Sunday, December 6, 2009

Thankskilling


Cast:
Lance Predmore, Lindsey Anderson, Ryan Francis, Aaron Carlson, Natasha Cordova, Chuck "The Dead Body Guy (Whatever that means?)" Lamb, General Bastard, Wanda Lust (This movie isn't a porno but I can't speak for other movies Ms. Lust has been in... it's possible she just got born with an unfortunately provocative name! And an unfortunately ironic tendency to show up in films with her tits out for no apparent reason... hmm...), Terry Reagan, Jessica Rees, Pat Love.

I know I usually list only a couple of people in the film but, well, I just felt this movie needed special attention.


Synopsis: Normally I write my own synopsis of the movies I review but since this movie is a particular gem I've decided to post the synopsis the film-makers have on their website...

"An evil turkey is unleashed…and he’s one “fowl” mouthed bastard! Five college kids heading home for Thanksgiving break cross paths with the turkey, who’s possessed by an ancient Indian curse. In this hilariously gory spoof, the teens must stop the maniac bird before he kills them all!"

That's right. A killer turkey... I posted their synopsis so that you didn't think I was making this up as some sort of cruel prank.


Review: The fact that this movie's very first shot is a close up of someone's tit and is immediately followed by a rather unconvincing hand-puppet turkey cackling while waving a hand axe around at the tit's owner gives you some idea about how seriously the viewer should take this film which is just as well because if I had begun thinking the film-makers were going to try and somehow make a killer turkey into any amount of a serious film I'd have been bitterly bitterly dissapointed. Instead the audience knows from the getgo that this is not in any way a film to be taken seriously and the film makers are aware of it so it's okay to laugh at the film and not feel bad!

Huzzah!

It wouldn't have stopped me laughing at it... I've seen some God-awful movies (See: anything by Bill Zebub) and laughed hysterically at how mind-numbingly terrible they are - hell, half the time it's better than watching a well-made, perfectly scripted snore-fest really but there's always a little less guilt when you know the people making the film wouldn't be crying on the inside to know you were enjoying the hilarity of their movie more than the horror (Unless I totally missed the point and have turned the film makers suicidal by my scathing words. In which case, I'd like to apologize... but won't).

Basically it's a fun little horror film. While making a mockery of the wise-cracking ridiculous bad guys we often see in slasher flicks, it manages to be a half-way decent slasher itself. Although the plot is as thin as the budget must have been, the film has been made with full knowledge that when you try and make an entirely serious horror film with a budget of $2 you end up churning out some utter unwatchable shit (Or a Lucio Fulci film, at best) so far better to make a cheesey script with a bunch of awkward comedy (A turkey actually "stuffs" a girl from behind... if you know what I mean? ... yeah, I mean it fucks her... it's a really awakard moment and I'd like to point out once more that this really really isn't a porno film. Honest!)!

Really a film about a killer turkey couldn't have been made better... if it had been more serious it would have made me vomit and if it had been less serious... well, that wouldn't have been possible. They really bottomed out on the seriousness! That's a good thing though, remember that when you decide to make a film about a killer Easter Bunny or some shit...


In Short: I'd put a cunning little Thanksgiving themed pun about being "stuffed full of gore" or "leaves you wanting seconds... or thirds!" or "so good you have to unbuckle your belt and go into a food coma with an Uncle you haven't spoken to all year"(?) but they'd all be redundant since the movie itself stole all the good ones, leaving we humble reviewers out in the dark, frankly. Fuck it.


Biggest Positive: The jokes about JonBenet Ramsay. Who knew there could be an appropriate medium for such terribly inappropriate jokes?


Biggest Negative: Well, let's face it, the hand puppet is about as convincing as a plastic dinosaur at the bottom of a cereal box.


Trivia: This movie is based, word for word, on a scroll found at the site of the very first thanksgiving. How they knew about JonBenet Ramsay back then is anyone's guess...





Sunday, November 15, 2009

Troll 2


Cast: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy


Synopsis: A family decides to high-tail it to the country in a bizarrely 'ahead of it's time' kind of plot (I hear people actually do this these days thanks to Craigslist) where the city dwelling family Waits swap homes for a period of time with a bunch of brainless country livin' hicks living in the suspiciously named town of Nilbog! Unfortunately for them the entire population is run by Goblins who try to make humans eat their delicious looking booger-covered green plastic food so that they can become half-human half-plant beings which are obviously Goblins favorite foods!

