Bob's Burgers: The Movie

Cast: Dan Mintz, H. Jon Benjamin, Kristen Schaal

Synopsis: The Belcher family tries to save the restaurant from a sinkhole, meanwhile the kids solve a mystery, meanwhile yes there's music, meanwhile MURDER.

Review: This very evening I must slaughter a rooster in my care because we named him "Trump". Also, he keeps attacking people but mostly his shitty name. Either way excuse me if instead of writing a review I give "killing a rooster with a stick" a quick google, a'ight?

In Short: There's a product named the "Hopper Popper" that humanely kills rabbits which works on chickens too but there's nothing humane about giving a murder device a cutesie name.

Trivia: It's Bob's Burgers, ya dolt. If you like Bob's Burgers then watch the film, if not, don't. What do you need a review for?

Biggest Positive: Thank the Lord that yes, it's a musical.

Biggest Negative: The impending collapse of all existence for little Trump.

Rating: 4/5

The Matrix Resurrections

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss

Synopsis: In a wild distopian future, Keanu Reeves stars as a man trapped in a world in which The Matrix films have become self aware - determined to crawl so far up their own ass that they transform into an Ouroboros, hell bent on destroying an already ruined franchise of movies.

Review: If you find yourself scrolling through HBO and think "Hey wow, this movie just came out!" And don't realize it likely means the film isn't as good as it looked like it'd be, then congratulations, you've fallen into what I'm dubbing The Batman-Matrix trap! 

Two unnecessary reboots to movies that have already been overdone.

Two actors who aren't great but who are both for unknown reasons, unquestionably charmismatic (I won't ever not watch a Reeves or Pattinson movie and not feel good about it).

Two movies filled with folks who should be doing better but who fuck it, deserve a pay check (Looking at you Dano/Harris)

I'm not certain The Batman and The Matrix Resurrections aren't the same movie and it's just a glitch in the simulation we all live in that's made them appear seperate.

In Short: Todo List: 

1. Watch the first 30 minutes of this movie

2. Ponder movie makers choice to not use therapy scene where Keanu and Neil Patrick Harris basically circle jerk around the idea of a reboot to the Matrix trilogy as a trailer

3. Realize that would have set expectations too high

4. Cancel HBO Max subscription and burn all records that you ever had it

Trivia: Keanu's role in this movie has finally alleviated his debt to The Deep Ones and will have his soul returned to him by next Tuesday

Biggest Positive: Neil Patrick Harris' glasses

Biggest Negative: I regret not finding out that the band "Bass Against" exists until their song played over the credits, as I could have spent my time more valuably watching a video of their singer pissing on a fan on repeat instead of watching this film

Bass Against - Wake Up

Rating: 3/5

Judas and the Black Messiah

Cast: Daniel Kaluuya, LaKeith Stanfield, Jesse Plemons

Synopsis: Darius from Atlanta fucked up.

Review: Why did I stop writing nonsensical movie reviews on here for every movie I watch even if they don't relate to the movie and make no sense?

I dunno, good question.

Judas and the Black Messiah gets 5 out of 5.

Biggest Positive: I learned another heart breaking piece of U.S. history which I was only vaguely aware of.

Biggest Negative: I learned another heart breaking piece of U.S. history which I was only vaguely aware of.

Trivia: To prepare for the role, LaKeith actually travelled through time to infiltrate the real Black Panthers of the time.

Rating: 5/5