The Matrix Resurrections

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss

Synopsis: In a wild distopian future, Keanu Reeves stars as a man trapped in a world in which The Matrix films have become self aware - determined to crawl so far up their own ass that they transform into an Ouroboros, hell bent on destroying an already ruined franchise of movies.

Review: If you find yourself scrolling through HBO and think "Hey wow, this movie just came out!" And don't realize it likely means the film isn't as good as it looked like it'd be, then congratulations, you've fallen into what I'm dubbing The Batman-Matrix trap! 

Two unnecessary reboots to movies that have already been overdone.

Two actors who aren't great but who are both for unknown reasons, unquestionably charmismatic (I won't ever not watch a Reeves or Pattinson movie and not feel good about it).

Two movies filled with folks who should be doing better but who fuck it, deserve a pay check (Looking at you Dano/Harris)

I'm not certain The Batman and The Matrix Resurrections aren't the same movie and it's just a glitch in the simulation we all live in that's made them appear seperate.

In Short: Todo List: 

1. Watch the first 30 minutes of this movie

2. Ponder movie makers choice to not use therapy scene where Keanu and Neil Patrick Harris basically circle jerk around the idea of a reboot to the Matrix trilogy as a trailer

3. Realize that would have set expectations too high

4. Cancel HBO Max subscription and burn all records that you ever had it

Trivia: Keanu's role in this movie has finally alleviated his debt to The Deep Ones and will have his soul returned to him by next Tuesday

Biggest Positive: Neil Patrick Harris' glasses

Biggest Negative: I regret not finding out that the band "Bass Against" exists until their song played over the credits, as I could have spent my time more valuably watching a video of their singer pissing on a fan on repeat instead of watching this film

Bass Against - Wake Up

Rating: 3/5

Troll 2

Cast: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy


Synopsis: A family decides to high-tail it to the country in a bizarrely 'ahead of it's time' kind of plot (I hear people actually do this these days thanks to Craigslist) where the city dwelling family Waits swap homes for a period of time with a bunch of brainless country livin' hicks living in the suspiciously named town of Nilbog! Unfortunately for them the entire population is run by Goblins who try to make humans eat their delicious looking booger-covered green plastic food so that they can become half-human half-plant beings which are obviously Goblins favorite foods!

Really makes you wonder about how creatures like the Goblin evolved to like the taste of such a very specific and extremely non-existant food source, doesn't it? I mean when did they first dicover that was their food of choice? When the Goblin queen just decided on a whim to bake up a batch of "turn them into plant" muffins just to see what might happen if they devoured the bloody bark-like flesh of the Plant People? Perhaps they happened upon a man who had covered himself in bark and leaves, consumed him and discovered it was good but not perfect and so set about concucting a weird complex way to somehow merge the seemingly unmergable and create the ultimate snack! Bizarrely enough, it seems that not only is it their favorite food but they've also sort of gotten sick of eating anything that isn't a man-plant hybrid. Well, it's no wonder you don't see many Goblins around anymore, is it?

In case you're wondering how this bizarre plot becomes revealed to our young rapscallion hero (Because obviosuly the Goblins wouldn't take time ot explain all this to them, that would kind of put them off eating the already disgusting looking dishes they prepare) it's quite simple. You see, the young man's grandfather passed away recently and his ghost is using his time walking the realms of non-existance, haunting the young Waits boy by telling him crazy Goblin stories, hiding from his parents so that they think the boy's nuts, helping him set fires and largely being a bit of an incomprehensible dickhead. Makes perfect sense to me!

One man's reaction to this film.

Review: I've been putting off this review because it's fucking Troll 2! It's one of the most renowned bad films of all time and I really don't think I can add any humor, wit or charm to it at all above what the internet (and this documentary) already has.

Instead, I'm going to go continue to hide under a pillow in my closet until a more sensible film comes around and I can sufficiently gather my thoughts enough to form opinions.

thank you.

I will say this though, the story between the boy and his Grandfather (especially the scene where Grandad hands him a molotov cocktail) could have been the plot of an awesome sinister version of Drop Dead Fred!

"You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"

In Short: Too much Goblins, not enough dead Grandads.


Biggest Positive: The acting by the father in the Waits family, or perhaps just the script. It's like he's just opening his mouth and letting whatever words he can best remember come spilling out!