Really makes you wonder about how creatures like the Goblin evolved to like the taste of such a very specific and extremely non-existant food source, doesn't it? I mean when did they first dicover that was their food of choice? When the Goblin queen just decided on a whim to bake up a batch of "turn them into plant" muffins just to see what might happen if they devoured the bloody bark-like flesh of the Plant People? Perhaps they happened upon a man who had covered himself in bark and leaves, consumed him and discovered it was good but not perfect and so set about concucting a weird complex way to somehow merge the seemingly unmergable and create the ultimate snack! Bizarrely enough, it seems that not only is it their favorite food but they've also sort of gotten sick of eating anything that isn't a man-plant hybrid. Well, it's no wonder you don't see many Goblins around anymore, is it?

In case you're wondering how this bizarre plot becomes revealed to our young rapscallion hero (Because obviosuly the Goblins wouldn't take time ot explain all this to them, that would kind of put them off eating the already disgusting looking dishes they prepare) it's quite simple. You see, the young man's grandfather passed away recently and his ghost is using his time walking the realms of non-existance, haunting the young Waits boy by telling him crazy Goblin stories, hiding from his parents so that they think the boy's nuts, helping him set fires and largely being a bit of an incomprehensible dickhead. Makes perfect sense to me!


One man's reaction to this film.


Review: I've been putting off this review because it's fucking Troll 2! It's one of the most renowned bad films of all time and I really don't think I can add any humor, wit or charm to it at all above what the internet (and this documentary) already has.

Instead, I'm going to go continue to hide under a pillow in my closet until a more sensible film comes around and I can sufficiently gather my thoughts enough to form opinions.

thank you.

I will say this though, the story between the boy and his Grandfather (especially the scene where Grandad hands him a molotov cocktail) could have been the plot of an awesome sinister version of Drop Dead Fred!


"You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"


In Short: Too much Goblins, not enough dead Grandads.


Biggest Positive: The acting by the father in the Waits family, or perhaps just the script. It's like he's just opening his mouth and letting whatever words he can best remember come spilling out!


Biggest Negative: In spite of the name of the film, and it's predescessor (The aptly named "Troll") this film is about Goblins, not trolls. Not even a single Troll shows up. I guess it doesn't make much difference really, since arguably they weren't Trolls or Goblins, just midgets in potatoe sacks.


Trivia: No. No trivia. You go home now.





Saturday, November 7, 2009

Troll


Cast: Noah Hathaway, Jenny Beck, Phil Fondacaro


Synopsis: The Potter family move into an apartment building only to find a Troll from the basement is rebuilding his ancient troll army by consuming the tenants with his magic ring and turning them into weird tree people.

Meanwhile the thousand year old witch living upstairs turns out to be an ex-princess troll-hunter. Good thing too!


Review: Well! What a movie! It had it all. Bad acting, poor effects, bad acting, shitty directing, bad acting and a main character named Harry Potter (Quite evidently the entire Harry Potter franchise owes the makers of Troll a good few billion dollars worth of copyright money! Pay up J.K!)!

The thing is this movie has a sequel (the appropriately named "Troll 2" which is currently on my T.V. since we got the double feature through NetFlix which will get it's own shitty review after this one) which is allegedly the worst movie ever made so it's definitely something to look forward to but while watching Troll with it's absolutely appalling... everything, you have to think to yourself... will I survive Troll 2? I mean, this movie had nothing going for it at all. Nothing!

Well I can only imagine that where Troll was just bad... just plain awful and maybe what Troll 2 has going for it is being so incredibly bad that it's funny (a la Manos: The Hands Of Fate!).
Let's hope so...


In Short: This film sucked. Avoid at all costs. I'll let you know if Troll 2 is worth the effort once I've seen it.


Biggest Positive: Harry Potter's dad dancing around like he was having an epileptic fit to awful 80's pop-rock.


Biggest Negative: From what I've seen of Troll 2 so far, the biggest negative in the first Troll is the fact that the main character didn't have an imaginary dead Grandpa friend to talk to like the kid in the sequel seems to.


