Repo! The Genetic Opera

Cast: Alex Vega, Anthony Stewart Head, Paris Hilton, Paul Sorvino


Synopsis: In a dark future where organ transplants have become both a necessity and a fashion accessory, a corrupt government legalizes the repossession of organs by those people who can't make their payments to the ever twisted GeneCo. the proclaimed 'Savior of Humanity'. The grizzly fate of harvesting people's organs is left to one man - The Repo Man. Who has his own unforgiving tale to tell... and for some bizarre reason everyone in the future sings all the time about every single thing ever.


Review: WTF?


Biggest Positive: As far as original ideas for films go they don't come much better than this, both the plot and the concept are fairly original at least in cinema these days...


Biggest Negative: After not too long it does get a little bit grating hearing people sing about everything. I mean, everything. The weather. Breakfast. (I know, I know, it's an opera what did I expect? I'm just saying - maybe I'm not an opera-guy)

Trivia: This film was nominated for five hundred Oscars including 'Best Operatic Piece Starring Paris Hilton Based In A Neon-Dark Future'

Repo! The Genetic Opera's website

Plan 9 From Outer Space (RiffTrax Special Event)

Cast: Some dudes from RiffTrax and 3 Different Bela Lugosi's.


Synopsis: RiffTrax is a format in which you pay money to watch an incredibly bad movie while three guys talk over it making snarky comments. Plan 9 From Outer Space is basically the worst movie ever and the commentary is therefore about 57.6% more snarky than usual. Why do grown well-thinking people spend money to watch something awful while some weird people ruin the movie, you ask? Well, I guess you have to be there...

Review: Can I really review this? I mean, do I review the film itself or do I review the RiffTrax guys commentary on it? Do I review the surprise appearance by Mr. Jonathan Coulton? Or do I review the amazingly awful (in a good way) 'sponsor' videos from Something Awful? Or do I just ask a bunch of questions about who I should review and not actually really say a damn thing about it?

Yeah, that sounds good.


In Short: RiffTrax are awesome and, while I wish they were still using little robot puppets to make their commentary, they are still it seems equally as amusing as MST3K. We recently purchased their RiffTrax DVD release for Night Of The Living Dead, so you can look forward to a review of that as griping and informative as this one.


Biggest Positive: All things of the evening combined (The audience, the movie, the slightly confusing yet mildly intriguing 'O' faces Jonathan Coulton makes when he reaches high notes), I basically felt like I was right in the middle of "Giant Nerd-Fest 2009".


Biggest Negative: All things of the evening combined (The audience, the movie, the way that a nose flute has never been so masterfully used during a screening of an Ed Wood movie - at least this year), I basically felt like I was right in the middle of "Giant Nerd-Fest 2009".


Trivia: Bela Lugosi is still alive and living in the back of your fridge behind that potatoe salad you just won't throw away.




www.rifftrax.com/

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connolly 

Synopsis: An alien named Klaatu arrives on Earth spreading good will and cheer to all it's citizens until he realizes we're a bunch of assholes who deserve to die (Roughly two seconds after landing). Jennifer Connolly acts overly concerned about everything as per usual. 