Biggest Negative: In spite of the name of the film, and it's predescessor (The aptly named "Troll") this film is about Goblins, not trolls. Not even a single Troll shows up. I guess it doesn't make much difference really, since arguably they weren't Trolls or Goblins, just midgets in potatoe sacks.


Trivia: No. No trivia. You go home now.

Rambo (2008)

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz


Synopsis: We find a somewhat retired looking Rambo hunting for king cobras in the wild plains of Thailand and selling them to some creepy underground snake-fighting pen (as you do) when suddenly and without warning a gimpy bald guy asks him to lead him and his group of bible bashers into the midst of a war-torn Burma. Being the hot blooded, war seeking, wild action hero he is he dives right in like so many blood thirsty lunatics before him! No, not really. He tells the dude to fuck off but when his slightly prettier blonde girlfriend says "paaaweeeeeeeaaaaaaaase?" how can he refuse?
Explosions and many many exploding blood-red bodies ensue!


Review: The perfect movie!

I kid you not. Rambo, as we all know, is an 80's action icon so there's two ways that a sequel this far away from the awesomely violent (non pg-13) blood curdling, foul mouthed action films of that era could go.

It could turn itself into a mock-up of itself and play to the inherent humor that lies underneath any super-macho action flick and end up with a bunch of stupid mumbling teens muttering that "Well it was fun but it wasn't as good as Hot Shots!". It would be hilarious and make millions! (And swiftly be forgotten about within a month of it's release)

Or Sly Stallone could say "Live to make an R-rated bloody, fucking serious motherfucker of a sequel, or die (Hard with a vengeance) for nothing!".And that he did!

Let's list the awesome things about this film

• The film was filled with blood flying from every area of anyone's body that it could possibly splatter out from.
• The "plot" and vague hint at any idea of a romance for John Rambo was short-lived and only served (rightfully so) as brief moments in between the carnage with which to catch your breath.
• There were fucking gun fights. Not just gun fights, fucking gun fights. Never have I felt so invigorated when someone was blown into pieces than during some of the battles (Which were more like one sided massacres really)during this film!
• Sometimes, after about a thousand people had been blown up, sliced, stabbed, shot or smashed they would play sad music to give you the sads thus making the movie deep - before getting right back to explosions and gun fights
• It was only 90 minutes long! Definitely something lacking in the modern action flick is the film-makers ability to not jerk it off into a 2 - 2 1/2 hour fucking epic. Action films should be 90 minutes long and no longer! Any longer and it's a piece of trash trying to pass itself off as decent entertainment.

In Short: The only reason to not give this 5 smileys out of 5 is because there was dialogue in the film which frankly, brought me down.


Biggest Positive: The shakespearian quality the film has in that we, the audience, the observers are aware of the inevitability and the fate by which all the characters in the film will fall even before they, the characters, themselves could be aware of such.
(i.e. you know whenever Rambo shows up some fucks are about to get their shit fucked up, son!)


Biggest Negative: Too much romance, not enough human killing.


Trivia: Before this film was filmed there, Burma was a neutral peace-loving country but the film's explosions and gun fights sparked off a civil war that has raged the country for the past 60 years. For this reason Sylvester Stallone was unjustly sought out and captured by the United Nations for crimes against humanity. A crime which he is only partly responsible for. He promptly escaped his maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find him, maybe you can hire Sylvester Stallone.


The Official Rambo Movie Website

Jason X

Fuck this film.

Hellraiser: Bloodline

I fell asleep almost as soon as this started (Due to tiredness, not boredom) and for some reason I feel that was probably for the better
This seemed to be essentially "Pinhead In Space!", which seems rather corny and worth missing to me...

I was rather surprised to learn this is only the fourth in the series though and not "Hellraiser Part 56: We've Really Ran Out Of Ideas"

I wonder if they'll ever make "Freddy In Space"!

(This rating is a complete guess and possibly is giving the film the benefit of the doubt)

A Review By Someone Who Stayed Awake

Shock Treatment

The Rocky Horror picture show was by far one of my favorite (If not, the favorite) films of all time. I've loved it since I was a small child, probably too young to be watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show but there you go...
It has it all! Thrills! Chills! Laughs! Susan Sarandon in leather!
A true classic of a film, no doubt about it and would easily get 5 smiley faces if I ever chose to review it...
I know that many people reading this might be wondering why I'm going on about The Rocky Horror Picture show and I know this because I myself would have wondered, had I read this review a mere week or two ago for you see I, like many of us, was blissfully unaware that The Rocky Horror Picture Show spawned a sequel and it's name was Shock Treatment!

