Monday, December 29, 2008

The Man Who Sued God

This film I've been meaning to see since it came out but hadn't gotten around to it until last night. The reason it took so long, I think, is because I had basically all but lost hope in films starring Billy Connolly. Not that he's not funny, quite the opposite in fact, I think he's an extremely funny comedian but no film that I had seen to date truly made his character even remotely as funny as the man himself (A few films had him play roles well and very well - A Series Of Unfortunate Events, Fido, Who Is Cletis Tout? - but just not any roles as funny as he is) and others, such as Beautiful Joe, seemed to believe that by just having him present they didn't need to worry about having a funny script because he was there, which obviously isn't the case when someone is acting out your script. You need to have a script written to match the comedian.

So I was hesitant to see The Man Who Sued God perhaps because I expected it to be really lame and have Billy's character be another waste of a great talent but fortunately enough, I was wrong - The Man Who Sued God makes perfect use of Billy and is (almost) as funny as his stand-up routine for at least 50% of the movie and I realized what made his character better in this film...

Billy was pissed off!

In other films he had been complaisant, quaint, quirky but in this he rants, swears, shouts and screams just as much as his better stand up routines therefor making this film a much more compelling view than most of his films - if you're looking for Billy himself to be funny that is.

The only flaw, as far as I can see, is that it's a relatively dull plot and extremely predictable. You know right from the start that the ending is going to be a good one and the only challenge we have is trying to work out how it's going to get there and what amusing obstacles might stand in the way of our angry hero. Call me "weird" if you must, but I think I just prefer watching a film that you don't know is going to end up good or bad and leaves you a little tense. Unfortunately I suppose most comedies don't really do that which is probably why I spend much more of my time watching horror films that are probably 50/50 in how often they have happy endings.

I also think the love story could have been completely dropped from the movie without doing it any harm. No-one needs to see Billy Connolly do a full on open-mouthed kiss with anyone at anytime and expect to keep their lunch.

Sorry Billy!

The Man Who Sued God's NetFlix page - you can actually watch this online for no charge if you already have a NetFlix account if you go to that link before the 31st of December. Hurry!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Do You Like Hitchcock?

Yes, yes I do.

This is probably the best scene in the movie:

Monday, December 22, 2008

Prom Night (1980)

What is it that all major horror films are lacking?
One thing that you just know deep inside each and every one of them should have had.
A single film element that would have spanned all the horror franchises into longer lasting, epic, billion dollar movies.
Dance offs!

After seeing Prom Night I can safely say that no slasher flick should be complete without an old fashioned test of power via the medium of dance.
And Jamie Lee Curtis was involved? That only makes me realize that John Carpenter doesn't have the eye for talent that we may have inadvertently attributed him with. Why was there no dance competition with Michael Myers at the end of Halloween?
Epic fail, Mr. Carpenter.

And what's Activia's deal?
With a few simple convincing boogie steps, Jamie Lee could have us all replenishing ourselves with vomit-like substances from dawn till dusk.

Me: What's that Jamie Lee? You want me to take the Activia challenge? No thanks, I don't really like yogurt things and besides I don't really know that feeling 'irregular' actually means anything and it's probably just a ploy to get me to think I need your product.

Jamie Lee: *breaks out into disco fever*

Me: *buys ten years worth of Activia*

The only thing that could have possibly made the dance-offs better is if somehow a ninja were involved, but unfortunately we all know that could never happ... HOLY SHIT The bad guy's a ninja???

I speak the truth. A motherfucking, full fledged ninja (kind of)!! Well, he looks like one and he jumps around like one and yes, the final battle with the ninja-like evil doer is on the dance floor as the disco ball revolves.

So why haven't you seen this film?

You have? Great.

Additionally, Slick is the coolest character I have seen in any film ever.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Not A Movie Review: Note

I just created a blog where I'll just share videos I find amusing...
The link is!
Bookmark it, view it often!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Hellraiser: Bloodline

I fell asleep almost as soon as this started (Due to tiredness, not boredom) and for some reason I feel that was probably for the better
This seemed to be essentially "Pinhead In Space!", which seems rather corny and worth missing to me...

I was rather surprised to learn this is only the fourth in the series though and not "Hellraiser Part 56: We've Really Ran Out Of Ideas"

I wonder if they'll ever make "Freddy In Space"!

