and go home, this hapless bunch of repairmen set about to try and rescue him only to find themselves confronted by a planet full of the space Nazis.

Science Fiction shenanigans ensue.

Science Fiction writers ought to be about a million times more careful with their stories than any other kind of writer because I, for one, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, can't help but pick through any and all flaws that the film may contain...
Yes, there are the usual dumb ideas that somehow mans advancement will lead him to believe that laser guns will somehow be more effective and commonly used than regular projectile weapons and the misconception that somewhere along man's evolution he will lose sense of fashion altogether so that everyone in the known galaxy is wearing exactly the same outfit. Usually overly laden with needless shoulder pads, turtle necked tops and sparkly bits. And let's not forget the military issue low-cut model for the better looking among the female crew members.
Obviously.

No, what I couldn't get past in this film were the following disastrous points.

Directions - They kept using the directions North, South, East and West in space. Surely even someone with the most basic of knowledge of... well, anything, would be able to realize with just a minor amount of thought that these directions pertain to relative directions on Earth! (Or presumably any other planet) But in the reaches of deep space saying "The enemy is 1000 miles North of us commander." is about as useful as a condom dispenser in a nunnery.

Lasers - lasers will not become weapons in the future. Maybe in space battles they'd become useful, but even still doubtful. This is a point that bugs me in any sci-fi movies though, of course but in this movie the thoughts were exasperated when one hapless character was trying to man the laser guns from the ship (This hapless character, by the way, has lived in a cave with no light or any signs of civilisation up until the moment about 15 minutes prior that he was picked up by the ship, so why they were having him man the weapons was completely beyond me.) but was having no luck hitting anything. "I'm fed up!" he declared like a 10 year old brat, somehow forgetting he's in the middle of an epic space battle, and was told by the head honcho guy to "Aim a little in front of your target and you'll do better!". Wise advice if you're firing a fucking regular gun but, surprise, lasers travel at light speed, I dunno if you know how fast that is but it's pretty fucking amazingly so-fast-you-don't-need-worry-unless-your-a-gazillion-million-trillion-miles-from-your-target fast. What? If you're going to use lasers as weapons in your shitty sci-fi film, at least check into what a laser is and how it might function.

Gravity - a quick Gravity lesson. The bigger something is, the more gravity it has. If we step on any surface that's a lot larger or smaller than the Earth we're likely to notice the effects of this by either being crushed into a puddle or floating away as soon as we try and leap out of our space craft. But no, somehow even when on an insignificant asteroid (Which somehow sustains a small population of freaks) everything is just tickity-boo. No problems breathing or remaining on the ground. Amazing!

Texan Accent Guy - There was this one guy who was declared as coming from Texas in the film. I have no idea why, because it was never a plot point of any kind. He didn't save the day by rounding up cattle or successfully landing them in his ranch that he knew like the back of his hand. He didn't even have any sort of Texan sensibilities. Whatever they might be. So you may think that it was only brought up to explain some poor actors uncontroloably strong Texas accent! That would make sense! But no! The actor was so unbelievably not from Texas that they would have been better suited asking me to play the part and telling me just say "shucks" and "y'all" a lot.

Space Fights - space fights are lame unless you really have a budget to make them awesome. In 1978 the only person capable of that was George Lucas. Notice that in any of the Star Trek movies the space fights are largely subdued and boring? I did, and fuck all y'all that disagree. But, if you must have a space fight at the very very least what you could do when the good guys ship is hit and you have to do that "Shaking the camera while everyone flails around pretending the ship is shaking" thing, at the very very least you could make sure that everyone flails in the same direction. Otherwise it's like... what the fuck is happening here? Is the ship being shaken in all directions at once? Is this some weird space-time anomaly that makes gravity and the pulls of space act differently on each individual? No, it's a director who didn't think before he picked a camera and said "Sci Fi! That's the genre for me!".

Robots - Hey, if you're going to make an army of killer Aryan robots, why not make them good enough to be able to face a group of about 7 people armed with flashlights without being slaughtered by the hundred?

I dunno why we were meant to be surprised when it turned out the weird Nazis who spoke monotonously, all looked pretty much the same and were dressed in aluminum foil were robots! I mean the movie's called war of the robots, and they were the only ones doing any fighting... perhaps the movie had a different title initially and the studios came down and made them change it. Maybe it was called "Attack Of The Shitty Script" or "Stuff Happening In Space You Couldn't Give A Flying Fuck About".

Fuck me, this review is long.

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

Call me olf-fashioned, stuck in the mud or just plain boring but I'm of the school of thought that still believes that when making a film, no matter how lame people are already going to presume it is, it's a good idea to let people see what's happening.

I mean, surely that's the point in "motion pictures", isn't it? Otherwise it's just a radio show with a funny flashing screen...