Review: All I'm going to say is that I shouldn't have listened to a single review I read about this film. All I heard about it was that firstly, it was too preachy and went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how much we're polluting and being evil to the world around us and it got glib and secondly, that the flying bug things were inconsistent - one minute rampaging through whole buildings and the next taking a tense amount of time to shatter glass. That second point seemed moot to me even reading reviews since this is sci-fi and if there wasn't gaping holes and inconsistencies it wouldn't be authentic but I assumed that either the reviewer was broken or that it was really bad in this film. However these are lies! The film is in no way too preachy. It's message that "If the Earth dies, we die. If we die, the Earth lives." is, in my opinion, a basic fact. Whether we're going to choke the planet and most of the life on it to death in our lifetime or the next or the one after that is debatable but it's obvious we can't keep pumping shit into the air and water left and right without it damaging the Earth and we already see the effects of deforestation and pollution in the world today so frankly anyone who thought a film that had maybe three pieces of dialogue referring to how much of a bunch of scum-sucking fuck-cunts we all are for not giving a flying fuck about the world around us is "too preachy" can fuck off and die. What I translate these reviewers as saying is "I got uncomfortable with someone pointing out that we really do suck and probably should die to save the rest of the animals". And the second point is less relevant. The reviewers who said this were being doubly broken because throughout the film when the stupid flying bug things (Which in themselves don't make much sense anyway so who cares if one thing they do is a little off?) tear through whole buildings in a second when there is a whole swarm of them and take ages to get through glass when there are so few of them that you can't even see them. I thought personally it was obvious being that when one was happening you could see stuff and when the other was happening you couldn't. I think that was a tricky way the film-makers went about making it blatantly fucking obvious what was going on and not being "inconsistent" like the foagy assed reviewers who all got up in this film's face about flaws in logic and preachy dialogue seem to believe, probably because they drive hummers to work and get free hand-outs and hand-jobs from rival studios who want to see Keanu Reeves fail! Fuck you reviewers who hated this film! Fuck you all! Having said all that, the film was kind of shitty - but not for the reasons anyone else said. 

  In Short: Watch this film with Al Gore and see if he thinks it's too preachy. 

  Biggest Positive: The slight change in Klaatu's demeanour from the original into being a fairly well-informed alien who doesn't get overwhelmed with compassion towards the human race in the way the original teatered on doing. 

  Biggest Negative: A film with Jennifer Connolly and no David Bowie is no film at all. 

  The Day The Earth Stood Still's preachy inconsistent website 

  Trivia: Keanu Reeves modelled his performance in this film after a maniquin he saw in a Gap store front. To see my review of the original 1951 version: The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) And here's a pre-Review I did on my YouTube account before the film was released in cinemas:

Iron Man

If you like loud obnoxious metal music, gay CG explosions, "heroes" who are drunken lay-about sleaze mongers who have absolutely none of the characteristics that make us feel empathy and/or sympathy towards them and villains who seem to have no world-conquering motive then you'll love Iron Man!


Seriously... is it just me or is part of what make the great superheroes great the fact that we can relate to them on some level? Even the high and mighty billionaire Bruce Wayne has an extreme vulnerability that makes us side with him when he's battling villains but this Tony Stark prick has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever!

Sure, it makes him suave, cool and "macho" but it also makes him a gormless fool who I frankly was hoping was going to be blown up in the opening moments of the movie. He'd probably have made a good bad guy for Spider-man, actually! I'd have been on his side then, if the drunken fuck-headed Tony Stark was battling it out with the Amazing Spider-man then maybe I could have been like "That Iron Man kicks ASS man!" but I'd probably just have been hoping that he was played by Willem Dafoe.

In short, Tony Stark/Iron Man was a hero for people who don't really like super heroes, in my opinion. He was a sort of "Die Hard" action hero character who, in that setting, we can all side with because he's bad-ass, doesn't give a fuck and doesn't stop till all the bad guys are dead and everything around them has blown up.

So let me add to my opening statement:

If you like piss-poor heavy metal, dumb-ass explosion-riddled battle sequences, alcoholic dead-beat heroes and you don't actually like super hero movies, you'll love Iron Man.

And if anyone tells you this film was better than The Dark Knight (Especially if the person telling you is Robert Downey Junior) then kick them hard in the nuts.

Jason X

Fuck this film.

Hellraiser: Bloodline

I fell asleep almost as soon as this started (Due to tiredness, not boredom) and for some reason I feel that was probably for the better
This seemed to be essentially "Pinhead In Space!", which seems rather corny and worth missing to me...

I was rather surprised to learn this is only the fourth in the series though and not "Hellraiser Part 56: We've Really Ran Out Of Ideas"

I wonder if they'll ever make "Freddy In Space"!