(This rating is a complete guess and possibly is giving the film the benefit of the doubt)

A Review By Someone Who Stayed Awake

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)

I must admit that when I decided to watch this for the first time over the weekend I felt I was in for a bit of a laugh fest (ala War Of The Robots), but what I got was a well acted and thought provoking little film about a lovable alien coming to Earth with threats to annihilate us all. But in a nice way!

The special effects, though obviously dated somewhat, struck me as being relatively believable.
I was thoroughly impressed and it actually made me look forward to the new version, starring Keanu Reeves, a little more than I already was. I'm just sort of curious as to how they pan it out as it seems from the trailer that Keanu comes to Earth with a much more threatening position than the lovable Klaatu played by Michael Rennie who just doesn't seem to want to scowl at all.

Anyway, the facvt is I only reviewed this to try and snatch some gullible fools looking for The Day The Earth Stood Still reviews!


No, really, I did watch it though

That's me, rambling about the remake

The Day The Earth Stood Still's Wikipedia Page

Monday, November 24, 2008


Superbad was a bit like eating dinner at McDonalds
Sure it tastes good and didn't take much thought process but when people ask what you saw/ate last night you'll feel a gut wrenching feeling like you could have had so much more. Like maybe that in spite of the hilarity involved in the film, you could have been analyzing Vertigo by Alfred Hitchcock instead or something...
Then maybe you'll throw up.
Whatever, the film was funny, at times hilarious, but that's not important.
What is important is that about 15 minutes one of the main characters yells at another kid "Hey, why don't you go piss your pants again!"

What the fuck?

Another Pants Pissing movie... how can this be?

How can it be possible for so many films to be viewed that all reference or just flat out show people urinating all over themselves in such a short time together? If you don't know what I'm talking about please refer to my previous review (Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things)

I mean, really... does every movie actually mention pants pissing and pants pissers and I've just been flat out blacking it out all these years?
Am I hallucinating and it's not actually happening? and if so, why in the fuck?


Superbad - good
Pants Pissing - bad

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things is an incredibly dull and poor acted attempt at a thrill ride which all too late turns into a sub-par but watchable zombie film about ten minutes before the end, but that's not important right now.
What is important is that at a key moment (When a rather amusing looking 'Three Stooges' type fellow in a love-heart patterned shirt is being sequestered by a couple of rather camp gay grave diggers - who, by the way, were about the only likable characters) someone in the film exclaims "I peed my pants!", several times.

I know this doesn't seem amazing by any stretch to anyone but to me it was as if the good Lord in Heaven was trying to communicate with me, you see over the course of the weekend we also watched:

  • Willard - in which Crispin Glover's boss is said to have pissed his pants when the rats get at his brand new car
  • The Grudge 2 - in which some girl pees herself after a shower upon witnessing the scary staring girl
  • Pieces - in which someone pees themselves. Pieces was ultimately forgettable except for a few key retarded lines so I don't really recall any of the events that led to someone pissing all over themselves but rest assured, it happened. I've just saved you the trouble of watching 'Pieces' by the way. It's not worth it!
Weird huh?

I mean how many films is there that people piss themselves in?

I can only think of one more and I'm not watching American Pie anytime soon, but what are the chances of so many films with urine soaked trousers being a prevalent theme being viewed all in such quick succession?

I can only imagine the mighty powers that be, the Necromancers of bed-wetting and lousy B-grade movies crossed paths over the weekend and tried to convey to me a message of warning, but what could it be?

And what's that comfortable yet awkward warm feeling between my legs all about?


Monday, November 17, 2008


If I wanted to see a dumb movie that should have been an episode of "Fringe" at best or a creepy science fiction thriller at worst but instead was turned into a cheesy action flick starring Julianne Moore as a unconvincingly harsh FBI Agent and Nicolas Cage as a balding has-been who creeps on the younger ladies (It was quite the stretch for Mr. Cage to play that role let me tell you!) then... well I guess I'd watch this movie again...In Next a bunch of stuff happens but then Nicolas Cage sees it's going to happen and stops it happening so it doesn't happen anymore. He doesn't see himself fixing it though until he does, then when he does, if he doesn't like the way things turned out he can not do it that way too...

An interesting directorial note for this movie; At any point in the movie in which Nicolas Cage is in a scene, if you skip ahead two minutes and keep doing that over and over, you'll find you're at the end of the movie and you just saved yourself 96 minutes of wasted time watching an inane waste of cinema reel.