No, no, don't click on the link I only put it there as a hellish temptation.

Some sequels really fuck up the original film.

Some sequels are just so phenomenally God-awful that they take any sort of point that the first film made and take a giant crap all over it.

Some sequels are so mind-numbingly terrible that they make you feel nothing but an enormous amount of pity for the poor saps who were roped into reprising their roles from the original.

Some sequels are so drastically vomitous and pleasure-destroying that merely trying to recall them makes you wish you could rip out your own brain through your ears just to forget they ever plagued your life.

Fortunately, Shock Treatment is so far beyond all that, it is so awful and so despicable that it has thankfully been long since forgotten, allowing The Rocky Horror Picture Show to essentially retro-actively abort it's offspring. Praise the Lord above for the fact that this film is very little known and is rarely, if ever, associated with it's far far superior first.

You want a plot summary? Fine.

It seems Brad and Janet, having completely and miraculously forgotten anything that happened to them in the previous film find themselves in the audience of a strangely unappealing and boring musical gameshow. Having no recollection of the events which preceded them however, seems to have ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNIFICANCE WHATSOEVER, as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happens in this film which has anything to do with the original in any way whatsoever, except that it stars Brad and Janet, both of whom are played by completely different actors. Janet doesn't look a thing like Susan Sarandon and she can't lip-sync for shit

Check it fucking out?!!?

Sure, she looks like she's whispering the correct words but it doesn't look a thing like she's singing them...

Whatever... basically this film has none of the appeal of the original, the songs are cringe-worthy and irrelevant and the whole theme of the film (Something about how Television controls our lives and minds, maybe?) is so completely un-backed up and lost in a mindless bubble of shit-acting and poor singing that what Shock Treatment ended up looking like is a movie, how it would appear, if Uwe Boll decided to remake a Terry Gilliam movie.

Awful.

Save yourselves and don't ever try and seek out this pile of trash as I did...

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Take.. your damn hands.. off her

As is carefully explained on the back of the DVD case, this is the fourth installment in the Friday the 13th series, not the final one as the name might imply. I guess the film-makers didn't know there was going to be five thousand and thirty two sequels after this so they can't really be blamed...

It's pretty hard to review this film since it is in every way identical to every other Friday the 13th film ever made. Seriously, they're all the fucking same!
I'm secretly trying to drudge my way through the series in sequence so I can eventually make my way to "Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan". I mean, how the fuck does that transpire? I'm really curious, but in the mean time I have to sit through parts I - VII...

Only 3 more to go before I hit the motherload!

Anyway, let's focus on the obvious flaws in this film... number one: Crispin Glover was in it and playing someone who wasn't completely awkward.

If Crispin Glover is in your film and he gets laid, you've failed.
Moving on...
Corey Feldman was in this film and wasn't completely awesome!
What?!
It's true... he was this little weedy kid who stayed in his room peeping at boobies and spending way too long making latex masks that didn't really come into play much in the film at all.

Then he shaved his head for no reason.

I' have to admit I'm a bit disappointing in these early editions in the Friday the 13th series (Except for part 1, obviously), the death scenes are really under-emphasized when they should be the main part of these films, and the characters are all detestable... I know some of the later sequels pick up on the death scenes a little so I have that to look forward to.

Anyway, now that Jason's finally really dead (Really, really this time) it'll be interesting to see how they bring him back.

Not really, I already know and of course it's not interesting... half the time he comes back from the dead for no reason at all so I'm not really sure why they feel a need to explain it at all in the next film.

I probably won't review another Friday the 13th until I get to Jason Takes Manhattan. I can't imagine anything interesting is going to happen until then.

Below is the most awesome clip you'll ever see of Crispin Glover dancing in Friday the 13th part IV:



(If you're reading this on Facebook you'll need to click on "view original post" below to see the clip)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

This was basically a romantic comedy with chainsaws. I'm not sure why, but Leatherface seems to have become some likable, misunderstood, retard... a bit like Forrest Gump or something whose only flaw is that he often slices people into tiny pieces with his chainsaw. It's a shame really because with those pretty flashing eyes he could have had a magical career in television.