I must be wrong though because this movie's screen was pitch black for a good third of it. Granted, you could see an occasional shining of light or a vaguest of vague shadow of something possibly moving in the dark, maybe, but not really enough to make it even in the slightest bit possible for you to tell what's actually going on.

And since the Alien nor the Predator can actually speak, all that accompanies this perpetual darkness for much of the film is some gurgling grunts and screeches while the Alien/Predator (Because at most points in the film you can't even tell which of the two fuckers is actually doing anything) go about doing whatever it is they're doing in the dark.

Ironic (or just retarded) that the scenes which are most illuminated are those featuring humans who, in case you hadn't noticed, didn't appear in the title of the movie. Humans who, in case you hadn't guessed, you can't give two shits about and feel they should just be there for cannon fodder. So why light up these boring fucks and have the scenes involving the only interesting looking things in the film be shrouded in complete darkness?

Well, I don't fucking know but that's why this film gets just one smiley face.

Day Of The Dead (2008)

I used to firmly believe, and also have it proven time and time again, that all a movie had to do was involve zombies in one way or another and I'd at the very least be able to sit through it and enjoy it...
Seriously, I've watched some drivel zombie flicks. From members of the "Return Of The Living Dead" series (Sorry fans, but they're really quite lame) to some old zombie films set in prisons that no-one's ever heard of, and no-one's ever wanted to hear of... but no matter how camp, dumb, retarded, mentally challenged, completely unrealistic looking, ridiculous, poorly acted or just plain shitty they were I was still able to take away from them the feeling of having watched a film with zombies in it. In itself, I thought, was something unmistakably unique and special and that no movie could possibly fail in, if they happened to contain zombies in any way, shape or form.

That was until I saw the "remake" of Day Of The Dead which made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs with a rusty spoon

Satan's Little Helper

First of all, let me express my complete disbelief at imdb's claim that this film was rated R! What the fuck? I've seen harsher episodes of The Power Rangers.

Anyhow, this film was so extraordinarily close to being as bad as Jack-O, which I'm not even sure I reviewed because it was so atrociously bad... a note to the makers of Jack-O and Satan's Little Helper, almost any type of genre can have a child as a lead role in it without too much difficulty (Nothing more than batting eyelids and a cute face will suffice) but for horror, unlike the adult cast in most horror films, you need to have a child who is an extraordinarily good actor to be able to pull of any amount of creepiness, fear, rage whatever... otherwise you just ruin any sort of mood you might be able to create without them... an no offense to the kid who played Dougie in this film, he seemed to be a reasonable enough child actor, but this wasn't some Disney movie with a talking dog, this was meant to be horror... at least to some degree...

Really though, I can't pin the blame of this failing it's horror genre on some kid! This movie wasn't in the least bit scary and the only piece of gore was inflicted on a latex cat! What a crock...
Attempts at "horror-comedy" were short lived and pointless, suspense was slim to none, special effects were non-existent...
So what did this movie have going for it that makes it worthy of a review when Jack-O did not?

This guy:
For sure, this was the most horrible looking bad guy I've seen in a long time but hell, every time this guy gave a shaky Frat boy style thumbs up, or shaky middle finger I couldn't help but chortle... I'm not sure if he was meant to be creepy or was meant to come across as an awesome drunk moron, but whatever the case this guy made the film for me... at least, made it fall short of being a complete waste of time and effort


Peek-a-boo!
You guessed it, his face wasn't animated at all! You might have been misled by that last picture into thinking there were some sort of special effects used on this guy but there were not...
I just realized who he reminded me of!
Remember in Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey when Evil Robot Bill loses his head?
Well this character was pretty much like the decapitated body... except he lasted a good 2 hours acting like that, rather then half a minute...


That's just uncalled for!
But her complete lack of emotion, hatred, lust, rage or love show exactly how everyone else in this movie acted. If they had all had masks on, with huge fixed expressions like Mr. Satan here then the whole film would have been roughly 95% more interesting than it was... it may not have been any good but hell, it would have been original!

J-Dog!
Yeah, and if everyone else had no lines whatsoever it would have improved the film immensely.
Also, if the film had only been 5 minutes long.
Also, this film could very well have just been a 2 second video clip on YouTube of some guy dressed as Satan giving a shaky thumbs up then flipping the bird at the camera and it would have captured the best parts about this film...

Would it have killed them to make Jesus go ona killing spree, by the way?

That may have improved it also...

I have to watch a good movie soon, otherwise my "one out of five" movies are going ot go waaaaaay past any other ratings...