Next Movie Website

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Ocean's Eleven

Remember when people said things like "Did you know they're making a sequel to Ocean's Eleven?... it's called Ocean's Twelve!" as a joke?

It was funny! Get it? Because "eleven" is just part of the title and not a number indicating the film's part in a series? GET IT? Hilarity!

And then remember how they went ahead and made the sequel and went and called it Ocean's Twelve... like they were in on the joke?

Was George Clooney just trying to mess with our heads?

That's all.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Happening

If you don't want to know anything about The Happening, then why in the name of God are you reading a review of it? Hop off!
The Happening (Winner of the "Vaguest Movie Title Since 'The Thing'" Award), for those of you who were living in a sensory deprivation chamber throughout the earlier part of the year, is the most recent offering from visionary wank-fart M. Night Shyamalan. Of course it's filled with social points, surprising performances from actors you previously discounted as being completely cardboard and of course the mandatory unnecessarily uncomfortable close ups of frustrated looking people.
That's pretty much par for the course in an M. Night film.

What's different is that this one was rated "R"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!one!!!!!! OMG U guyz!

The trailer and pre-release press were very aptly set up in a way to make people watching think "Oh my God, what if the things happening in The Happening really happininged?"!
Such is the way with semi-epic "Oh Gosh, what if something slightly weird, but not too chaotic, happens?" films.

In this film Mark Wahlberg's character (who should have been played by William H. Macy in order to make this film about 523 times less douchey) is a school teacher (See? Why is Wahlberg teaching children things? Truly this is a work of horror beyond compare...) and soon becomes aware that trees are communicating with grass and sunflowers and telling them to send out magical "Take 4 steps backwards then kill yourself" beams to all the humans in the vicinity.

"I can't stop furrowing my brows any more than you can stop looking all 'indie', dear"

A truly magnificently terrifying concept that Mr. Shyamalan has presented us with. If plants could make us all take 4 steps backwards and kill ourselves what would happen, man? Good God! It would truly be The Happening!

Yeah, unfortunately the whole concept of plants being able to release some sort of spore into the air that evokes the exact same reaction in every single one of the highly developed Homo Sapien psyche's it encounters is about as likely as M. Night Shyamalan's next movie not trying to mess with your head in one way or another.

Yes, bees are disappearing and yes, if we're to believe the crazy cross eyed weirdo in the movie, plants can emit some sort of spore that attracts a very specific wasp to deter a very specific caterpillar when it feels threatened by it's presence - but these things are insects.

Did you know that there are parasites that can completely envelope ants, snails and spiders minds and have them do their bidding? Turning them into effective "zombies"?
It's true! But there's a very good reason why no-one with half a brain created a movie in which those very same parasites were responsible for a zombie outbreak and it's because it doesn't make sense. There's a huge difference between controlling, distorting or completely destroying the mind of one of the most simple and low functioning creatures on the planet and being able to control the mind of any mammal, never mind the human brain.
Don't get all environmental on me!
The Human brain would be far less susceptible to any sort of mind controlling spores, even in as simple a way as we have communication and understanding to get us through such crises.

It's not like a movie couldn't exist where weird spores were affecting us in some way... why not make the spores just make people go a little nuts? Sure, suicide rate is up but everyone isn't killing themselves in exactly the same damn way!
That doesn't make any sense!
You could have murder rates up... people pressing their own eyeballs out through their noses, people hallucinating that their long deceased ancestor is talking to them through their bathroom mirror beckoning them to kill every pet Pug in the neighborhood, people stapling pancakes to peoples heads... a whole manner of messed up shit happening! People going nuts in their own little ways all over the place creating chaos!

But instead we have a bunch of people calmly stepping off buildings and Mark Wahlberg looking like he's on the verge of a very minor breakdown, from which he will only recover with a huge dose of Chamomile tea.

Screw this film, M. Night, your next one had better be about 100 times better.

(It wasn't that bad actually, just unrealistic... unlike Unbreakable, that made perfect sense!)

The Happening Movie Site

NOTE: To see how this film should have gone down, watch The Signal, which I reviewed a couple of posts back...

Monday, November 3, 2008

Shock Treatment

The Rocky Horror picture show was by far one of my favorite (If not, the favorite) films of all time. I've loved it since I was a small child, probably too young to be watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show but there you go...
It has it all! Thrills! Chills! Laughs! Susan Sarandon in leather!
A true classic of a film, no doubt about it and would easily get 5 smiley faces if I ever chose to review it...
I know that many people reading this might be wondering why I'm going on about The Rocky Horror Picture show and I know this because I myself would have wondered, had I read this review a mere week or two ago for you see I, like many of us, was blissfully unaware that The Rocky Horror Picture Show spawned a sequel and it's name was Shock Treatment!