Anyhow, this film bares little resemblance to the original 1974 film despite it being directed by Tobe Hooper still (I would have assumed it had been hijacked by a new director if I hadn't seen his name pop up) and seems to have been influenced strongly by the horror film series' of the 80s (Friday the 13th, Nightmare On Elm Street etc.) instead of being an influence to them which you could argue the original film was... it makes it a little painful to think about since, in many ways it takes the original and shits all over it. In a bad way.

However, all is not lost because fortunately this film is so different to the original and came out so much later that you can't possibly watch it and actually compare it to the original film. It's more like a remake or something, or a completely different series altogether... which is fortunate because with that in mind it's a very watchable horror film with all the likability and charm that many of the film series of the time had.

Plus it has Dennis Hopper which really adds a few points of film-cred to it's resume.

Anyway, what's my point?

Ah, yes, as a sequel you probably should run outside, find every copy of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and destroy it in any way you can. Seek out Tobe Hooper and hang him from the gallows for destroying his own creation in such a vicious and heartless way.

But as a film on it's own (Which is basically what it is...) it's a reasonable watch and the only thing that could have improved it would be an all-singing all-dancing musical montage near the end. That would have really clynched the deal for me.

There's no way in hell Tobe Hooper is going to have me actually give him any credit for trying to make the Chainsaw a phalic symbol though.

Fuck that shit.

Here's a clip that should have been a direct cut from the film but is unfortunately just an amusing montage of clips someone made:

Mother Of Tears

Basically the plot of Mother Of Tears is simple. It's practically identical to the plot of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone except instead of Harry, there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. Instead of Hagrid there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. Instead of Voldemort there's a sexy dark-haired Italian woman with her tits out. And instead of Dumbledor there's Udo Kier.

A rare clothed moment in Mother Of Tears.

And last but not least, instead of Quidditch matches there are giant lesbian orgies.

Seriously, Witches and lesbianism? That Dario Argento really knows how to push the envelope...



MSN Movie Page on Mother Of Tears

Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!

WHen I were a lad I recalled a Saturday morning cartoon show named "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes"...
... to which this image does not relate. However, around the same time I saw a movie a few times that was pretty much in the style of Airplane or Naked Gun about the aforementioned Killer Tomatoes. I had never seen anything of the movie or the series for many moons until one day my wife and I were perusing the "These movies really suck so we're selling them for a buck" section at a local movie rental store and saw the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes" on sale!
I remember thinking that it looked too old to be the movie I recalled as a child but really, how many movies could there possibly be about these Killer Tomatoes?

Apparently at least two, as I discovered on watching the movie that it was not the movie I recalled but was clearly related to the movie I had seen. The movie I had seen had been a sequel of all things! I dunno why anyone made a sequel, the movie "Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes' was a relatiuvely amusing enough concept but a fairly unfunny film (it had moments), but I do recall that the film I recall was actually rather amusing, so my search continued...

Until just recently when I spotted "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" on sale at Wal-mart!
"There couldn't possibly be three movies about the Killer Tomatoes, could there?", I stupidly thought to myself and snatched up "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" and begun to watch! Only to discover that this was actually a sequel to the movie I had seen!
"There's a fucking Killer Tomato trilogy?!", I hear you scream...
Well, not quite because there is yet another one named "Killer Tomatoes Eat France"

So, four films and a T.V. series and as far as I can tell the only one that was any sort of funny is the one that doesn't seem to be on sale anywhere I go, "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes"

Four films? I mean, really...
Both of the films I've seen (recently) have been relatively funny ideas, but overall very unfunny films with only a few laughable moments...

A great disappointment for my childhood, which eagerly awaits the remake which is comign out next year

Yes, five Killer Tomatoe films will be in existence as of next year (So they say)! Five!!! How do Killer Tomatoes manage to scrape together a fan-base to somehow sustain themselves over five films?

It's because of me, isn't it?
I'm the one sad lonely bastard soul out there buying Killer Tomatoe films in the vain hope of somehow, one day, finding the elusive Killer Tomatoe film I so fondly remmeber from the realms of yester-year...

Lost Boys: The Tribe

I had the amazing good fortune to see long (non) awaited sequel to cult vampire flick The Lost Boys last night!

I think it's important to note that I love The Lost Boys. Every second of it... if I were to review the original Lost Boys here you'd have a 5000 word essay detailing exactly why it's the greatest film ever made and should be awarded every Oscar from every year in every category from now until the end of time (Not really, but I did think it was pretty cool, k?).

That being said you'd think that I would have a deep seeded sense of loathing and detest for anyone who would dare decide to make a sequel.