(This rating is a complete guess and possibly is giving the film the benefit of the doubt)

A Review By Someone Who Stayed Awake

The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)

I must admit that when I decided to watch this for the first time over the weekend I felt I was in for a bit of a laugh fest (ala War Of The Robots), but what I got was a well acted and thought provoking little film about a lovable alien coming to Earth with threats to annihilate us all. But in a nice way!

The special effects, though obviously dated somewhat, struck me as being relatively believable.
I was thoroughly impressed and it actually made me look forward to the new version, starring Keanu Reeves, a little more than I already was. I'm just sort of curious as to how they pan it out as it seems from the trailer that Keanu comes to Earth with a much more threatening position than the lovable Klaatu played by Michael Rennie who just doesn't seem to want to scowl at all.


Anyway, the facvt is I only reviewed this to try and snatch some gullible fools looking for The Day The Earth Stood Still reviews!

Gwahahahahahahahaha!

No, really, I did watch it though

That's me, rambling about the remake

The Day The Earth Stood Still's Wikipedia Page

Next

If I wanted to see a dumb movie that should have been an episode of "Fringe" at best or a creepy science fiction thriller at worst but instead was turned into a cheesy action flick starring Julianne Moore as a unconvincingly harsh FBI Agent and Nicolas Cage as a balding has-been who creeps on the younger ladies (It was quite the stretch for Mr. Cage to play that role let me tell you!) then... well I guess I'd watch this movie again...In Next a bunch of stuff happens but then Nicolas Cage sees it's going to happen and stops it happening so it doesn't happen anymore. He doesn't see himself fixing it though until he does, then when he does, if he doesn't like the way things turned out he can not do it that way too...

An interesting directorial note for this movie; At any point in the movie in which Nicolas Cage is in a scene, if you skip ahead two minutes and keep doing that over and over, you'll find you're at the end of the movie and you just saved yourself 96 minutes of wasted time watching an inane waste of cinema reel.



Next Movie Website

The Butterfly Effect

We recently had the good fortune to find The Butterfly Effect for $1 on VHS on the bargain racks at a Video Store recently...


... a movie which is easily worth at least one and a half times that amount! Score!

The Butterfly Effect is a movie I've seen a few times and is by far one of the best time-travel based movies there is (Just below Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure! Of course!), and easily one of the ones with the least time-travelling plot holes that most fall prey to. Coupled with the fact that Ashton Kutcher is the lead role who had, until then, mainly played "the goofy stoner kid" in anything else he was in made for interesting viewing given that he made an awesome performance in this. You hear that Ashton? Awesome! Where are you now? Stop playing dumbass pranks on celebrities and trying to produce failed attempts at sit-coms and get back to acting in slightly edgy films, dude! Duuuuuuuuuuuude! Saaaweeeeeeeeeeet!

So, Butterfly Effect = Awesome! All the way through until the VHS tape gets to the end...

It's then I remember that the version I've seen countless times was the Director's Cut in which (SPOILERS AHEAD) Ashton's character realizes that in the end it is inevitable that no matter what he does he is going to fuck things up for someone in some way and so he watches the home video reel of his mother giving birth and goes back to then when he was still in the womb and strangles himself with the umbilical cord! Awesome! Thus, he never is born and the girl he loves never decides to hang around in that shitty town to get abused, the brother isn't hanging out with them to fuck things up by blowing up a baby and making Lenny crazy and his mother probably doesn't go chain-smoking because she doesn't get her hopes up with a surviving baby (Also something left out was all the still-births his mother had before Ashton's character's birth, though I think that was a deleted scene that didn't even make it to the director's cut! For shame! It implied that there had been many other time-traveling stoner kids before Ashton's character who had all come to the same conclusion that they had to kill themselves before they were born! Extra awesome? I thought so).
Instead the version we bought (Which I call the "shit-assed version") ends with him just going back and not killing himself but still managing to fix everything and make everything perfect and thus destroying any point that the film might have made about inevitability and the dangers of changing things in the past to change the present. Instead we end with an ending in which Ashton's character has potentially perfected everything, instead of fucking up everything, which is exactly how the movie should have ended... and it did! In the director's eyes...