No, no, don't click on the link I only put it there as a hellish temptation.

Some sequels really fuck up the original film.

Some sequels are just so phenomenally God-awful that they take any sort of point that the first film made and take a giant crap all over it.

Some sequels are so mind-numbingly terrible that they make you feel nothing but an enormous amount of pity for the poor saps who were roped into reprising their roles from the original.

Some sequels are so drastically vomitous and pleasure-destroying that merely trying to recall them makes you wish you could rip out your own brain through your ears just to forget they ever plagued your life.

Fortunately, Shock Treatment is so far beyond all that, it is so awful and so despicable that it has thankfully been long since forgotten, allowing The Rocky Horror Picture Show to essentially retro-actively abort it's offspring. Praise the Lord above for the fact that this film is very little known and is rarely, if ever, associated with it's far far superior first.

You want a plot summary? Fine.

It seems Brad and Janet, having completely and miraculously forgotten anything that happened to them in the previous film find themselves in the audience of a strangely unappealing and boring musical gameshow. Having no recollection of the events which preceded them however, seems to have ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNIFICANCE WHATSOEVER, as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happens in this film which has anything to do with the original in any way whatsoever, except that it stars Brad and Janet, both of whom are played by completely different actors. Janet doesn't look a thing like Susan Sarandon and she can't lip-sync for shit

Check it fucking out?!!?

Sure, she looks like she's whispering the correct words but it doesn't look a thing like she's singing them...

Whatever... basically this film has none of the appeal of the original, the songs are cringe-worthy and irrelevant and the whole theme of the film (Something about how Television controls our lives and minds, maybe?) is so completely un-backed up and lost in a mindless bubble of shit-acting and poor singing that what Shock Treatment ended up looking like is a movie, how it would appear, if Uwe Boll decided to remake a Terry Gilliam movie.


Save yourselves and don't ever try and seek out this pile of trash as I did...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Butterfly Effect

We recently had the good fortune to find The Butterfly Effect for $1 on VHS on the bargain racks at a Video Store recently...

... a movie which is easily worth at least one and a half times that amount! Score!

The Butterfly Effect is a movie I've seen a few times and is by far one of the best time-travel based movies there is (Just below Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure! Of course!), and easily one of the ones with the least time-travelling plot holes that most fall prey to. Coupled with the fact that Ashton Kutcher is the lead role who had, until then, mainly played "the goofy stoner kid" in anything else he was in made for interesting viewing given that he made an awesome performance in this. You hear that Ashton? Awesome! Where are you now? Stop playing dumbass pranks on celebrities and trying to produce failed attempts at sit-coms and get back to acting in slightly edgy films, dude! Duuuuuuuuuuuude! Saaaweeeeeeeeeeet!

So, Butterfly Effect = Awesome! All the way through until the VHS tape gets to the end...

It's then I remember that the version I've seen countless times was the Director's Cut in which (SPOILERS AHEAD) Ashton's character realizes that in the end it is inevitable that no matter what he does he is going to fuck things up for someone in some way and so he watches the home video reel of his mother giving birth and goes back to then when he was still in the womb and strangles himself with the umbilical cord! Awesome! Thus, he never is born and the girl he loves never decides to hang around in that shitty town to get abused, the brother isn't hanging out with them to fuck things up by blowing up a baby and making Lenny crazy and his mother probably doesn't go chain-smoking because she doesn't get her hopes up with a surviving baby (Also something left out was all the still-births his mother had before Ashton's character's birth, though I think that was a deleted scene that didn't even make it to the director's cut! For shame! It implied that there had been many other time-traveling stoner kids before Ashton's character who had all come to the same conclusion that they had to kill themselves before they were born! Extra awesome? I thought so).
Instead the version we bought (Which I call the "shit-assed version") ends with him just going back and not killing himself but still managing to fix everything and make everything perfect and thus destroying any point that the film might have made about inevitability and the dangers of changing things in the past to change the present. Instead we end with an ending in which Ashton's character has potentially perfected everything, instead of fucking up everything, which is exactly how the movie should have ended... and it did! In the director's eyes...

"I swear! I didn't know we bought the version with the lame ending, Lenny!"