Trivia: This movie was made purely so that there could be a sequel made for strange ironic humorists to follow like a bizarre cult 20 years after it was made.


Troll's Wikipedia page


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Rambo (2008)


Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz


Synopsis: We find a somewhat retired looking Rambo hunting for king cobras in the wild plains of Thailand and selling them to some creepy underground snake-fighting pen (as you do) when suddenly and without warning a gimpy bald guy asks him to lead him and his group of bible bashers into the midst of a war-torn Burma. Being the hot blooded, war seeking, wild action hero he is he dives right in like so many blood thirsty lunatics before him! No, not really. He tells the dude to fuck off but when his slightly prettier blonde girlfriend says "paaaweeeeeeeaaaaaaaase?" how can he refuse?
Explosions and many many exploding blood-red bodies ensue!


Review: The perfect movie!

I kid you not. Rambo, as we all know, is an 80's action icon so there's two ways that a sequel this far away from the awesomely violent (non pg-13) blood curdling, foul mouthed action films of that era could go.

It could turn itself into a mock-up of itself and play to the inherent humor that lies underneath any super-macho action flick and end up with a bunch of stupid mumbling teens muttering that "Well it was fun but it wasn't as good as Hot Shots!". It would be hilarious and make millions! (And swiftly be forgotten about within a month of it's release)

Or Sly Stallone could say "Live to make an R-rated bloody, fucking serious motherfucker of a sequel, or die (Hard with a vengeance) for nothing!".And that he did!

Let's list the awesome things about this film

  • The film was filled with blood flying from every area of anyone's body that it could possibly splatter out from.
  • The "plot" and vague hint at any idea of a romance for John Rambo was short-lived and only served (rightfully so) as brief moments in between the carnage with which to catch your breath.
  • There were fucking gun fights. Not just gun fights, fucking gun fights. Never have I felt so invigorated when someone was blown into pieces than during some of the battles (Which were more like one sided massacres really)during this film!
  • Sometimes, after about a thousand people had been blown up, sliced, stabbed, shot or smashed they would play sad music to give you the sads thus making the movie deep - before getting right back to explosions and gun fights
  • It was only 90 minutes long! Definitely something lacking in the modern action flick is the film-makers ability to not jerk it off into a 2 - 2 1/2 hour fucking epic. Action films should be 90 minutes long and no longer! Any longer and it's a piece of trash trying to pass itself off as decent entertainment.

In Short: The only reason to not give this 5 smileys out of 5 is because there was dialogue in the film which frankly, brought me down.


Biggest Positive: The shakespearian quality the film has in that we, the audience, the observers are aware of the inevitability and the fate by which all the characters in the film will fall even before they, the characters, themselves could be aware of such.
(i.e. you know whenever Rambo shows up some fucks are about to get their shit fucked up, son!)


Biggest Negative: Too much romance, not enough human killing.


Trivia: Before this film was filmed there, Burma was a neutral peace-loving country but the film's explosions and gun fights sparked off a civil war that has raged the country for the past 60 years. For this reason Sylvester Stallone was unjustly sought out and captured by the United Nations for crimes against humanity. A crime which he is only partly responsible for. He promptly escaped his maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find him, maybe you can hire Sylvester Stallone.


The Official Rambo Movie Website


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

House By The Cemetery


Cast: Catriona McColl, Paolo Malco, Giovanni Frezza, Ania Pieroni's amazing caterpillar eyebrows.


Synopsis: A New York couple move into a house in New England which is, as one might guess, not next to a cemetery at all... what? Well a cemetery at least plays a role in the film but I fail to see why this film wasn't called "House With A Cemetery Within Walking Distance". Whatever. Killings ensue blah blah.


Review: While it's true that the acting is pretty awful, the unnecessary close ups of people's eyes are pointless at worst and shaky at best and the child in the film is so obnoxious that you're wishing death upon him as soon as you see his smug little albino-looking chops enter the screen, if you're looking for a film with the longest, most drawn out, gory, bat killing sequence in cinema history then look no further than The House By The Cemetery!


In Short:
This movie was directed by Lucio Fulci which means it's both great and awful at the same time. The plot is wafer thin but the gore is fairly abundant.


