Synopsis: In a wild distopian future, Keanu Reeves stars as a man trapped in a world in which The Matrix films have become self aware - determined to crawl so far up their own ass that they transform into an Ouroboros, hell bent on destroying an already ruined franchise of movies.
Review: If you find yourself scrolling through HBO and think "Hey wow, this movie just came out!" And don't realize it likely means the film isn't as good as it looked like it'd be, then congratulations, you've fallen into what I'm dubbing The Batman-Matrix trap!
Two unnecessary reboots to movies that have already been overdone.
Two actors who aren't great but who are both for unknown reasons, unquestionably charmismatic (I won't ever not watch a Reeves or Pattinson movie and not feel good about it).
Two movies filled with folks who should be doing better but who fuck it, deserve a pay check (Looking at you Dano/Harris)
I'm not certain The Batman and The Matrix Resurrections aren't the same movie and it's just a glitch in the simulation we all live in that's made them appear seperate.
In Short: Todo List:
1. Watch the first 30 minutes of this movie
2. Ponder movie makers choice to not use therapy scene where Keanu and Neil Patrick Harris basically circle jerk around the idea of a reboot to the Matrix trilogy as a trailer
3. Realize that would have set expectations too high
4. Cancel HBO Max subscription and burn all records that you ever had it
Trivia: Keanu's role in this movie has finally alleviated his debt to The Deep Ones and will have his soul returned to him by next Tuesday
Biggest Positive: Neil Patrick Harris' glasses
Biggest Negative: I regret not finding out that the band "Bass Against" exists until their song played over the credits, as I could have spent my time more valuably watching a video of their singer pissing on a fan on repeat instead of watching this film
Synopsis: We find a somewhat retired looking Rambo hunting for king cobras in the wild plains of Thailand and selling them to some creepy underground snake-fighting pen (as you do) when suddenly and without warning a gimpy bald guy asks him to lead him and his group of bible bashers into the midst of a war-torn Burma. Being the hot blooded, war seeking, wild action hero he is he dives right in like so many blood thirsty lunatics before him! No, not really. He tells the dude to fuck off but when his slightly prettier blonde girlfriend says "paaaweeeeeeeaaaaaaaase?" how can he refuse? Explosions and many many exploding blood-red bodies ensue!
Review: The perfect movie!
I kid you not. Rambo, as we all know, is an 80's action icon so there's two ways that a sequel this far away from the awesomely violent (non pg-13) blood curdling, foul mouthed action films of that era could go.
It could turn itself into a mock-up of itself and play to the inherent humor that lies underneath any super-macho action flick and end up with a bunch of stupid mumbling teens muttering that "Well it was fun but it wasn't as good as Hot Shots!". It would be hilarious and make millions! (And swiftly be forgotten about within a month of it's release)
Or Sly Stallone could say "Live to make an R-rated bloody, fucking serious motherfucker of a sequel, or die (Hard with a vengeance) for nothing!".And that he did!
Let's list the awesome things about this film
The film was filled with blood flying from every area of anyone's body that it could possibly splatter out from.
The "plot" and vague hint at any idea of a romance for John Rambo was short-lived and only served (rightfully so) as brief moments in between the carnage with which to catch your breath.
There were fucking gun fights. Not just gun fights, fucking gun fights. Never have I felt so invigorated when someone was blown into pieces than during some of the battles (Which were more like one sided massacres really)during this film!
Sometimes, after about a thousand people had been blown up, sliced, stabbed, shot or smashed they would play sad music to give you the sads thus making the movie deep - before getting right back to explosions and gun fights
It was only 90 minutes long! Definitely something lacking in the modern action flick is the film-makers ability to not jerk it off into a 2 - 2 1/2 hour fucking epic. Action films should be 90 minutes long and no longer! Any longer and it's a piece of trash trying to pass itself off as decent entertainment.