"I swear! I didn't know we bought the version with the lame ending, Lenny!"

It was still enjoyable. Funny, exciting, at times disturbing. But all in all, I think if I had seen this ending first, I wouldn't have remembered The Butterfly Effect as being such an awesome movie all these years...

Still, I think I give it 4/5 all the same:



The Butterfly Effect - Apple Movie Site

The Signal

Who doesn't like movies about fucked up shit happening because of weird telepathic, radioactive, mind controlling hypno-signals coming through the T.V.?
Well, a lot of people... probably why this film wasn't terribly popular as far as I know but it should have been! And it's popular in my book, gosh darn it!


Anyway, the film is split into three parts (It also has three directors - coincidence? Or a sign of something more sinister?) each of which deals with, firstly the fact that a strange transmission is coming through all T.V.s, telephones and radios that is somehow driving everyone who watches or listens to it crazy but mostly following the steps of a young woman named... uh... I forgot her name... whoever! Who is being pursued by her enraged husband Lewis and her secret lover Ben both of whom have different degrees of "the crazy" from watching the strange broadcast.

This film is excellently done, each director manages to get you to really see how every single character genuinely thinks they're the sane ones and everyone else went nuts and then quickly switching it up and reminding you that "Oh! That guy's crazy too, I forgot he likes to spray rat poison in people's mouths! Silly me!".

Point is, excellent movie, excellent point, excellent acting, excellent excelsiur, excellent overall.

Definitely see this one if you like movies about people going nuts and talking to severed heads.


Do You Have The Crazy? - Official "The Signal" website

Undead

Undead is an Australian film-makers' take on the age old tale of brain eating zombies...


It's not completely typical, and doesn't feature the same old lumbering zombies that we see in many other hundreds of thousands of movies featuring our undead friends (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it is still nice to see some originality spring up from time to time).
The zombies in this film were much more like the bad guys (They weren't zombies!) in Evil Dead. They don't speak though, but they just seem so much more capable and are definitely stronger than your average Bub...

The film-makers clearly have good vision and a fair amount of talent when it comes to getting nice slick looking shots and the gore effects (Which, let's face it, are very important when regarding a zombie flick) are really awesome in places. All the parts are acted well, especially considering this is a fairly low budget film and at first glance I figured they probably spent all their budget on bottles of blood. Altogether a very enjoyable film...

My only complaint (I had to have one) was in the editing. It all felt (especially during "action" scenes) like it was chopped together a bit and was kind of hard to follow exactly who was hitting who or who was running where in certain scenes... I think though, when I think about it, that I've sort of felt the same way about most Australian films I've seen so it's possible that it's just a different "style", or almost like an accent in film-making that makes it just seem a little different and maybe a "typical" British or American film might seem a little weirdly edited to an Australian viewer... maybe? Now that I think about it, sometimes Japanese films are also edited a little strangly, in a completely different way... maybe it is a movie accent thing... a little certain something that different countries' film-makers pick up on when they start making films...

Or maybe this film was confusing because of the sudden arrival of a science fiction plot arriving about half-way through the movie for no reason...

Whatever.

Go see it!


Or like, pick it up from the discount bin at Wal-mart or whatever.



Undead - the movie

War Of The Robots

War of the Robots is a touching tale of how power corrupts, virtue and honor triumph over evil, true love prevails and in the future everything will look terribly unrealistic and everyone will wear one piece jump suits for no reason.

Since this film was made in 1978 I'm going to make sure I don't dwell on poor quality special effects, since it was most likely beyond the filmmakers capabilities to do better, and instead I'll focus on the shit acting, poor script and abysmally vomit-inducing camera work.
Actually fuck it, I couldn't help but get caught up in the shit effects. They used the exact same (shitty) shot of a (shitty) model floating around in (shitty looking unrealistic) space about 500 times.
Did they only have the budget to fling the model through their shit space-colored backdrop once?
Couldn't they have done it a few times and shot it from different angles to change things up a little bit?
Would it have been too much to ask for them to just not show the ship at all?