Biggest Positive: The gore, quite clearly was the most redeeming feature of this film...


Biggest Negative: Everything that wasn't gory.


Trivia: This film was shot in less than two minutes and in five different languages.

A Review of House By The Cemetery by someone who possibly gives a flying fuck about actually reviewing things properly

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Repo! The Genetic Opera



Cast: Alex Vega, Anthony Stewart Head, Paris Hilton, Paul Sorvino


Synopsis: In a dark future where organ transplants have become both a necessity and a fashion accessory, a corrupt government legalizes the repossession of organs by those people who can't make their payments to the ever twisted GeneCo. the proclaimed 'Savior of Humanity'. The grizzly fate of harvesting people's organs is left to one man - The Repo Man. Who has his own unforgiving tale to tell... and for some bizarre reason everyone in the future sings all the time about every single thing ever.


Review: WTF?


Biggest Positive: As far as original ideas for films go they don't come much better than this, both the plot and the concept are fairly original at least in cinema these days...


Biggest Negative: After not too long it does get a little bit grating hearing people sing about everything. I mean, everything. The weather. Breakfast. (I know, I know, it's an opera what did I expect? I'm just saying - maybe I'm not an opera-guy)

Trivia: This film was nominated for five hundred Oscars including 'Best Operatic Piece Starring Paris Hilton Based In A Neon-Dark Future'

Repo! The Genetic Opera's website

Friday, August 21, 2009

Plan 9 From Outer Space (RiffTrax Special Event)



Cast: Some dudes from RiffTrax and 3 Different Bela Lugosi's.


Synopsis: RiffTrax is a format in which you pay money to watch an incredibly bad movie while three guys talk over it making snarky comments. Plan 9 From Outer Space is basically the worst movie ever and the commentary is therefore about 57.6% more snarky than usual. Why do grown well-thinking people spend money to watch something awful while some weird people ruin the movie, you ask? Well, I guess you have to be there...

Review: Can I really review this? I mean, do I review the film itself or do I review the RiffTrax guys commentary on it? Do I review the surprise appearance by Mr. Jonathan Coulton? Or do I review the amazingly awful (in a good way) 'sponsor' videos from Something Awful? Or do I just ask a bunch of questions about who I should review and not actually really say a damn thing about it?

Yeah, that sounds good.


In Short: RiffTrax are awesome and, while I wish they were still using little robot puppets to make their commentary, they are still it seems equally as amusing as MST3K. We recently purchased their RiffTrax DVD release for Night Of The Living Dead, so you can look forward to a review of that as griping and informative as this one.


Biggest Positive: All things of the evening combined (The audience, the movie, the slightly confusing yet mildly intriguing 'O' faces Jonathan Coulton makes when he reaches high notes), I basically felt like I was right in the middle of "Giant Nerd-Fest 2009".


Biggest Negative: All things of the evening combined (The audience, the movie, the way that a nose flute has never been so masterfully used during a screening of an Ed Wood movie - at least this year), I basically felt like I was right in the middle of "Giant Nerd-Fest 2009".


Trivia: Bela Lugosi is still alive and living in the back of your fridge behind that potatoe salad you just won't throw away.




www.rifftrax.com/


Monday, August 3, 2009

The Tripper


Cast: Lukas Haas, Jaime King, Paul Reubens, Jason Mewes


Synopsis:
A bunch of hippies gather in a forest in California for an annual "free love" music festival but little do they know an old enemy of the hippy lifestyle is hunting them down, one by one...


Review: I'm glad this movie had the balls to paint an accurate picture of Ronald Reagan as an axe wielding, hippy slaughtering, mass murdering maniac!

I have a new found respect for David Arquette (who directed this) because I had no idea that he had any opinions until I watched this movie.


In Short: Just say maybe!


Biggest Positive: The definition of 'The Trickle Down Effect' as "When one big asshole goes crazy and the whole world goes to shit"


Biggest Negative: The music over the end credits got a little bit preachy. The rest of the film was just amusing.


Trivia: Ronald Reagan, politically speaking, was a bit of a tool - in spite of what you might hear elsewhere.