In Short: The only reason to not give this 5 smileys out of 5 is because there was dialogue in the film which frankly, brought me down.
Biggest Positive: The shakespearian quality the film has in that we, the audience, the observers are aware of the inevitability and the fate by which all the characters in the film will fall even before they, the characters, themselves could be aware of such. (i.e. you know whenever Rambo shows up some fucks are about to get their shit fucked up, son!)
Biggest Negative: Too much romance, not enough human killing.
Trivia: Before this film was filmed there, Burma was a neutral peace-loving country but the film's explosions and gun fights sparked off a civil war that has raged the country for the past 60 years. For this reason Sylvester Stallone was unjustly sought out and captured by the United Nations for crimes against humanity. A crime which he is only partly responsible for. He promptly escaped his maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find him, maybe you can hire Sylvester Stallone.
Cast: Jared Leto, Marlon Wayans, Ellen Burstyn, Jennifer Connelly
Synopsis: Drugs. Something about drugs.
Review: Having seen this film I realize that what I love most of all about Jared Leto is the fact that any film I've ever seen him in at some point ends up with him being fucked over severely, beaten to hell or viciously slaughtered with a hand axe.
In Short: That review wasn't short enough for you?
"I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the heroin that you have stolen."
Biggest Positive: I think I already went over the whole "Jared Leto gets fucked" thing.
Biggest Negative: I have seen more of Jennifer Connelly than I ever needed to see...
Trivia: This film was a 5 minute short film until they pulled an arty-director out to fill the film with weird close-ups of eyeballs and bizarre imagery that doesn't make sense.
Synopsis: A hipster goth-like musician and his girlfriend are killed in a brutal needless murder but luckily for goths everywhere a magical crow decided that it would be cool to bring back the lanky hippy from the dead to seek revenge on his killers (apparently every other horrific murder in history doesn't matter to the magical crow and only people who look cool in white make up and a trench coat can be brought back from the dead.). Madness ensues.
Review: For years random people have been astounded when I tell them I haven't ever seen The Crow. Their heads fall back on themselves, their eyes bug out and some have even melted into a pool of their own self-loathing right in front of me. The reason, I always assumed, is because I used to have long vaguely curly hair, wear a big ol' leather trench coat and could be found occasionally wearing dark make up and leaping from building to building seeking my revenge on criminal underworlds so it seemed like a surprise when I hadn't seen the movie on which it might have seemed I based my entire existence... or so I thought! Until at work, where I wear a uniform and am not allowed to wear make up or kill people, a co-worker who hasn't seen me out of work expressed the exact same exasperation that I "of all people" had not seen The Crow. Thinking there must be something to this I decided (Was given a copy of The Crow by said co-worker and told if I didn't watch it he'd hunt me down and kill me) to finally get around to watching The Crow.
Having now seen it I realize now that when people said that I "had to see The Crow" what they actually meant was "You look like an obnoxious prick who likes shitty vaguely dark over-hyped movies that are only popular because someone died during filming".
Bummer.
In Short: Between this and Reservoir Dogs I realize that when everybody in the world says you need to see a movie it actually means "This movie sucks but everyone likes it because it's edgy without being close enough to the edge to be interesting!"
Biggest Positive: Heath Ledger clearly took some notes from this film, threw out all the shit and amplified the few decent parts a billion times to play the Joker. Then he died too, so it goes to show you should never ever do anything to associate yourself with this film, ever.
Biggest Negative: The hype behind this film is it's hugest flaw. I hope my review paints a picture of a truly awful film so that if you haven't seen the film and you finally do you'll maybe finish saying "Well, it wasn't that bad..."
Trivia: In an inronic twist of fate, exactly one year after his death Brandon Lee was still dead.
