Saturday, September 29, 2007

Halloween III

Hey, did you know this film shares nothing in common with the rest of the Halloween series (the ones I've seen so far anyway) at all? Because I sure didn't...
Becky and I have a plan to watch all the Halloween films before Halloween since we've only seen the first 2 (first 3 now) so we got this little gem off NetFlix. She knew it was the most mocked one in the series but I'm not sure she knew why...
So, this film does not have Michael Myers in it.
It does not have Jamie Lee Curtis in it (except a brief phone message cameo, maybe)
It does not follow the plot of the previous two movies
In fact, the only things linking this to the first two Halloween movies are:
  • It's title
  • It has a clip from the first Halloween in it on TV

Yes, that's right, the plot of this movie is so far removed from the original Halloween that the original Halloween can be seen to be a work of fiction even within it.
Did some idiot director think "Hey, the first Friday the 13th didn't even have Jason in it, maybe I can make a Halloween sequel that not only doesn't have Michael Myers in it but has absolutely no relation to it's predecessors!" or is it a case of a writer who had an idea for a story but when he went to a production company the following conversation happened:

Writer: I have an idea for a movie! It takes place on Halloween...

Producer: Great! We're looking for a sequel to Halloween!

Writer: No... uh... my movie is only based on the day Halloween, not the movie...

Producer: I'm pretty sure that makes it a sequel...

Writer: But my movie is called "Revenge Of The Irish Mobsters Who Sell Cryptic Masks To People And Send Weird Men In Plain Suits To Kill People And Spark An Investigation By An Alcoholic Doctor And A Dipshit Looking Girl"?

Producer: Sounds like a subtitle. How does "Halloween III" sound?

Writer: Well... I guess... as long as it's still a subtitle...

Producer: Yes, but instead of "Revenge Of The Irish Mobsters Who Sell Cryptic Masks To People And Send Weird Men In Plain Suits To Kill People And Spark An Investigation By An Alcoholic Doctor And A Dipshit Looking Girl", we'll call it"Season Of The Witch"!

Writer: What?

Seriously! If this movie has been a standalone movie, it would have been poor. But as a sequel to Halloween, it's a real fucking disaster.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Snake People

If you haven't seen Snake People then you haven't lived!

There's a line in the remake of the Hills Have Eyes (sorry to keep harping on about that film, but whatever!) that goes something like: "I think Freud would have a few things to say about your fascination with snakes!", and there's a good 20 minutes of continuous footage and about an hours worth of overall footage in this film that really makes you think the same thing about the director of this film... it's hardly implied either... at first there's a woman in her bed and some deranged midget voodoo guy comes in brandishing a snake and an idiotic grin, his assistant with the dumb hair removes the woman's top, and presumably all her clothes.
The midgets at the foot of her bed with the snake, then we cut to the woman's face and... is she making "that" kind of face?... surely not!
At this point you think, well... that was implied and harmless. In fact you almost curse the director for not having the balls to imply it a little more, and at least turn this film into a really grizzly film that's difficult to watch...
But then we're whisked away into some dream world where the woman wakes up to find her evil twin is there brandishing (and stroking) an enormous snake, as she clutches it towards her face like... well... you know

The woman is horrified by this and makes a run for it only to be encountered by her evil twin, only this time she's holding the snakes head in her mouth... uhh... awkward?

Then she has it tied around her waist and is holding out it's head like...well... you know

There's still no nudity though! So... well done on managing to make a long drawn out porn sequence without actually showing anything at all, I guess?

I'm supposing that this sequence was some sort of arty way of reflecting the innocent character's inner turmoil as she struggles with her own deep seeded desires and urges, will she continue to run from the penis, I mean snake, or embrace it?
And by embrace it I mean start making out with her own evil twin?!


Seriously, then we see the main character (who I swear sounded Spanish right up until the last 5 minutes when he became French, but there was some plot going on that might have implied he had to pretend to be French... even though everyone on the island knew him... uh...) and he's just waking up to find what else but a snake in his bed and all the while you're thinking "Is this going to turn into homo-erotic snake non-porn???" as he looks fearful at this snake that keeps manifesting itself... but before the guy has any disturbing dream sequences the director shows his closet homophobic nature by whisking us away to a scene where a zombie lady is seducing a man at the bar...

Oh yeah! This film was about zombies, what was all that snake nonsense then, Mr Director?

And who told him that he should even try and make zombies hot? It's a well established fact that one of the key things about zombies is that they are never ever hot. No matter how Return Of The Living Dead tries to spin it.

Worth noting: there were only a few moments where I could really tell this film was poorly dubbed, so... well done there

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Cannibal: The Musical

I just finished watching...
... and it was just as awesome as I remember it being!

Cannibal: The Musical's Website

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


It's about time I reviewed this

I wasn't expecting much from this film, it's not really the kind of film I tend to hold in too high a regard but I was expecting at least was epic battles and gimpy epic lines, which this film delivered to some degree. However, in all honesty, I felt it was too short... seriously, when I think 300, I was expecting something so epically engaging that it would be a three hour long battle sequence with about 15 minutes of plot! When I saw the cover, and saw it wasn't even 2 hours long I was seriously dissapointed! (It was like the reverse feeling from when I looked at King Kong's runtime)

Anyway, so no big deal, they surely just cut out the plot and opted for (almost) 2 hours of straight battle?

I wish!

Unfortunately it seems the film had some unnecessary plot, love story, struggle and some sort of glorious message to tell. It seemed to imply that if it weren't for this raving band of closet homosexuals the world would be without all that I hold dear today, too. Interesting perspective on life Mr Snyder, but couldn't we have gotten Michael Bay to direct this film? No substance, all action, slow motion sequences and just make sure he knows he's not aiming for PG-13 this time so he remembers not to leave out the blood!

Actually scratch that... the fight with all the explosions in 300 was the least enjoyable, and Michael Bay would only amplify that... and set the whole thing in space...
Ok ok, so Michael Bay would have made this film worse but the point is that what I wanted from this film was non-stop blood, gore, screaming, fighting and such as... Africa and the Iraq and such as...

What I got was some of that with a bunch of jibba-jabba in the middle that I couldn't hear because my brain was set to All-Gore-Mode (not Al-Gore-Mode) and I couldn't respond to English.

And don't even get me started on the historcal innacuracies!!!

Mainly because I have no idea what they are...

The 300 At Yahoo! Movies

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


Fracture brings to my attention the fact that the more reviews I do, the more likely it is that I'll have to point out which Fracture I'm talking about, since there is seemingly about 4 dozen of them... however I know nothing of these other ones so I'm unsure how to accurately seperate the Fracture I saw from these ones except to say that the Fracture I'm reviewing had Anthony Hopkins in it... but what if the other ones did too? I'm forever at a loss... whichever Fracture you're thinking of right now, this review is for it.
Umm... damn, I've forgotten what I was going to say now

Fracture's Website (Detailing which film it is I'm talking about)

Cabin Fever

The only problem with Cabin Fever is that Eli Roth directed it!
No, I don't mean it sucked... I liked it.

No! Seriously I thought it was a good film, I was merely trying to...

No hold on I just felt that if I didn't
know that Eli...
No, I'm
not saying the film sucked on every level!

Yes.... yes, I'm aware that Mr Roth was in the film too... yes, I thought that was extraordinarily lame too but...
No, just listen for a second, that doesn't mean I thought the whole film sucked!!

No it doesn't, man!
Look... I was just trying to say... wait, where are you going!?

Alright fine, fuck you too...

Cabin Fever's Website