Anyway... I guess the special effects aren't what makes a movie truly bad... what does that is a ridiculous plot that doesn't make any sense.

Basically what happens is a ship full of, what must be the deep-space future version of, electrical repairmen is sent off to get a satellite up and running again but when they get there the creepy (evil) scientist who was living there has inexplicably been kidnapped by Nazis from space.
Rather than just forget about it and go home, this hapless bunch of repairmen set about to try and rescue him only to find themselves confronted by a planet full of the space Nazis.

Science Fiction shenanigans ensue.

Science Fiction writers ought to be about a million times more careful with their stories than any other kind of writer because I, for one, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, can't help but pick through any and all flaws that the film may contain...
Yes, there are the usual dumb ideas that somehow mans advancement will lead him to believe that laser guns will somehow be more effective and commonly used than regular projectile weapons and the misconception that somewhere along man's evolution he will lose sense of fashion altogether so that everyone in the known galaxy is wearing exactly the same outfit. Usually overly laden with needless shoulder pads, turtle necked tops and sparkly bits. And let's not forget the military issue low-cut model for the better looking among the female crew members.
Obviously.

No, what I couldn't get past in this film were the following disastrous points.

Directions - They kept using the directions North, South, East and West in space. Surely even someone with the most basic of knowledge of... well, anything, would be able to realize with just a minor amount of thought that these directions pertain to relative directions on Earth! (Or presumably any other planet) But in the reaches of deep space saying "The enemy is 1000 miles North of us commander." is about as useful as a condom dispenser in a nunnery.

Lasers - lasers will not become weapons in the future. Maybe in space battles they'd become useful, but even still doubtful. This is a point that bugs me in any sci-fi movies though, of course but in this movie the thoughts were exasperated when one hapless character was trying to man the laser guns from the ship (This hapless character, by the way, has lived in a cave with no light or any signs of civilisation up until the moment about 15 minutes prior that he was picked up by the ship, so why they were having him man the weapons was completely beyond me.) but was having no luck hitting anything. "I'm fed up!" he declared like a 10 year old brat, somehow forgetting he's in the middle of an epic space battle, and was told by the head honcho guy to "Aim a little in front of your target and you'll do better!". Wise advice if you're firing a fucking regular gun but, surprise, lasers travel at light speed, I dunno if you know how fast that is but it's pretty fucking amazingly so-fast-you-don't-need-worry-unless-your-a-gazillion-million-trillion-miles-from-your-target fast. What? If you're going to use lasers as weapons in your shitty sci-fi film, at least check into what a laser is and how it might function.

Gravity - a quick Gravity lesson. The bigger something is, the more gravity it has. If we step on any surface that's a lot larger or smaller than the Earth we're likely to notice the effects of this by either being crushed into a puddle or floating away as soon as we try and leap out of our space craft. But no, somehow even when on an insignificant asteroid (Which somehow sustains a small population of freaks) everything is just tickity-boo. No problems breathing or remaining on the ground. Amazing!

Texan Accent Guy - There was this one guy who was declared as coming from Texas in the film. I have no idea why, because it was never a plot point of any kind. He didn't save the day by rounding up cattle or successfully landing them in his ranch that he knew like the back of his hand. He didn't even have any sort of Texan sensibilities. Whatever they might be. So you may think that it was only brought up to explain some poor actors uncontroloably strong Texas accent! That would make sense! But no! The actor was so unbelievably not from Texas that they would have been better suited asking me to play the part and telling me just say "shucks" and "y'all" a lot.

Space Fights - space fights are lame unless you really have a budget to make them awesome. In 1978 the only person capable of that was George Lucas. Notice that in any of the Star Trek movies the space fights are largely subdued and boring? I did, and fuck all y'all that disagree. But, if you must have a space fight at the very very least what you could do when the good guys ship is hit and you have to do that "Shaking the camera while everyone flails around pretending the ship is shaking" thing, at the very very least you could make sure that everyone flails in the same direction. Otherwise it's like... what the fuck is happening here? Is the ship being shaken in all directions at once? Is this some weird space-time anomaly that makes gravity and the pulls of space act differently on each individual? No, it's a director who didn't think before he picked a camera and said "Sci Fi! That's the genre for me!".