The Tripper's MySpace Page







Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Requiem For A Dream


Cast: Jared Leto, Marlon Wayans, Ellen Burstyn, Jennifer Connelly


Synopsis: Drugs. Something about drugs.


Review: Having seen this film I realize that what I love most of all about Jared Leto is the fact that any film I've ever seen him in at some point ends up with him being fucked over severely, beaten to hell or viciously slaughtered with a hand axe.


In Short: That review wasn't short enough for you?

"I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the heroin that you have stolen."


Biggest Positive: I think I already went over the whole "Jared Leto gets fucked" thing.


Biggest Negative: I have seen more of Jennifer Connelly than I ever needed to see...


Trivia: This film was a 5 minute short film until they pulled an arty-director out to fill the film with weird close-ups of eyeballs and bizarre imagery that doesn't make sense.


Requiem For A Dream's Website - (it really is it's site, even though initially it might look like spam)


The Crow


Cast: Brandon Lee, Rochelle Davis, Ernie Hudson


Synopsis: A hipster goth-like musician and his girlfriend are killed in a brutal needless murder but luckily for goths everywhere a magical crow decided that it would be cool to bring back the lanky hippy from the dead to seek revenge on his killers (apparently every other horrific murder in history doesn't matter to the magical crow and only people who look cool in white make up and a trench coat can be brought back from the dead.). Madness ensues.


Review: For years random people have been astounded when I tell them I haven't ever seen The Crow. Their heads fall back on themselves, their eyes bug out and some have even melted into a pool of their own self-loathing right in front of me. The reason, I always assumed, is because I used to have long vaguely curly hair, wear a big ol' leather trench coat and could be found occasionally wearing dark make up and leaping from building to building seeking my revenge on criminal underworlds so it seemed like a surprise when I hadn't seen the movie on which it might have seemed I based my entire existence... or so I thought! Until at work, where I wear a uniform and am not allowed to wear make up or kill people, a co-worker who hasn't seen me out of work expressed the exact same exasperation that I "of all people" had not seen The Crow. Thinking there must be something to this I decided (Was given a copy of The Crow by said co-worker and told if I didn't watch it he'd hunt me down and kill me) to finally get around to watching The Crow.

Having now seen it I realize now that when people said that I "had to see The Crow" what they actually meant was "You look like an obnoxious prick who likes shitty vaguely dark over-hyped movies that are only popular because someone died during filming".

Bummer.


In Short: Between this and Reservoir Dogs I realize that when everybody in the world says you need to see a movie it actually means "This movie sucks but everyone likes it because it's edgy without being close enough to the edge to be interesting!"


Biggest Positive: Heath Ledger clearly took some notes from this film, threw out all the shit and amplified the few decent parts a billion times to play the Joker. Then he died too, so it goes to show you should never ever do anything to associate yourself with this film, ever.


Biggest Negative: The hype behind this film is it's hugest flaw. I hope my review paints a picture of a truly awful film so that if you haven't seen the film and you finally do you'll maybe finish saying "Well, it wasn't that bad..."


Trivia: In an inronic twist of fate, exactly one year after his death Brandon Lee was still dead.

The Crow's Loft - fan page

Monday, July 13, 2009

No Country For Old Men


Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Javier Berdem


Synopsis: Josh Brolin find a stash of money amongst a bunch of dead Mexican drug lords, meanwhile Javier Bardem is killing people with an air powered cattle-killy thing, meanwhile Tommy Lee Jones is mumbling incoherently about nothing in particular, meanwhile Kelly MacDonald is talking about something I can't quite listen to because I'm too busy thinking "You're Scottish. Where has your accent been in the last 2 films I've seen you in?", meanwhile I just discovered that the guy that played the Deputy Sherrif (Garret Dillahunt) was Krug in "The Last House On The Left" who incidentally, in that film not this one, looked a bit like Josh Brolin, who in the meantime is sort of meandering about his business trying to hide with the money while meanwhile, Javier Bardem kills more people. Somehow all these people's plots are all about the same thing in the same movie...