You'd assume that I would like nothing more than to find the sorry son-of-a-bitch and smother him with a pillow while he sleeps.

You'd also probably think that my absolute rage at their very existence would make me then move on to hunting down every crew member and gutting each and every one of them, one by one... each one getting a death slightly more gruesome than the last...

My blood-lust unsatisfied you may feel that I'd probably then have to seek out the fucking rat bastard who allowed the rights to The Lost Boys name to be sold and made into a sequel.
They would pay the worst of all... you'd assume

And you may have been right! The film was quite abysmal... in fact, I'd stretch to say it was absolutely the worst vampire movie I've ever had the misfortune to witness (And I saw the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie...).
I'd almost consider it torture to my eye balls who were forced to burn the images of The Lost Boys: The Tribe into the back of my retina (or however eyes work).

And yet, even though the film is atrocious on every level...
The plot... wafer thin...
The effects... gory, yet utterly predictable
The boobs... needless and many
There was a glimmer of hope in that the film makers at the very least had the good sense and decency to get Corey Feldman in on the action.
Corey Feldman is by no means a great actor but there is a certain something about him that makes you know that this couldn't possibly be a real sequel to the Lost Boys if he weren't there...
And in spite of his lack of great acting (I'm not saying he can't act at all, in fact he was the best actor in the entire movie, honestly... just he's no Tom Cruise... shit, did I just say that?) Feldman does seem to realize that the only way anyone is going to sit through this absolute shit-pile of a movie is if his character, the surfboard carving vampire killer is the most over-the-top ridiculous character there could possibly be...
Toting ridiculous lines like "Who ordered the stake?" and generally looking a bit like a suburban commando. I have no doubt in my mind that it was Feldman, not the director, who decided his character had to be so ridiculous because the director failed to do anything else right at all...

So I'll give Lost Boys: The Tribe two smiley faces but know this Corey Feldman, both of them are for you...

The Dark Knight

Before reading this review you may want to meander on over to my review of Batman Begins, just for shits and giggles.

While you’re at it you may, before you see the film The Dark Knight, want to see Batman Begins as it seems many people neglected to see the original film before seeing the sequel.

Don’t ask me why but the reason I think it happened is because I have observed many people comment negatively on the deep, raspy, Batman-like voice that Christian Bale uses in the film.

Maybe I’m the only one who was paying attention during Batman Begins (perfectly possible) but I seem to recall this really minor character who was in a couple of scenes whose name I believe was “Batman” who had a very similar deep, raspy, Batman-like voice to the character named “Batman” in the sequel. Strangely I don’t recall anyone really caring about his voice in the original film… So either, I was the only one who noticed that Batman was in the first film in the series or else no-one else actually saw the film because none of the actors died prior to it’s release.

Why so furious?

Yeah I went there.

If you go back to my original review you’ll see that I was looking forward to Heath Ledger playing the Joker before most people even gave a shit that he was in the film.

Yes, yes, you can all bow before me later.

Hell, even when the first shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker was released and all the celeb-blogs were on about how “iffy” the whole thing was and how no-one was sure whether Heath was a good enough actor to pull of the role and Jack Nicholson went on a long-forgotten rant about why no-one but he should ever play the Joker because he’s just so awesome and untouchable I was busy thinking “Hey, Batman Begins was pretty cool and Heath looks pretty damn scary… give him a chance...”

Why so vomitous?

So fuck all you’re necrophelic asses all the way to fuck-town, buddy! I bet Heath will get an Oscar too… fuck that all to hell too. Not that I don’t think he deserved an Oscar. I thought his performance was remarkable and if it was up to me performances such as his (Original, outlandish, energetic. Unlike the usual Oscar winning roles – retarded) would be winning the Oscars every year but I know damn well that people playing the bad guy in superhero movies don’t win Oscars and if he does it’s because Hollywood is as necrophelic as the rest of the world. Did Willem Dafoe win an Oscar for the Green Goblin? No. But maybe he would have if he died before the film came out… ridonkulous, no?

Why so ridiculous?

Point is Batman’s voice isn’t annoying, it’s Batman-like.

Heath Ledger’s death shouldn’t have affected people’s perception of this film, before or after seeing it.

Christian Bale may be a mother beater, a baby eater, a dog fiddler, a drug smuggler, an international mob boss and an evil scientist hell-bent on the destruction of the human race but he is an excellent actor.