Synopsis: Josh Brolin find a stash of money amongst a bunch of dead Mexican drug lords, meanwhile Javier Bardem is killing people with an air powered cattle-killy thing, meanwhile Tommy Lee Jones is mumbling incoherently about nothing in particular, meanwhile Kelly MacDonald is talking about something I can't quite listen to because I'm too busy thinking "You're Scottish. Where has your accent been in the last 2 films I've seen you in?", meanwhile I just discovered that the guy that played the Deputy Sherrif (Garret Dillahunt) was Krug in "The Last House On The Left" who incidentally, in that film not this one, looked a bit like Josh Brolin, who in the meantime is sort of meandering about his business trying to hide with the money while meanwhile, Javier Bardem kills more people. Somehow all these people's plots are all about the same thing in the same movie...
Review: Why is it that every Coen brothers film I've seen has a plot that if you were to tell it to someone (e.g. "There's Mexican drug lords and Josh Brolin steals their money after they all die in a mass shoot-out but Javier Bardem plays this guy who needs that money and will stop at nothing to kill everyone in his path to get to it! Then a hired assassin shows up to kill either Josh, Javier or both! And the cops are hot on Javier's trail the whole way but can't quite get him as he gets closer and closer to catching Josh Brolin!") they'd think the film would be full of car chases, epic gun battles and multiple budget-busting explosions (There is one in this film but it's hardly Bay-esque!) but in reality the Coen brothers tend to make the film just about a bunch of slightly eccentric ugly people saying weird shit?
In Short: Too much romance, not enough human killing
Biggest Positive: "Would you hold still, please, sir..."
Biggest Negative: Not enough on screen violence. Is that wrong?
Trivia: 50 people died of boredom in early screenings of this film so the Coen brothers has to trim a half-hour long sequence of Josh Brolin watching an entire episode of Jeoporday in real-time and complete silence.
Synopsis: A notorious film maker is striving to make the ultimate snuff film by killing a bunch of random people.
Review: What in the world was this film doing on a DVD collection of horror films I recently purchased? I mean, kudos to the film-maker. Not only does it seem like a fairly reasonable film of practice shots that I'm sure will serve him well if he ever makes a proper production, and fair play to him for managing to get it on any sort of official release in a foreign country (The film is from the U.K. and I'm in the U.S.) but really, this served as little more than inspiration for me to go out and make a horror film since apparently you can just film a bunch of people walking endlessly before eventually meeting their not-so-gory end in some fairly unrealistic death scenes, followed by another person walking endlessly before dying in a similar boring fashion and have it pass as a releasable work of art.
In Short: ...
Biggest Positive: The director must feel pretty fucking sweet that this got released
Biggest Negative: I don't.
Jason Impey's Website - he's the director and also plays the director in the film he directed about a director.
Trivia: Unlike other films I've given poor reviews to I might feel a pang of guilt of the director reads this...
Synopsis: An alien named Klaatu arrives on Earth spreading good will and cheer to all it's citizens until he realizes we're a bunch of assholes who deserve to die (Roughly two seconds after landing). Jennifer Connolly acts overly concerned about everything as per usual.
Review: All I'm going to say is that I shouldn't have listened to a single review I read about this film. All I heard about it was that firstly, it was too preachy and went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how much we're polluting and being evil to the world around us and it got glib and secondly, that the flying bug things were inconsistent - one minute rampaging through whole buildings and the next taking a tense amount of time to shatter glass. That second point seemed moot to me even reading reviews since this is sci-fi and if there wasn't gaping holes and inconsistencies it wouldn't be authentic but I assumed that either the reviewer was broken or that it was really bad in this film.
However these are lies! The film is in no way too preachy. It's message that "If the Earth dies, we die. If we die, the Earth lives." is, in my opinion, a basic fact. Whether we're going to choke the planet and most of the life on it to death in our lifetime or the next or the one after that is debatable but it's obvious we can't keep pumping shit into the air and water left and right without it damaging the Earth and we already see the effects of deforestation and pollution in the world today so frankly anyone who thought a film that had maybe three pieces of dialogue referring to how much of a bunch of scum-sucking fuck-cunts we all are for not giving a flying fuck about the world around us is "too preachy" can fuck off and die. What I translate these reviewers as saying is "I got uncomfortable with someone pointing out that we really do suck and probably should die to save the rest of the animals".
