Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Lost Boys: The Tribe

I had the amazing good fortune to see long (non) awaited sequel to cult vampire flick The Lost Boys last night!

I think it's important to note that I love The Lost Boys. Every second of it... if I were to review the original Lost Boys here you'd have a 5000 word essay detailing exactly why it's the greatest film ever made and should be awarded every Oscar from every year in every category from now until the end of time (Not really, but I did think it was pretty cool, k?).

That being said you'd think that I would have a deep seeded sense of loathing and detest for anyone who would dare decide to make a sequel.

You'd assume that I would like nothing more than to find the sorry son-of-a-bitch and smother him with a pillow while he sleeps.

You'd also probably think that my absolute rage at their very existence would make me then move on to hunting down every crew member and gutting each and every one of them, one by one... each one getting a death slightly more gruesome than the last...

My blood-lust unsatisfied you may feel that I'd probably then have to seek out the fucking rat bastard who allowed the rights to The Lost Boys name to be sold and made into a sequel.
They would pay the worst of all... you'd assume

And you may have been right! The film was quite abysmal... in fact, I'd stretch to say it was absolutely the worst vampire movie I've ever had the misfortune to witness (And I saw the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie...).
I'd almost consider it torture to my eye balls who were forced to burn the images of The Lost Boys: The Tribe into the back of my retina (or however eyes work).

And yet, even though the film is atrocious on every level...
The plot... wafer thin...
The effects... gory, yet utterly predictable
The boobs... needless and many
There was a glimmer of hope in that the film makers at the very least had the good sense and decency to get Corey Feldman in on the action.
Corey Feldman is by no means a great actor but there is a certain something about him that makes you know that this couldn't possibly be a real sequel to the Lost Boys if he weren't there...
And in spite of his lack of great acting (I'm not saying he can't act at all, in fact he was the best actor in the entire movie, honestly... just he's no Tom Cruise... shit, did I just say that?) Feldman does seem to realize that the only way anyone is going to sit through this absolute shit-pile of a movie is if his character, the surfboard carving vampire killer is the most over-the-top ridiculous character there could possibly be...
Toting ridiculous lines like "Who ordered the stake?" and generally looking a bit like a suburban commando. I have no doubt in my mind that it was Feldman, not the director, who decided his character had to be so ridiculous because the director failed to do anything else right at all...

So I'll give Lost Boys: The Tribe two smiley faces but know this Corey Feldman, both of them are for you...



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