It was still enjoyable. Funny, exciting, at times disturbing. But all in all, I think if I had seen this ending first, I wouldn't have remembered The Butterfly Effect as being such an awesome movie all these years...

Still, I think I give it 4/5 all the same:

The Butterfly Effect - Apple Movie Site

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Signal

Who doesn't like movies about fucked up shit happening because of weird telepathic, radioactive, mind controlling hypno-signals coming through the T.V.?
Well, a lot of people... probably why this film wasn't terribly popular as far as I know but it should have been! And it's popular in my book, gosh darn it!

Anyway, the film is split into three parts (It also has three directors - coincidence? Or a sign of something more sinister?) each of which deals with, firstly the fact that a strange transmission is coming through all T.V.s, telephones and radios that is somehow driving everyone who watches or listens to it crazy but mostly following the steps of a young woman named... uh... I forgot her name... whoever! Who is being pursued by her enraged husband Lewis and her secret lover Ben both of whom have different degrees of "the crazy" from watching the strange broadcast.

This film is excellently done, each director manages to get you to really see how every single character genuinely thinks they're the sane ones and everyone else went nuts and then quickly switching it up and reminding you that "Oh! That guy's crazy too, I forgot he likes to spray rat poison in people's mouths! Silly me!".

Point is, excellent movie, excellent point, excellent acting, excellent excelsiur, excellent overall.

Definitely see this one if you like movies about people going nuts and talking to severed heads.

Do You Have The Crazy? - Official "The Signal" website

Monday, October 20, 2008

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

This is one of the best new films I've seen in a while... at least since Hatchet. And The Dark Knight... and Tropic Thunder was pretty cool. Well, okay, maybe I've seen quite a few recent enough films that were pretty cool but the point is after watching Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, you'll feel as though it's the best film you've seen in a long time
Basically in "Jack Brooks" (Or will it be known as "Monster Slayer" when people come to give it a short, easy-to-say, title?) we follow the unlikely hero trying to cope with everyday life while throwing random fits, destroying toasters and basically being unable to manage any semblance of normality. That is until he inadvertently assists a demon to work it's way back from the bowels of hell and into Robert Englund! The horror!
Then he decides maybe it would be a good idea to kill it... hmmm... you think?

Steven Tyler's cameo

Jack Slayer, or Monster Brooks, or whatever is excellently done and it's only flaw is that it takes quite a while to really get into the action, fortunately the characters (Or at least the main character) is humorous and enjoyable enough that it doesn't matter that he only spends the last 10 seconds of the film facing any demons.

I know the film-makers, fans of the film and indeed fans of any film ever may hate me for saying this but believe me I mean it as a mighty mighty compliment, but it really made me think that someone out there saw Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (the series, not the lame-ass film) and thought it would do better on HBO.

And they're right!

Jack Monster: Brooks Slayer doesn't actually have any vampires in it though, but any fan of Buffy knows that most of the well thought out bad guys in that series weren't vampires anyway.

For those who want a comparison that doesn't make you vomit, the film is also very similar to the Evil Dead series. The bad guys who get summoned by the main blob-like demon are very much like deadites (see "Steven Tyler" above) and the "Joe The Plumber Turns Evil Hunter" type storyline is very similar (in a "nod of the hat" kind of way) to Ash from The Evil Dead series.

And... uhh... and then, as if by magic, the review ended.

Official Site for Jack Slayer Monster Brookingstine Whatever

EDIT: I truly wish that I had spent a large portion of this review making un-necessary comparisons to Joe The Plumber over and over again

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Take.. your damn hands.. off her

As is carefully explained on the back of the DVD case, this is the fourth installment in the Friday the 13th series, not the final one as the name might imply. I guess the film-makers didn't know there was going to be five thousand and thirty two sequels after this so they can't really be blamed...

It's pretty hard to review this film since it is in every way identical to every other Friday the 13th film ever made. Seriously, they're all the fucking same!
I'm secretly trying to drudge my way through the series in sequence so I can eventually make my way to "Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan". I mean, how the fuck does that transpire? I'm really curious, but in the mean time I have to sit through parts I - VII...

Only 3 more to go before I hit the motherload!

Anyway, let's focus on the obvious flaws in this film... number one: Crispin Glover was in it and playing someone who wasn't completely awkward.