And the second point is less relevant. The reviewers who said this were being doubly broken because throughout the film when the stupid flying bug things (Which in themselves don't make much sense anyway so who cares if one thing they do is a little off?) tear through whole buildings in a second when there is a whole swarm of them and take ages to get through glass when there are so few of them that you can't even see them. I thought personally it was obvious being that when one was happening you could see stuff and when the other was happening you couldn't. I think that was a tricky way the film-makers went about making it blatantly fucking obvious what was going on and not being "inconsistent" like the foagy assed reviewers who all got up in this film's face about flaws in logic and preachy dialogue seem to believe, probably because they drive hummers to work and get free hand-outs and hand-jobs from rival studios who want to see Keanu Reeves fail!
Fuck you reviewers who hated this film! Fuck you all!
Having said all that, the film was kind of shitty - but not for the reasons anyone else said.
In Short: Watch this film with Al Gore and see if he thinks it's too preachy.
Biggest Positive: The slight change in Klaatu's demeanour from the original into being a fairly well-informed alien who doesn't get overwhelmed with compassion towards the human race in the way the original teatered on doing.
Biggest Negative: A film with Jennifer Connolly and no David Bowie is no film at all.
Trivia: Keanu Reeves modelled his performance in this film after a maniquin he saw in a Gap store front.
To see my review of the original 1951 version: The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)
And here's a pre-Review I did on my YouTube account before the film was released in cinemas:
Synopsis: I'm really not sure what happens in this film in spite of watching it in it's entirity only a few short hours ago...
Review: George Clooney's nuts and takes his shirt off, Brad Pitt's a crazy guy who, in spite of looking like a total douch-bag and dork-face, still looks hot, Frances MacDormand is quirky and says things like "Oh for Pete's sake!", John Malkovich gets all frustrated and swears at people (While in a floral dressing gown, holding a gun in one hand and a shot of liquor in the other), Tilda Swinton plays a stuck up bitch and J.K. Simmons once again plays an angry guy with a desk job.
What more could you need in a movie?
An automated sex dildo swing chair?
Done!
The perfect movie...
In Short: This review was already short...
Biggest Positive: Doesn't stop to let you cease being entertained from start to finish
Biggest Negative: I'll probably forget it existed and confuse it with a bunch of Wes Anderson and Spike Jonez films after a couple of months
Trivia: I was going to see this at the cinema when it came out but when I read my ticket stub I burned it afterwards (obviously), and so was refused entry. I set fire to the DVD Sleeve when it arrived in the mail today but fortunately my wife wrestled the DVD itself into the player before I had a chance to read the cover. My attempts at setting fire to my TV screen were fruitless.
Synopsis: A couple makes plans to spend a romantic weekend away but have it turned into a blood filled horror-fest when a bunch of Neds (Chavs, Townies, whatever) start stalking and attacking them.
Review: This is one of few horror films that genuinely scared me somewhat in recent years, especially since it didn't involve the things which usually scare me: Rape sequences, killing animals or German people. But this managed to do it!
Probably because I know that somewhere out there, there are little fucker Ned shitheads who might pull this shit off if you spilled their White Lightning on their bright white kappas. So I knew what the poor bastards in the film were going through...
Highly recommended film for all the family!
In Short: I have never been so glad to be now living in a country without Neds in my life!
Biggest Positive: Genuinely fearful! Managing to scared of something that could happen and not something that only maybe possibly, but probably wouldn't ever, happen.
Biggest Negative: Neds are really fucking annoying and since the film's about them they're quite prevalant.