Robots - Hey, if you're going to make an army of killer Aryan robots, why not make them good enough to be able to face a group of about 7 people armed with flashlights without being slaughtered by the hundred?

I dunno why we were meant to be surprised when it turned out the weird Nazis who spoke monotonously, all looked pretty much the same and were dressed in aluminum foil were robots! I mean the movie's called war of the robots, and they were the only ones doing any fighting... perhaps the movie had a different title initially and the studios came down and made them change it. Maybe it was called "Attack Of The Shitty Script" or "Stuff Happening In Space You Couldn't Give A Flying Fuck About".

Fuck me, this review is long.

Southland Tales

I knew from the first time I saw the trailer to this film, a long time ago on a rental DVD far away, that this would be a film that I would enjoy a lot but that wouldn't reach any sort of popular status among the naive and thought-limited public. By "thought-limited" I mean "No-one likes The Rock now that he's plain ol' Dwayne Johnson".

Can you smell what Dwayne Johnson is cooking?

Yes... it's supper for his family. And I believe he's boiling a kettle for tea. How quaint!

Anyway, point is I was correct, I loved this film but I feel that no-one else on the planet does... am I right or is that just the feeling this film evokes in everyone? Does everyone think they're the only ones who like this film? Am I a unique snowflake?
Let's not tread down the Fight Club route because it has nothing to do with this film.

After I had basically IMDBed the shit out of this whole film (That's right! I used IMDB as a verb. I used an internet term as a verb that isn't affiliated with google (yet), how d'ya like them apples!?), because there was a lot to check on, I came to a concise understanding of the lessons learned in this film. They are as follows: (I love lists, don't you?)

• You can never have too much Jesus symbolism
• According to Richard Kelly (Director of this and Donnie Darko), Time Travel and the end of the world have something to do with each other, but he'll be damned if he'll just come out and say it. Instead, let's watch a couple of hours of him almost telling us...
• As I have always suspected and hoped, Buffy The Vampire Slayer does not do anal.
• Before casting this film, a lot of films from the 80's were watched.
• The Rock is a pimp, and pimp's don't commit suicide.
• Justin Timberlake is not a pimp, and perhaps he should have committed suicide.
• Arty Movie With A Social Point To Make + Pixies Song = Awesome. (This formula will never fail)
• Moby is a dick.
• Donnie Darko was successful.

And that concludes this "review".
High Five!

Body Melt

Why was Harold Bishop in this film?
WHY?>!?!??!?!?!!1111one!!!

Loch Ness Terror

Two key points about this film:

1) This film did not take place at Loch Ness

2) This film was not terrifying

This film perhaps should have been called "Lake Superior Upset". Or "Loch Ness Is In The First 5 Minutes Of This Film And Mentioned Several Times Throughout The Rest By A Bunch Of Crazies Around Lake Superior". Or "Nessie Gets Really Lost". Or "Nessie Plays With Magnets Then Explodes".

All would have been better and more accurate titles.

"Microwaving Nessies Bottom (Or Right Thigh)"

"The Man That Wasn't Steve Irwin Finds The Loch Ness Monster Isn't Living In Loch Ness At All!"

"Dinosaur Egg Surprise"

"The Mediocre Film"...

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

Call me olf-fashioned, stuck in the mud or just plain boring but I'm of the school of thought that still believes that when making a film, no matter how lame people are already going to presume it is, it's a good idea to let people see what's happening.

I mean, surely that's the point in "motion pictures", isn't it? Otherwise it's just a radio show with a funny flashing screen...

I must be wrong though because this movie's screen was pitch black for a good third of it. Granted, you could see an occasional shining of light or a vaguest of vague shadow of something possibly moving in the dark, maybe, but not really enough to make it even in the slightest bit possible for you to tell what's actually going on.