If Crispin Glover is in your film and he gets laid, you've failed.
Moving on...
Corey Feldman was in this film and wasn't completely awesome!
It's true... he was this little weedy kid who stayed in his room peeping at boobies and spending way too long making latex masks that didn't really come into play much in the film at all.

Then he shaved his head for no reason.

I' have to admit I'm a bit disappointing in these early editions in the Friday the 13th series (Except for part 1, obviously), the death scenes are really under-emphasized when they should be the main part of these films, and the characters are all detestable... I know some of the later sequels pick up on the death scenes a little so I have that to look forward to.

Anyway, now that Jason's finally really dead (Really, really this time) it'll be interesting to see how they bring him back.

Not really, I already know and of course it's not interesting... half the time he comes back from the dead for no reason at all so I'm not really sure why they feel a need to explain it at all in the next film.

I probably won't review another Friday the 13th until I get to Jason Takes Manhattan. I can't imagine anything interesting is going to happen until then.

Below is the most awesome clip you'll ever see of Crispin Glover dancing in Friday the 13th part IV:

(If you're reading this on Facebook you'll need to click on "view original post" below to see the clip)

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

This was basically a romantic comedy with chainsaws. I'm not sure why, but Leatherface seems to have become some likable, misunderstood, retard... a bit like Forrest Gump or something whose only flaw is that he often slices people into tiny pieces with his chainsaw. It's a shame really because with those pretty flashing eyes he could have had a magical career in television.

Anyhow, this film bares little resemblance to the original 1974 film despite it being directed by Tobe Hooper still (I would have assumed it had been hijacked by a new director if I hadn't seen his name pop up) and seems to have been influenced strongly by the horror film series' of the 80s (Friday the 13th, Nightmare On Elm Street etc.) instead of being an influence to them which you could argue the original film was... it makes it a little painful to think about since, in many ways it takes the original and shits all over it. In a bad way.

However, all is not lost because fortunately this film is so different to the original and came out so much later that you can't possibly watch it and actually compare it to the original film. It's more like a remake or something, or a completely different series altogether... which is fortunate because with that in mind it's a very watchable horror film with all the likability and charm that many of the film series of the time had.

Plus it has Dennis Hopper which really adds a few points of film-cred to it's resume.

Anyway, what's my point?

Ah, yes, as a sequel you probably should run outside, find every copy of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and destroy it in any way you can. Seek out Tobe Hooper and hang him from the gallows for destroying his own creation in such a vicious and heartless way.

But as a film on it's own (Which is basically what it is...) it's a reasonable watch and the only thing that could have improved it would be an all-singing all-dancing musical montage near the end. That would have really clynched the deal for me.

There's no way in hell Tobe Hooper is going to have me actually give him any credit for trying to make the Chainsaw a phalic symbol though.

Fuck that shit.

Here's a clip that should have been a direct cut from the film but is unfortunately just an amusing montage of clips someone made:

Monday, October 6, 2008

Mother Of Tears

Basically the plot of Mother Of Tears is simple. It's practically identical to the plot of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone except instead of Harry, there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. Instead of Hagrid there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. Instead of Voldemort there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. And instead of Dumbledor there's Udo Kier.

A rare clothed moment in Mother Of Tears.

And last but not least, instead of Quidditch matches there are giant lesbian orgies.

Seriously, Witches and lesbianism? That Dario Argento really knows how to push the envelope...

MSN Movie Page on Mother Of Tears

Friday, October 3, 2008

Not A Movie Review: B Through Z

I should have an article featured in an upcoming issue of B Through Z, a new movie-commentary type review/article filled site! Stay tuned or whatever!

I dunno whether I'll be in the next issue (#4) or a later one so we'll see...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!

WHen I were a lad I recalled a Saturday morning cartoon show named "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes"...
... to which this image does not relate. However, around the same time I saw a movie a few times that was pretty much in the style of Airplane or Naked Gun about the aforementioned Killer Tomatoes. I had never seen anything of the movie or the series for many moons until one day my wife and I were perusing the "These movies really suck so we're selling them for a buck" section at a local movie rental store and saw the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes" on sale!
I remember thinking that it looked too old to be the movie I recalled as a child but really, how many movies could there possibly be about these Killer Tomatoes?

Apparently at least two, as I discovered on watching the movie that it was not the movie I recalled but was clearly related to the movie I had seen. The movie I had seen had been a sequel of all things! I dunno why anyone made a sequel, the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes' was a relatiuvely amusing enough concept but a fairly unfunny film (it had moments), but I do recall that the film I recall was actually rather amusing, so my search continued...