Thus concludes my review… wait, I didn’t actually say anything about the film, did I?

Why so insidious?

Fuck it…

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

Call me olf-fashioned, stuck in the mud or just plain boring but I'm of the school of thought that still believes that when making a film, no matter how lame people are already going to presume it is, it's a good idea to let people see what's happening.

I mean, surely that's the point in "motion pictures", isn't it? Otherwise it's just a radio show with a funny flashing screen...

I must be wrong though because this movie's screen was pitch black for a good third of it. Granted, you could see an occasional shining of light or a vaguest of vague shadow of something possibly moving in the dark, maybe, but not really enough to make it even in the slightest bit possible for you to tell what's actually going on.

And since the Alien nor the Predator can actually speak, all that accompanies this perpetual darkness for much of the film is some gurgling grunts and screeches while the Alien/Predator (Because at most points in the film you can't even tell which of the two fuckers is actually doing anything) go about doing whatever it is they're doing in the dark.

Ironic (or just retarded) that the scenes which are most illuminated are those featuring humans who, in case you hadn't noticed, didn't appear in the title of the movie. Humans who, in case you hadn't guessed, you can't give two shits about and feel they should just be there for cannon fodder. So why light up these boring fucks and have the scenes involving the only interesting looking things in the film be shrouded in complete darkness?

Well, I don't fucking know but that's why this film gets just one smiley face.

Saw IV

Saw IV is exactly what SawIII should have been (if, indeed it "should" have been anything, perhaps the whole Saw Franchise shouldn't be a franchise at all, hmm?), it was better than Saw II by a long ways and I'm pretending for the moment that I live in a happy, joyful world where Saw III did not exist in it's current form and was instead, this film.

It was an excellent conclusion to the "story" of Jigsaw and managed to wrap up things nicely, including some things you thought were already wrapped up! The horror!

It delves into Jigsaw's past and why he does what he does very well, without over-doing it and it does a very good job of making sure that at the same time as preaching about why he did what he did, we're still kept very much in the present and engrossed in the current situation.
Otherwise this could have edged on being a prequel which would be aimless and unnecessary.

There are a few too many "fancy"cuts from one scene to the next. It's like the director just learned some fancy camera shifting techniques and really went to school trying them out on this movie, but thankfully it doesn't ruin the film to any major degree.

The best thing about this Saw, as opposed to Saw III and Saw II is that, although it does have a twist at the end, it does not try too hard to have a huge "Oh My Fucking GOD" twist ending, like II and III had. Both those films endings made me want to grab the Director by the throat and castrate him slowly. Better yet, I'd force him to castrate himself, in order to survive some sort of complicated mechanical trapping device that's attached to his balls and will slice his head off when the timer reaches zero if he can't manage to cut his own balls off in time. That's teach the bastard.
I still want to do that to the director even though he somewhat redeemed himself with Saw IV.
It would just be fitting, no?
This film instead had a little "Oh! Well fancy that!" twist much like the original Saw. Which does make you rethink the whole film but does not feel a need to spend 10 minutes explaining the twist to you in case you didn't get it the first time, thank you Saw III!!!!

So anyway, let's all just forget Saw III ever happened and call this movie Saw III shall we?
In fact while we're at it let's drop off Saw II as well, because it was pretty lame itself.
While we're at it, let's face the facts and admit to ourselves that no matter how much better Saw IV was to the previous two movies, it is paler than pale in comparison to the original Saw, which was frankly a work of genius and would have remained that way if some arsehole hadn't come along with the ol' sequel-agenda.

I'm beginning to think that the only reason I actually enjoyed Saw IV to any degree was because it was watched on the same day I learned of Michael Bay's insidious lust to make a Nightmare On Elm Street remake, thus making Saw IV the highlight of the day by comparison!

Seriously, think about Michael Bay destroying yet another classic movie, then go watch some tripe of a film and let me know if you end up enjoying it, purely because of the comparative brilliance.

Nonetheless, I enjoyed the film reasonably and for the reasons I listed so I shall still give Saw IV...