Cast: Jennifer Carpenter, Steve Harris, Jay Hernandez, That guy from Ally McBeal
Synopsis: What happens when you trap a group of people in an inner-city building without explanation and let wild zombie folks tear them to pieces? You get the intro to Dawn Of The Dead, I guess... but what if those folks aren't zombies and are actually rabid crazies? I guess that's 28 Days Later... yeah well, what if the rabies is fast acting and randomly makes people want to bite and eat each other? That's still 28 Days Later I guess... well okay, but what if there was a trendy "nightvision" shot where the viewer is the only one that knows what's going on? That's just 28 Weeks Later now, huh? Well fuck, what if the whole thing was shot on amazing(ly annoying) SHAKY-CAM-VISION! Now you've got Quarantine!
Review: Blah blah blah stuck in building, blah blah blah rabies, blah blah zombie film without the zombies. That's pretty much the gist of this film. That may sound like a derogatory review but believe me that leads to a pretty half-way decent flick! A lot of blood, a bunch of death (some particularly nasty falls and smashes actually) and some decent action sequences. The shaky-cam isn't too bad, since this film establishes the professionalism of the man behind the camera and thereby giving the film-maker a way to not make it suck to be "authentic" although it is wholly unnecessary and doesn't really achieve anything that couldn't have been achieved by just filming the movie like they weren't pretentious fuckers. Some slight problems with consistencies though in that the, for example, the virus spreads to it's victims in a matter of minutes. In minutes or less the victim is a foaming maniac, hell-bent on biting other people's faces suddenly... except for one character who is infected for hours before any symptoms kick in (Just at the right moment!) because it worked better for the "plot".
Another example, the victims seem to attack on site (Though not each other, go figure!) all through the movie until at one point it makes for a more "tense" moment if the victim waits until the person slo-o-o-o-o-owly turns around checking all their surroundings before finally facing them to attack... I guess these rabid brainless fucktards have a sense of dynamic tension! Must be part of the lesser prevalent side-effects...
Also a word of advice to anyone caught in the situation the characters find themselves in the end of the film (Stuck in a dark room with a rabid half-naked granny-looking thing chucking pots and pans everywhere while you are armed with a camera with night vision - happens all the time to me), don't just sit there and film the cowering girl next to you ignoring where the crazy rabid bitch is! Instead, maybe try using your advantage (seeing in the pitch black) to beat the un-living shit out of the foaming cunt! And instead of just hoping that for some reason while the bitch is tearing everything in the room apart without exception because she's a few olives short of a greek salad she'll somehow just coincidentally pass over the corner of the room where the two of you are shivering to yourselves if you "just keep quiet", why not try moving your stupid asses out of there? Hey, you know what else was "just keeping quiet"? THE WHOLE FUCKING ROOM FULL OF INANIMATE OBJECTS THAT SOME MENTAL PATIENT IS CURRENTLY TEARING APART WITH NO SENSE OF LOGIC OR THOUGHT! So maybe, just maybe, sitting quietly with your fucking camera on (I'm sure that thing has a little red light like every other one on the planet) you should get off your stupid asses and do something? Just a thought...
Besides annoyingly convenient plot devices, pointless shaky-cam-o-vision and the fact that it's a remake (Hiss!) this film is probably worth watching though. If you have an unlimited rental service like NetFlix (Or Shareaza, pow!). And if you don't have anything else in your queue you could be watching. And if nothing good's on TV. And if you don't mind unoriginal films. And if you suck.
Seriously, the film wasn't that bad. Here's a trailer for [REC] though (The film this was a remake of)
Biggest Positive: Well devised (I feel [rec] gets that credit though) and, towards the end starts to actually build up the tension you waited through the rest of the movie expecting to get in abundance.
Biggest Negative: The unnecessary Shaky Cam... it's been overused lately and unlike this, Cloverfield and Diary Of The Dead both had reasons to be using that effect...