Until just recently when I spotted "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" on sale at Wal-mart!
"There couldn't possibly be three movies about the Killer Tomatoes, could there?", I stupidly thought to myself and snatched up "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" and begun to watch! Only to discover that this was actually a sequel to the movie I had seen!
"There's a fucking Killer Tomato trilogy?!", I hear you scream...
Well, not quite because there is yet another one named "Killer Tomatoes Eat France"

So, four films and a T.V. series and as far as I can tell the only one that was any sort of funny is the one that doesn't seem to be on sale anywhere I go, "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes"

Four films? I mean, really...
Both of the films I've seen (recently) have been relatively funny ideas, but overall very unfunny films with only a few laughable moments...

A great disappointment for my childhood, which eagerly awaits the remake which is comign out next year

Yes, five Killer Tomatoe films will be in existence as of next year (So they say)! Five!!! How do Killer Tomatoes manage to scrape together a fan-base to somehow sustain themselves over five films?

It's because of me, isn't it?
I'm the one sad lonely bastard soul out there buying Killer Tomatoe films in the vain hope of somehow, one day, finding the elusive Killer Tomatoe film I so fondly remmeber from the realms of yester-year...

Monday, September 8, 2008


Undead is an Australian film-makers' take on the age old tale of brain eating zombies...

It's not completely typical, and doesn't feature the same old lumbering zombies that we see in many other hundreds of thousands of movies featuring our undead friends (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it is still nice to see some originality spring up from time to time).
The zombies in this film were much more like the bad guys (They weren't zombies!) in Evil Dead. They don't speak though, but they just seem so much more capable and are definitely stronger than your average Bub...

The film-makers clearly have good vision and a fair amount of talent when it comes to getting nice slick looking shots and the gore effects (Which, let's face it, are very important when regarding a zombie flick) are really awesome in places. All the parts are acted well, especially considering this is a fairly low budget film and at first glance I figured they probably spent all their budget on bottles of blood. Altogether a very enjoyable film...

My only complaint (I had to have one) was in the editing. It all felt (especially during "action" scenes) like it was chopped together a bit and was kind of hard to follow exactly who was hitting who or who was running where in certain scenes... I think though, when I think about it, that I've sort of felt the same way about most Australian films I've seen so it's possible that it's just a different "style", or almost like an accent in film-making that makes it just seem a little different and maybe a "typical" British or American film might seem a little weirdly edited to an Australian viewer... maybe? Now that I think about it, sometimes Japanese films are also edited a little strangly, in a completely different way... maybe it is a movie accent thing... a little certain something that different countries' film-makers pick up on when they start making films...

Or maybe this film was confusing because of the sudden arrival of a science fiction plot arriving about half-way through the movie for no reason...


Go see it!

Or like, pick it up from the discount bin at Wal-mart or whatever.

Undead - the movie

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Reaping

Don't read this review if you haven't seen The Reaping! It contains spoilers...

You see, ladies and gentlemen The Reaping has (drum roll, please) a twist ending!!!

Whatever will they think of next? A huge twist at the end that flips the whole film on it's head! How brilliant and original...
That was a little sacastic...
Don't get me wrong, a film has to have some surprises at the end, otherwise it just sort of fizzles out but I am absolutely sick of endings that make you are supposed to make you think "Oh! I'm sooooo shocked! What brilliant innovative wonderously sexy masterpiece of a director made this film? I must know so I can offer myself to him sexually", but alas most twist endings are forced and entirely and completely unnecessary.

This film did not need a twist! (Here come the spoilers), if the silly little bitch at the end had turned out to be Satan as was implied and flat-out said all throughout the film and was just playing a vicious Satan-like trick on the silly cynical cow that starred in this pile of tripe, all would have been good!
Hilary Skank would have then slaughtered an entire innocent village and fled with the child of Satan into Safety! Brilliant!
But, oh no, she has to go and discover the truth that the whole village is evil and in fact God has been punishing them with these plagues and they weren't coming from the little girl... wah wah wah...

If that's the case though, and it was God who was doing all the big magic plague shit, then why did "God" decide to let that priest who was trying to help Skank explode to death in a rather unnatural fireball? That made sense when you thought Satan was up to his old tricks but God wouldn't have done that would he? Maybe God lost his shit for a moment there and forgot how the film was going to end...

I don't know...

I do know this film wasn't as good as it should have been

The Reaping's Website