Death Row

It's important to say that perhaps a week ago I was in my kitchen mixing a vodka seltzer drink I thought to myself "I wonder what alcoholic delight could be mixed with Root Beer or Dr Pepper?", since Cola is a main staple in many alcohol-soft drink combinations I thought it would be nice if some of the sodas I actually drink were usable in such a fashion, however I couldn't think of any that would mix well... but I gave up on the thought! Until, just before watching this movie when I was making a Mochatini (Vodka, Chocolate Liqueur and Coffee Liqueur) and I thought "Hold on, would Chocolate Liqueur go in Root Beer?". I almost snubbed the whole thing out as a pointless endeavor when I decided that even if it was disgusting I'd still drink the fucker. So I added one shot of Chocolate Liquer to a glass of nice cold Root Beer! And it worked! Kind of... more or less the flavors cancelled each other out to make a relatively bland drink but I at the very least discovered that it was possible to mix some sort of alcoholic beverage with my Root Beer. So I can now set forth and enjoy a life of alcoholism while still enjoying my favorite soft drink! As for a review: Don't ever watch this fucking film. If anyone knows of any delicious alcohol recipes using Dr Pepper or Root Beer, kindly comment!

Un Chien Andalou

Got me a movie that I ain't gonna review
a ha ha ho!

Barnyard

Ok, so yes this was a kids movie and wasn't really amongst the kind of computer animated films that are half-aimed at kids while still trying to appeal to the poor bored parents watching them (though it sure as hell seemed to want to be one of those.judging purely by choice of voice-actors), so maybe it's a bit unfair of me to review it like any other film but it frankly had some of the cheapest looking computer animation I've seen in a long time.

Possibly ever.

And for that I condemn it to the ever growing number of films I've condemned.

Plasterhead

was a cinematic masterpiece, with some of the finest acting, cinematography, writing and direction I've witnessed in film in a long time!

No wait, I lied.



The "old rickety country house that hasn't been lived in for at least a decade" in this film, which in actual fact looks more like it was built a week ago and freshly furnished, is the only thing that's laughably bad in this film, and may be the only reason to watch it, ever. Ever.

Ever ever.







Ever.

Nightmare On Elm Street Remake

I'm going to review this right now.

Before anyone has been set to direct, star or film it.

All I know about it is it's a remake of Nightmare On Elm Street, not another sequel, not a prequel, a reeeeeemake.

It most likely will not have Robert Englund in it.


And...


It will be coming from the production companies of...

MICHAEL BAY!

Therefor.



Here is a quote from Bruce Willis when he was informed of some sort of vague interest in Michael Bay making a Die Hard film.

“I would rather eat a live baby in front of my grandma than have Michael Bay direct a DIE HARD movie. I would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than let that car engine in a human skin leave his satanic fingerprints on John McClane. In fact, this new PG-13 thing is the only part of ruining modern action movies that Michael Bay is not personally responsible for. The rest of it is all him. Don’t even fucking say those words in the same sentence, you’re only gonna give them ideas for part 5. It’s like saying Candyman in front of a mirror, that motherfucker will show up and snort John McClane’s soul right in front of you and then piss it out on your shoes. He would have ruined DH4. Few people will work with him now, and I know I will never work with him again.”

Fuck Michael Bay

D-War

No, not a Chesney Hawkes biography adaptation but

D-War

or

Dragon War

or

Whatever!

Can I just start by saying what a fucking pile of bullshit?
Can I follow by requesting that 90 minutes of my life be returned?
I mean, I wasn't expecting anything of any substance whatsoever just from the title alone but holy crap, could someone in some aspect of making this film have fucking told someone that what they were doing was absolute rhino turd?

From what I could scavenge from the film it seemed like sometime long ago some poor fucking writer came up with a relatively harmless but enjoyable plot about some "ancient hero" revived from the past to seek out the mystical power of Yu GI Oh, or whatever it was called, which conveniently takes the form of an attractive young woman, fancy that!
Along the way the deep dark undisturbed evil is suddenly disturbed and calls upon his army of scary looking dark armored doom warrior types, furnishes them with some badly CGIed dragon-beast-dinosaur-things and they're off to seek out Yu Gi Oh for themselves for whatever reason. Something about unspeakable power... but this guy already had unspeakable power, so why bother?

Whatever.

The plot was harmless, it was everything else about the film that made me wish my arms would fall off, just so I'd have something to take my mind off the garbage that was puking it's way through my TV.

Each individual aspect of the film, the acting, the directing, the writing, the special effects felt like they had been performed by someone who thought the other aspects of the film were going to compensate for their lack of thought process. Don't get me wrong, none of the aspects were bad so much... for example, each scene was directed well enough, the angle was the most appropriate one for the scene, there is an appropriate cut to the next scene, but it truly feels like the director just never really spent the time making sure each scene was ideal. I know most directors can't hope to get every scene in the whole movie perfect but it damn well shows when a director didn't seem to spend any time trying to make them perfect.