Cast: Amanda Righetti, Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Travis Van Winkle, Derek Mears
Synopsis: Watch Friday the 13th parts I - III, mix them together and sprinkle in some Texas Chainsaw Massacre part 2. Take away any logic behind the character Jason Voorhees (i.e. that he's a giant musclebound mass of non-thinking killing machine and not some elaborate trap-setting mechanical engineer who one minute is carefully setting up complex alarm systems, well laid traps and training himself to be a perfect archer but the next minute is retarded enough to believe some random chick is his dead mom that he saw beheaded as a child) and turn it into a choppily editted, poorly directed mash-up mess of a movie and you have the basic premise behind this "remake" of Friday the 13th
Review: What has been seen, cannot be unseen.
In Short: I know if you're reading this that, like me, you can't resist the urge to go see this film but please take my advice, when you go drink a lot of beer and/or bring with you a healthy "shout at screen" attitude (Kudos to the guy who, when told to "shut the fuck up" by a fellow movie-goer, promptly yelled "Ooooh sorry! We might not be able to follow the intricate plot! Oh Shhh! What's Jason going to say?"). If you;re not prepared to see a pile of trash you'll only be sickened to your core
Biggest Positive: Some of the kills, the ones that were done in one continuous shot (e.g. the one under the pier) or at least weren't cut all over the place in the edit were pretty cool
Biggest Negative: The fact that the film exists at all.
Cast: Christina Ricci, Jesse Eisenberg, Joshua Jackson, Judy Greer
Synopsis: A string of bizarre animal attacks ravages Los Angelese with bodies showing up torn in two and ripped to shreds (Don't get too excited though, the film was PG-13 most of the way through). Christina Ricci and her dorky brother, Eisenberg are two siblings who manage to escape the clutches of the animal with only a few scratches but as it turns out (surprise!) that only leaves them CURSED. Soon they're discovering that they're slowly turning into vicious snarling beasts - hilarity ensues! I mean... horror ensues. This isn't Teen Wolf...
Review: I am so very glad that I didn't know this was directed by Wes Craven till after it was over because I feel it may have inadvertantly altered my view of the film in a negative way - not that I have anything against Craven but it might have set my expectations a little higher. As it was though this was a reasonable enough film, entertaining with an easy to follow yet not too boring plot - much like any other werewolf movie ever made. It was PG-13 though, which I fully understand since the whole film seemed much more geared towards a teen audience but I would far rather have seen a lot more gore in a movie with such seemingly savage beasts (A note - in the DVD extras the Film Editor claims that the DVD version I watched is actually rated R and it was only PG-13 in theaters but it's still extremely tame and personally I wouldn't have rated it above PG-13 if I were in the MPAA which I'm not so I'll shut up now). As far as the creature effects go they aren't too bad and even though it's blatantly obvious that the werewolf is nothing but a mechanical costume that is one billion times better than when you watch a film and it's obvious that it's CGI effects - I'd far rather laugh at a silly costume than lame computer effects - and the gore that there is in the film is pretty well done, so hats off there.
"You made me taste my own corn syrup..."
In short, the film was reasonable for what it is but is a far cry from being any sort of definitive or even terribly memorable werewolf movie.
Also it's a bad sign when the special features on the DVD are more entertaining than the film itself... just saying!
In Short:
Biggest Positive: They managed to not do a cheesy "Time of the month" joke!
Biggest Negative: PG-13! Fuck that shit.
- (That's harsh! I want to give this film 3 smiley's but I can't bring myself to do it...)
Cast: James Marsden, Katie Holmes, Tobias Mehler, William Sadler Synopsis: In Disturbing Behavior we follow Cyclops from the X-men (I'm telling you that so you don't spend the entire movie thinking "Where do I recognize that chin from?" like I did) as he moves to Cradle Bay Island where John Connor (From Terminator 3, so not the real John Connor from Terminator 2 or the really fucking angry, unprofessional, "ADEDADEDA" John Connor from Terminator 4) is the resident weirdo along with Katie Holmes (prior to her reprogramming by Tom Cruise) and everyone else is some sort of whacked out zombie frat boy.