And since the Alien nor the Predator can actually speak, all that accompanies this perpetual darkness for much of the film is some gurgling grunts and screeches while the Alien/Predator (Because at most points in the film you can't even tell which of the two fuckers is actually doing anything) go about doing whatever it is they're doing in the dark.

Ironic (or just retarded) that the scenes which are most illuminated are those featuring humans who, in case you hadn't noticed, didn't appear in the title of the movie. Humans who, in case you hadn't guessed, you can't give two shits about and feel they should just be there for cannon fodder. So why light up these boring fucks and have the scenes involving the only interesting looking things in the film be shrouded in complete darkness?

Well, I don't fucking know but that's why this film gets just one smiley face.

I Am Legend

Yeah so I've had a few beers, and yeah, I do prefer to review less... well... films that don't star Will Smith so much... yeah, so what?

You wanna make something of it, pal?

HUH?

Mothe...

Hey! I'm talking to you! You wanna hear this review or not?
Ok, ok...

So like, Will Smith is the last human alive, right? And like... he's some doctor, and he's working on something because... uh, oh wait no, because see... there are other people but they're just all like... crazed out on some cancer or something, right? Is that what happened?

Wait, can I start this review over? I get one do-over, right...

Man, look, I'll be honest... I started watching this film, had me a few beers and couldn't stop yelling at the T.V. and telling the Fresh Prince to get home to Bel Air before the shit got too real!
He didn't listen... the dumb bastard.
Then he hopped in his fancy airplane with Jeff Goldblum and blew up all the bad guys.

BOOM!

Shit got real.

Then my review started!

Ok, so Will Smith was just an ordinary New Yorker, not a care in the world when suddenly POW! a movie came along that was pretty cool about humanity being extinct. In this movie, stuff happened, but that's not important. What is important is that he had a pretty awesome dog.
That dog was so sweet, man.
It was all like, "woof!"
And Will was all like "Shut the fuck up, this is meant to be a serious movie about wierdo people who live in shitty buildings"
Then the dog was all like, "woof?"
Which was doggie for "For real?"
And Will was all like, "For real."

Then I'm pretty sure he made out with his creepy manican girlfriend. Dude, he totally made out with her and it was gross.
Then he totally cried about it, because he was a bit of a wuss.
Then, he said "Home, to Bel Air!"
And all was good.

Until the ending.

Seriously!

The fucking ending to this movie can fuck off and suck someplace else because I was thoroughly enjoying this movie until the last 10 minutes or so!

Dude

fuck

off!



P.S. I'll give this as many tags as I want. This is my blog MOTHERFUCKERS!

Cloverfield

This film wasn't nearly as bad as I expected from other reviews, all slamming the "shaky-cam" effect as being too annoying or causing too many seizure induced comas or whatever... pussies!

Although I do concede that most likely if I had seen this film in the movie theater that the shaky-cam may have made me want to rip the director's arm off and beat him to death with it... but I wasn't. I was on my couch not being some loser "movie-goer", thanks.

Anyhow, if it hadn't had the Shaky-cam crap, would it not have just been some Sci-fi special?
Would it not have been just another Godzilla? Sure would! Because in spite of my lack of annoyance at the shaky-cam style of the movie (No-one got this annoyed at Blair Waitch. wtf?) I was quite displeased that the creature itself looked about as original as a Michael Bay epic.
Could it not have been a giant frog?
Could it not have been a magnificently oversized slug?

Whatever, no big gripe because I'm sure half the point in the film was that, unlike Godzilla, the pointin the film was the people in it rather than the monster itself.
Which would be why they didn't get someone as cardboard as Mathew Broderick in it.

That was a zing!

Goodnight.

The Invasion

Due to laziness on my part, and making it probably more convenient for anyone trying to view the archive posts, I decided I'll just name them after the film I'm reviewing instead of the Tagline. Isn't that a hoot?

I hope you're happy now, you bastards! You and your constant complaining and whining that I don't make any sense naming the posts after taglines...