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End

There are some movies that are so hyped up that when you end up seeing them you're only deeply and sourly disappointed.
Other movies, however, get so hyped up that you automatically assume that they're going to suck goat-ass, then when you go to see them they're a thankful relief and you find that, for once, all the hype was for something!
This movie was thankfully one of the latter! I had heard so much about how brilliant it was, and how Johnny Depp was more amazing than ever, and how it was Disney so it must be good and it had that bloke from the Office in it, etc etc that I figured it was going to be a major fucking shit-fest, however was pleasantly surprised to find that Johnny Depp not only managed to salvage some life out of a part that had clearly been written by an Irish village drunk, but actually made him an enjoyable and brilliantly animated character. I never thought this would be a Depp performance to remember, but was proven wrong.
Even Keira Knightley wasn't as obnoxious as usual and her role was kept to a bare minimum.
It was superbly directed, with some awesome sword fights, great acting all round (even from Mr "I Might As Well Still Be Playing That Fucking Queer Elf" Bloom) and the cinematography was fairly amazing! I'm glad they didn't fall into that fucking pit of cinema where a lot of ship battle sequences are set at night time where you can't figure out what's going on for shit... if the film had contained those sort of sequences...

Oh wait, this was a review of the first Pirates Of The Caribbean.

No no no, Pirates Of The Caribbean: At Worlds End was a fucking miserable waste of 2 hours and 49 minutes of my life. The "legendary" Jack Sparrow was flaunted on screen as much as possible in the grim hope that Johnny Depp could somehow make a scene interesting just by standing there looking drunk. We are forced to follow a plot that we already gave up on in the last movie.
The worst character in the whole fucking film (Ms. Swan) is, for some inexplicable reason given a larger, more important role, with more lines and screen time, because God knows that what I was thinking while I watched the other two films was "Oh God, this film is pretty good but I wish they'd let the obnoxious fucking English stuck-up bitch have a little more screen time, that would make my FUCKING DAY!"
Seriously, the first Pirates Of The Caribbean was good. Better than good! On it's own and without the sequels tarnishing it, it was a great family action flick!
The second one was dragging in places but still entertaining in it's own way...
The third one should be burned.

Hostel 2

Hostel: Part II

Wrong Turn 2

If you...














Are thinking...














Of Watching...














This film...














DON'T!



It doesn't even deserve a genuine clip or even a clip pretending it's from the film.
Seriously. This film was fucking aweful.

28 Weeks Later

The movie 28 Days Later was the first horror film I actually took the time to sit down and enjoy, before that I was of the opinion that horror films were kind of lame and zombie films were especially so (having never seen any but being put of by the dull premise), that all changed when I went to see 28 Days Later by chance... this may make it sound like I'm in complete awe of 28 Days Later but that's only marginally true, I think it's an awesome movie. Well acted, well directed, well written, great soundtrack... I'm indebted to it for getting me into the genre I now enjoy frequently. Anyway, for this reason I was quite looking forward to the DVD release of

28 WEEKS LATER

I was waiting for the DVD release because it's a lot of effort to go to the cinema and unless we really need to see a movie (like Grindhouse! duh!) then it isn't worth it, and although 28 Days Later was such a great movie in my eyes, I didn't expect as much from a sequel. I'm thankful that I didn't expect too much because really it just followed the same theme outlines as the first one, which I'll explain in the rest of my review which will, as usualy, contain spoilers: The sequence of events was identical to the first movie in that first everyone's in danger, and more importantly, most people are dead, mid-way into the movie we are shown that everyone's safe thanks to the military guys! Soon after that we find that "Oh no, the military are actually the ones to be afraid of!". The only difference is that in this one you expected everything to go wrong despite the strong military presence, whereas in the first one there wasn't any real indication of what was going to go wrong and you didn't necessarily think it was going to go wrong for sure... is this review followable or am I just typing to myself here? I'm pretty sure I'm just incoherently typing nonsense... oh well, moving on to the soundtrack then I'll finish. I've heard a few people commend this movie on an excellent soundtrack! I'd agree if it were not for the fact that as far as I could tell it was the exact same music as the first film! Not that there's anything wrong with that, it is a sequel after all, but it's not like I watched Halloween 3 and thought "Oh what an original and fitting soundtrack!", no! Because it's the same as the first one! Anyway, the only gripes I have about this film are to do with it just being a run-of-the-mill sequel to the first film. I guess I had hoped the 28 Days Later sequel would be one of those rare sequels that in some ways surpasses the original in many ways, but it did not. The one thing I thought stood out as good about this movie is that in all the trailers we see that Robert Carlyle is the main character and it's a genuine shock when he's infected pretty early on! Bam! That's all.