Spoiler Alert: You're reading a review of a film I've seen. I'm going to talk about that film and therefor will talk about things that happen in it. Therefor, spoilers will lay ahead. Big ones. With sharp teeth.
Review: This film is a deep exploration of the isolation felt not only by "the new kid in town" (Cyclops) but also by the outcasts of society (Pre-Cyborg Holmes and Reject-Connor) when the popular kids begin to lure the underclass into their midst with temptations of such wonders as blue sweaters and... stuff? Anyway turns out the whole thing os being carefully orchestrated by the football coach or something, using mind controlling drugs to alter kids perceptions and get them to do their bidding. It's a brilliant take on society with the coach representing all authority figures who constantly barrage our modern society with their controller devices. The drugs in this case are a metaphor for the educational vices that most of us grow up in school being forced to accept in order to fit into the norms of society, in this case represented by the mysterious frat-boy zombie types and as demonstrated by Reject-Connor when he finally submits and joins the frat boys. We are forced to believe, by our preconceptions of society and how we believe it is that Reject-Connor will eventually turn around and be as he was but the fact that he does not is representative not of some deep evil force controlling our minds but merely of growing up. The film is littered with subtle, hard to catch, references to such pieces of work as Clockwork Orange, 1984 and Slaughterhouse 5, as well as social references to a soviet-era Russia. It may take you a couple of watches to really get how deep this film was but believe me it's absolutely worth at least 3 or 4 views to really catch all the subtleties through...
Oh who the fuck am I kidding?
This film was a filthy piece of 90's era Scream-Wannabe trash littered with shit alterna-rock, stereotypical teenage characters you want to choke and the worst acting I've ever seen a man with such a prominent chin ever perform.
More and more movies are proving to me lately that just having zombies in your film does not in any way mean it's not going to be a steaming pile of turd...
Days Of Darkness is exactly the kind of zombie film that makes you want to hurl chunks. The acting is practically non-existent from the start and the characters are so detestable that there isn't a moment when you don't just want them all to throw themselves over the fence and be eaten alive, preferably five minutes into the film so you don't need to go on watching this fucking nonsense...
Whatever you do with your life, don't make it watching this film. It is an utter waste of time. There are (very few) moments that are reasonable including some semi-decent gore but these are surrounded by an ocean of pointless speeches, explanations and melodrama. I mean it takes about fifteen minutes of really boring "group discussions" for the characters to figure out that the comet (that we see in the opening sequence hurtling towards Earth) is the cause of all this! Fine, the characters didn't see the connection but since the audience is already fully aware there is no need for the characters to spend more than a few seconds figuring this out - it's just plain boring! Have a character who saw the comet crash who can quickly inform everyone - have the characters already figure it out before we join them - have them hear it on an emergency broadcast - SOMETHING! But for God's sake don't make us sit through the tedium of them working it out... And why is it that the zombie infection infects men's testicles and virgin girls? Original Idea: Yes Necessary: No Better Film Without It: Yes! Yes! Yes!
It did make for some gross moments though which frankly were almost the only thing this film had going for it... Almost...
You see in the last five minutes of the film (I'm talking about the end of the film, in case it wasn't obvious there is going to be a spoiler or two here) they discover that the reason all the assholes in the picture above weren't infected when the comet struck is because they were all drunk at the time and the infecting parasite hates alcohol filled blood!
Genius!
You see, what this means is all they have to do is get trashed to be able to fight of the zombies and avoid infection! Unfortunately this all transpires in the last five minutes or so of the film with just enough time for the credits to roll as the only awesome scene in the film goes on: The two main characters swigging at a giant jug of whiskey as they blow away zombies, laughing their asses off and waving shotguns around!
Then the film ends. 90 minutes of shit for 5 seconds of awesome? FAIL!