Review: Why is it that every Coen brothers film I've seen has a plot that if you were to tell it to someone (e.g. "There's Mexican drug lords and Josh Brolin steals their money after they all die in a mass shoot-out but Javier Bardem plays this guy who needs that money and will stop at nothing to kill everyone in his path to get to it! Then a hired assassin shows up to kill either Josh, Javier or both! And the cops are hot on Javier's trail the whole way but can't quite get him as he gets closer and closer to catching Josh Brolin!") they'd think the film would be full of car chases, epic gun battles and multiple budget-busting explosions (There is one in this film but it's hardly Bay-esque!) but in reality the Coen brothers tend to make the film just about a bunch of slightly eccentric ugly people saying weird shit?


In Short:
Too much romance, not enough human killing


Biggest Positive: "Would you hold still, please, sir..."


Biggest Negative: Not enough on screen violence. Is that wrong?


No Country For Old Men website


Trivia: 50 people died of boredom in early screenings of this film so the Coen brothers has to trim a half-hour long sequence of Josh Brolin watching an entire episode of Jeoporday in real-time and complete silence.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Duck


Cast: Philip Baker Hall, Larry Cedar, Various Ducks, That guy from "Third Rock From The Sun" with the squinty eyes.


Synopsis: Becky said it was my choice for what film we watched so I scrolled down the various selections on NetFlix's instant viewer website..
Terminator? Nah
Blade Runner? Nah
Batman? Nah (This little Tim Burton classic was vetoed by Becky actually! For shame! Or whatever...)

Oh, a tale about a duck who mistakes some old dude for his mother? Perfect!


Review: This film is very dual-themed. On one hand we have the lonely tale, which many of us will have to confront near the end of our lives, of an old man who's family has all slipped away and left him behind to face a cruel unforgiving world on his own.

On the other hand there's a cute little duckling going "peep peep peep!"!!!

On one hand we're faced with the enormous reality that most people on this Earth, even those supposedly designated to "help" (Such as the Fire Brigade, Recycling Plant Operators, Police) are sadly unwilling, whether purposefully or not, to see the help that the people around them, the animals on this planet and the environment around them so desperately need from each and every one of is. A grim reminder that our destruction of this planet isn't some distant-future scenario but something which is happening in the here and now that all of us, in some small way can help change for the better.

On the other hand, did you see the way that duck tilted it's head to the side and then shook it's little behindus!?!?!

On one hand we are forced to realize that the only people with pure and deep intent, and indeed the only people who truly put the human in "humane" (Too cheesy?) are alas, those of us who have felt true suffering and faced up to it. This film, simple though it was, made me fully appreciate the Buddhist Noble Truth: "Life Is Suffering" or the Arthur Schopenhauer line "Life Without Pain Has No Meaning". Before watching this film I truly felt that philosophies which dealt with the pain of life in general were truly cynical and nothing more but now I appreciate those sentiments on a new level, realizing that life is suffering and it is full of pain if anything is to come of it. Have you ever, for instance, met someone who has seemingly had nothing bad ever happen? Chances are they haven't evaded all the hard times that come so naturally to human existence but instead have not faced up to that pain and hardship and therefor have chosen not to suffer. If you chose not to suffer you will never truly feel the pain and will spend your entire existence running scared and cowering from it but if you face up to it you can truly see life for what it is - something which, although perhaps not usually, can be the most majestic and beautiful of gifts that could ever be given (If you believe we were "given" life by anyone). That seems to be why, with very few exceptions, in my opinion the greatest minds ever known to mankind, the greatest humanitarians to live today or in the past and indeed the people most likely on a day to day basis who truly seem to think clearly and have clear unobstructed views and opinions on the world around them are those of us who have known, and faced up to at least to some extent, true suffering.

On the other hand, that duck is pooping right in the toilet!!! OMFG lol!


In Short: A film of many contrasts and conflicts the most surprising of which is that the guy from Third Rock From The Sun actually has his eyes open.


Biggest Positive: Ducks!


Biggest Negative: Life...


MovieFone site for "Duck"


Trivia: Quack!



Monday, June 8, 2009

Into Thy Hands

Cast: Bill Zebub, Debbie Dee


Synopsis:
Apparently this film was about a man who thought he was the second coming of Christ... uh...