Director: Well this scene ain't perfect but at least the special effects will make up for it

SFX Guy: Well these effects are a bit lame. Thank God there's a lot of talking in this film to mask it a little

Actors: Why is there a lot of talking in a film about dragons? This plot has no substance! Thank God the caterer's have good fries

Caterers: Get 'em while they're fresh!

And what's with all the fucking explosions?

I swear there were more explosions in this film than any I've seen, which just hacked me off because the budget for just one of those explosions is more than what I'd require from a studio to make a film of my own. OH I'M NOT BITTER YOU SHITTY FILMMAKERS!

Seriously though, it's like every 2 seconds something blows up. Usually it's a vehicle of some kind as it tips over and the camera stays on it as we think "Are they going to make it out of there?", but after a far too long pause for dramatic effect, BOOM! No, they ain't gonna make it, son...
A fair enough dramatic, thrilling, suspenseful trick to pull once in a while but this happens practically every time that it could possibly happen.

A helicopter gets catapulted around, smacking off every building on it's way down and smashes to the ground (by rights, it probably should have blown up already), the camera pauses on the helicopter for about 15 fucking minutes while we ponder about whether or not the two nobodies we were introduced to about 2 seconds previously will make it when BOOM! No way busto, they're gone!

A car gets stomped on by a chubby ass dinosaur, all is well, we're now following the dinosaur to see what it does when BOOM! The car explodes for no fucking reason whatsoever! We didn't even care anymore and it blew up.

The stars are climbing down the liberty building as a giant snake rattles it's way around it when BOOM! The fucking building starts to explode, just because!

The crowd is running away from the evilhordes of darkness when BOOM! Someone's head explodes.

I swear to God, in all reality a fucking dinosaur exploded in this film.
A Dinosaur Explodes.
That may sound like the most awesome thing in the fucking world but believe me it was a severe disappointments. It was a bit like if you found a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow only to find he resembled Shane McGowan and had spent his pot o' gold on a weekends supply of smack.

Oh and you know what didn't explode? A car that the two main stars of the film were in that got hit by a motherfucking fireball, flipped over on fire, then sat on it's fucking back while the flames engulfed the bastards! Not even in the time it took the flying mini-dragons that had only just flown from Los Angeles to the Mexican border in about 30 seconds to slowly edge their way to the car from 2 feet away, giving the heroes ample thinking time.

And how many times could the giant snake have just finished off the heroes with one quick snap!?
Too many! I've seen that shit on animal planet, those snakes will snap without warning and quick as lightening. Apparently though these big snakes have some sort of un-natural disadvantage when it comes to snapping up the people they've been chasing for a half-hour with the intention of snapping them up, that makes them sloooooooooooooooowly ease up into the air and spend a good 20 minutes or so waving it's big ol' CGI face around hissing wildly as if to say, "Why don't I just sit here and give anyone that could possibly distract me for a brief second do so? Sounds like fun! Ho hum..."
What?
I mean, action films are full of this bullshit, I always allow at least one retarded scene where something conveniently doesn't blow up, or a bad guy lets the good guys escape, or suddenly forgets how to shoot straight but this film was full of it.

And full of shit!

There's also a scene lifted straight from Godzilla. If you watch this film you'll see a scene where a monster is rampaging through the city and you'll go "Oh, yeah, I guess it is a bit like Godzilla" but then the scene which is practically identical will actually happen and you'll go BOOM! and explode for no fucking reason.

I'm really hesitant to give this film 1 out of 5, because it didn't do anything particularly offensivem and I feel the people working on it could do better if they just took their fucking time.

But I'm going to give it 1 out of 5 anyway.

1 out of 5 with a chance for parole, how's that?

Hostel 2

Hostel: Part II

Jackass: The Movie

Why did I watch this?
Did anyone ask "why" before the first people sat down to preview Eraserhead?
Did anyone ask "why" before they saw the unveiling of the Mona Lisa?
Did they ask it when first they stepped into the Sistine Chapel to witness Michaelangelo's magnificence? Did they ponder on the purpose behind The Resurrection Of Christ and interrogate Raphael about it's meanings, until he could take it no more?
Did they ask Donatello why, of all the turtles, he spent so much time creating dumbass machines instead of eating pizza and being awesome like the rest of them? I mean, C'mon, even Leonardo could chill out once in a while, guy!
Did they ask Isaac Newton why he was going off to sit under a tree "till something inspirational happens"?!
Did they ask Einstein why he was remembered more for being a little bit crazy than being a little bit of a genius? I guess not since he'd be dead by then...
Did they ask why before Martin Luther King stepped before a vast audience gathered to hear him and delivered his "I have a dream" speech?

They probably did, I guess...