This film had the potential to be the zombie equivalent of the drunken master! Imagine a zombie film where the only way to survive was to be pissed out your head?
A brilliant idea, sadly lost because someone thought it was a better idea to do the same thing every other low-budget zombie film in history has ever done. Except worse.
I might have given this film 2 out of 5 for gore but I'm giving it one because it took a good idea and fucked it in the ass.
Days Of Darkness's Website - it has "Kids Can Write" in the url. If this film was written by Kindergartners then I applaud them and it would totally explain it's existence.
If you like loud obnoxious metal music, gay CG explosions, "heroes" who are drunken lay-about sleaze mongers who have absolutely none of the characteristics that make us feel empathy and/or sympathy towards them and villains who seem to have no world-conquering motive then you'll love Iron Man!
Seriously... is it just me or is part of what make the great superheroes great the fact that we can relate to them on some level? Even the high and mighty billionaire Bruce Wayne has an extreme vulnerability that makes us side with him when he's battling villains but this Tony Stark prick has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever!
Sure, it makes him suave, cool and "macho" but it also makes him a gormless fool who I frankly was hoping was going to be blown up in the opening moments of the movie. He'd probably have made a good bad guy for Spider-man, actually! I'd have been on his side then, if the drunken fuck-headed Tony Stark was battling it out with the Amazing Spider-man then maybe I could have been like "That Iron Man kicks ASS man!" but I'd probably just have been hoping that he was played by Willem Dafoe.
In short, Tony Stark/Iron Man was a hero for people who don't really like super heroes, in my opinion. He was a sort of "Die Hard" action hero character who, in that setting, we can all side with because he's bad-ass, doesn't give a fuck and doesn't stop till all the bad guys are dead and everything around them has blown up.
So let me add to my opening statement:
If you like piss-poor heavy metal, dumb-ass explosion-riddled battle sequences, alcoholic dead-beat heroes and you don't actually like super hero movies, you'll love Iron Man.
And if anyone tells you this film was better than The Dark Knight (Especially if the person telling you is Robert Downey Junior) then kick them hard in the nuts.
Think "Black Sheep without the comic element". In spite of this film involving, essentially, killer cows do not be fooled into thinking this might in some way be a humorous horror-comedy like Black Sheep was. Thankfully the back cover to the film tells you nothing of killer cows or people slipping into piles of shit that might make you think the film had some slapstick moments so I wasn't expecting anything funny but after reading this review and hearing about it you might be, in which case - mission accomplished!
Seriously though, this film is pretty good in a gruesome kind of way... the plot is fairly sub-standard - genetic experiments gone wrong - but the film makes up for it by having a fair amount of grizzly gore (Very little of it inflicted on humans though, I'm afraid). Before seeing this film I never thought I'd see so many people squash fetus' with the butts of guns, crawl through, fall in, wade through and fall into piles of cow shit constantly. I feel like this film wins some sort of record for "Most amount of cow shit used on a film".
I hope it was all real cow shit. That would make the film seem just that much more enjoyable.
Anyway, we got this film from the Previously Viewed Bin at the Video King for like $3, along with a pile of other horror films we've never heard of and this one has at least proved (Not that this needed proving to me) that just because you've never heard of a film doesn't mean it isn't worth watching. I somehow doubt all the films we bought are going to be as watchable though so maybe we started out with the one that's going to make all the others seem like absolute piles of turd by comparison... we'll see...
I fell asleep almost as soon as this started (Due to tiredness, not boredom) and for some reason I feel that was probably for the better This seemed to be essentially "Pinhead In Space!", which seems rather corny and worth missing to me...
I was rather surprised to learn this is only the fourth in the series though and not "Hellraiser Part 56: We've Really Ran Out Of Ideas"
I wonder if they'll ever make "Freddy In Space"!
(This rating is a complete guess and possibly is giving the film the benefit of the doubt)