Halloween III

Hey, did you know this film shares nothing in common with the rest of the Halloween series (the ones I've seen so far anyway) at all? Because I sure didn't... I have a plan to watch all the Halloween films before Halloween since I've only seen the first 2 (first 3 now) so I got this little gem off NetFlix. So, this film does not have Michael Myers in it. It does not have Jamie Lee Curtis in it (except a brief phone message cameo, maybe) It does not follow the plot of the previous two movies In fact, the only things linking this to the first two Halloween movies are:

• It's title

• It has a clip from the first Halloween in it on TV

Yes, that's right, the plot of this movie is so far removed from the original Halloween that the original Halloween can be seen to be a work of fiction even within it. Did some idiot director think "Hey, the first Friday the 13th didn't even have Jason in it, maybe I can make a Halloween sequel that not only doesn't have Michael Myers in it but has absolutely no relation to it's predecessors!" or is it a case of a writer who had an idea for a story but when he went to a production company the following conversation happened: Writer: I have an idea for a movie! It takes place on Halloween... Producer: Great! We're looking for a sequel to Halloween! Writer: No... uh... my movie is only based on the day Halloween, not the movie... Producer: I'm pretty sure that makes it a sequel... Writer: But my movie is called "Revenge Of The Irish Mobsters Who Sell Cryptic Masks To People And Send Weird Men In Plain Suits To Kill People And Spark An Investigation By An Alcoholic Doctor And A Dipshit Looking Girl"? Producer: Sounds like a subtitle. How does "Halloween III" sound? Writer: Well... I guess... as long as it's still a subtitle... Producer: Yes, but instead of "Revenge Of The Irish Mobsters Who Sell Cryptic Masks To People And Send Weird Men In Plain Suits To Kill People And Spark An Investigation By An Alcoholic Doctor And A Dipshit Looking Girl", we'll call it"Season Of The Witch"! Writer: What? Seriously! If this movie has been a standalone movie, it would have been poor. But as a sequel to Halloween, it's a real fucking disaster.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)

This was, obviously, a sequel to the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. It was not, as far as I can tell, a remake of The Hills Have Eyes Part II from 1985, which was a sequel to the original Hills Have Eyes, but followed a different story (From what I read, I haven't seen The Hills Have Eyes part II (1985)). The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007) follows a group of morons who decide to wander into the desert because the army told them to, or something. Despite having a very similar title to The Hills Have Eyes (Similar to both the 1977 title and the 2006 title, which were both very similar to each other also) The Hills Have Eyes 2 (Not part II) differs from it's predecessor(s?) in a few key ways.

First my thoughts on the original (remake. The original remake from 2006, not 77, k?)
Upon watching The Hills Have Eyes I was fairly surprised at what a good remake it was, in this day and age it's common to see a film that's a rendition or remake or sequel to something fairly awesome only to discover the filmmakers have taken it in a ridiculous and vomitous direction away from the original ideas and into a steaming pile of turd. The Hills Have Eyes did a great job remaking the classic '77 version, keeping most of the elements that made it both brutal and entertaining, while changing just enough to make it also likable by a modern audience. Note that I say "also", the filmmakers seemed to make sure that it also appealed greatly to fans of the original.

Upon watching The Hills Have Eyes 2 I realized it sucked ass

The Hills Have Eyes wisely chose a director who had at least shown once (with Haute Tension) how grizzly he could make on screen violence

The Hills Have Eyes 2 chose someone who sucked ass (Directed a KoRn video)

The Hills Have Eyes was gripping enough to keep you in a fairly tense mood throughout and actually managed to make you feel some sort of empathy for the main characters much like older horror films so that the audience is, to some degree, genuinely fearful for what may become of them, not just hoping they all snuff it in interesting ways. Indeed, I do believe that it was far more empowering when the good guys were taking out the bad guys than the other way round, which is something I think is important, but sadly almost always lacking, in horror films but seems to be common in Wes Craven's works (Wes Craven wrote and directed the original Hills Have Eyes).

The Hills Have Eyes 2 sucked ass

Look at this trailer!

I remember seeing it and thinking: "Awesome, they're making a new one and it looks like they're trying to make it creepy and cool"
But hey! That scene isn't in the film
Those people aren't in the film
That music isn't in the film
Unlike the first one, they didn't even attempt to use vaguely cool (different, new, interesting) music, opting instead for a nu-metal sound track
Fuck this film
Fuck it right in the ear

The Hills Have Eyes Official Website (Includes the sequel)