Yes, I was fully aware that it made it trickier for people to view the archives and if anyone were to actually be using my site for the purpose of seeking out a review of a specific film that it would be near impossible. But frankly I didn't care, sir! Mine is not a site of "convention" and "following standards", and I say to thee that my site is not for the casual film observer, looking for a serious opinion on a film but rather someone who is interested in a perspective on a film that they haven't heard of, or is just interested in a fresh, or at least original, opinion on a film.

That is what this site is about, sir! Integrity, originality and freedom of expression!

But you come in here with your complaints about Taglines, and non-sensical reviews and thwarts my great ideas of making an interesting movie review blog!!! How dare you!!!

Nonetheless, from this day forth, the Title of my posts shall be that of the name of the movie which I review...

I hope you're satisfied, you son-of-a-bitch!





(Why did no-one like this film? Was the original that much better? Because I thought this was pretty cool...)

Six String Samurai

Imagine if you will, a movie in which a character named "Buddy" represents all that is Rock And Roll after the death of Elvis Presley. Sounds simple and endearing? Yes, now let me add a few things to the equation here...

Imagine that the Americans lost the Cold War, very early on, and were nuked by the Russians in 1957. In the following years, Las Vegas becomes "Lost Vegas" and Elvis Presley is crowned King. Lost Vegas becomes a safe haven for all things American but when Elvis dies Vegas needs a new king, as the tagline implies. Here is where we meet Buddy, fully representing post-Elvis Rock 'n Roll. Here we also meet the Red Elvis' (or is it Elvi?), a group of Communist Elvis Presleys (the nerve!) who we find are out to kill our buddy Buddy! Probably because he's all-American and they're... well I'm not sure what they are.

Still following me?

Well what if instead of the Red Elvis' trying to kill Buddy, along come a group of synchronized bald bowlers who carry hunking maces in their bowling bags and have blades disguised as skittles who decide they have to kill Buddy instead? Why are they concealing weapons in conventional objects? Why are they bowlers? I think they represent the hum-drum pass-times of America that attempted to destroy the way Rock 'n Roll oughta be, man! Anyhow it's lucky that inside his '57 Hollow body Guitar our buddy Buddy conceals... a Samurai sword! And just happens to be the most kickin'est ass-est kung-fu fighting Rock 'n Roll guy you ever did see... and easily stops the bowling guys...

Then enter 4 dark strangers who look like rejects from Motley Crue, besides the leader who looks like Slash from Guns N Posers. They clearly have their eyes set on killing Buddy too! And clearly represent that demon of all demons, Heavy Metal.

Anyway, they stalk Buddy on his travels to Lost Vegas and along the way we find that the Heavy Metal hordes plan to also become king of Lost Vegas!

Along the way Buddy encounters and kills a host of bizarre people, a family who despite the post-apocalyptic wasteland they live in, are still putting on a facade of the American dream. A wannabe rock n' roller, who Buddy tells to "Go get a picket fence somewhere", kick ass! A bunch of guys in moon-suits, who I think represented "the man", boy did Buddy ever do one over on them. And eventually a Russian General, who had a penchant for folk music and polka. I'm not sure if he represented Communism, Bod Dylan, Hippies or all three...

Anyway, the point is I had a dream last night in which I met Ellen DeGeneres and not only did she turn out to be a very pleasant person, but in fact become some what of a mentor of mine teaching me how to deal with day to day struggles and helping me learn true meaning in life. That was up until I was tragically killed in a car accident! But I was still among everyone as a ghost, and I kept flipping things around to haunt them, then Ray Barone (Because obviously, by this point I was on the set of Everybody Loves Raymond) suggests that it would be far funnier to haunt his mom, and so I did (I assume I did anyway, at this point my dream stayed on the people that weren't me while I went of to "haunt") until Ray's mom comes running in with her night mask on in a hilarious scene of American sit-comedy!
Then it turns out I wasn't really dead, everyone was just pretending they couldn't see me "for a laugh".
Then I woke up and mused about how the dream was more coherent than Six String Samurai.

And it's true!

Here's a trailer that confirms that what I said about this movie is true...