Review: This was an abominable waste of everyone's time. Clearly somewhere in the dirty dirty shores of New Jersey a long haired hell's angel type (Named "Bill Zebub" no less...) was tired of listening to the local Death Core Metal scene and decided he would set about making a video in which he could play the sweaty lead role while a bunch of girls took their clothes off and let him look at them and, if he could get the right "actresses", touch them. *Bill Zebub titters like a school girl*

I can only imagine the looks he got when he was putting his script out there...

Bill Zebub: So what do you think?

Producer: Uh... Mr. Zebub, we don't make porn flicks here.

Bill Zebub: This isn't porn! This is a deeply anti-religious piece in which I reflect on man's inhumanity to even the Heavenly Father's son who was sent to save us as he returns to Earth in a vengeful state. It's a pseudo-cult modern day classic tale...

Producers: Right... and why is there a naked chick in every scene?

Bill Zebub: Because I like titties.

Producer: And why are you playing the lead role?

Bill Zebub: Because I like titties.

Producer: And why should we make this film?

Bill Zebub: Because you like titties?

Producer: Sold!


In Short: This was the biggest pile of shit I've ever had the misfortune to sit through and unlike "Home Made", I'm not going ot feel bad if Mr. Bill Zebub stumbles upon this review and cries himself to sleep about it.


Biggest Positive: It was only about an hour long. Had all the unnecessary close ups of candles and awkwardly long non-sex scenes been cut it would have been a five minute short.


Biggest Negative: The whole fucking disaster. Nothing was good about this film.


Bill Zebub's website - I haven't been here so enter it at your own risk.


Trivia: "Into Thy Hands" is used in some underground Korean medical circles to induce vomitting.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Home Made

Cast: Jason Impey


Synopsis:
A notorious film maker is striving to make the ultimate snuff film by killing a bunch of random people.


Review: What in the world was this film doing on a DVD collection of horror films I recently purchased? I mean, kudos to the film-maker. Not only does it seem like a fairly reasonable film of practice shots that I'm sure will serve him well if he ever makes a proper production, and fair play to him for managing to get it on any sort of official release in a foreign country (The film is from the U.K. and I'm in the U.S.) but really, this served as little more than inspiration for me to go out and make a horror film since apparently you can just film a bunch of people walking endlessly before eventually meeting their not-so-gory end in some fairly unrealistic death scenes, followed by another person walking endlessly before dying in a similar boring fashion and have it pass as a releasable work of art.


In Short: ...


Biggest Positive: The director must feel pretty fucking sweet that this got released


Biggest Negative: I don't.


Jason Impey's Website - he's the director and also plays the director in the film he directed about a director.


Trivia: Unlike other films I've given poor reviews to I might feel a pang of guilt of the director reads this...


Summer Of Sam



Cast: John Leguizamo, Adrien Brody, Mira Sorvino, Michael Badalucco and a hundred other people.


Synopsis: In the summer of '77 New York City was plagued by the notorious killer known as "The Son Of Sam" who targetted young girls and couples in their cars with a .44 caliber pistol. Meanwhile, a bunch of things happened in the city which had no relevance whatsoever to the killings.


Review: This was an excellent look at the lives of a group of Italian-Americans living in New York City during the summer of 1977, the same summer in which David Berkowitz (The Son Of Sam) shot and killed at least 6 people. The film seems to try to get an everyday view on how the killings affected the regular people of New York City as Leguizamo's character goes from almost falling victim to the killer, to not giving a shit about the killer, to throwing a temper tantrum out a window at the killer (Who isn't outside the window at the time, or ever), to not giving a shit about the killer again, to forgetting that the film is supposedly about a killer for a good portion of the film, to becoming convinced by his wannabe Mafia type buddies that they know the killer and going on a viginlante hunting mission, to finally not giving a shit about the killer again.

A visually impressive film, no doubt and the story of Vinny and his buddies as they come to terms with Adrian Brody's retarded British accent is indeed a compelling and intriguing tale however aside from the occasional mention or fleeting conversation it bares no relevance to the killer who, it would have been implied by the title of the movie, the film is seemingly about. Yes, there are glimpses into the killer's life but at no point do they cross paths with Leguizamo.


In Short: If all the moments in this film that bared no relevance to the Son Of Sam were removed it probably would have been a reasonable 90 minutes long but Spike Lee being Spike Lee it was instead a sixteen hour epic.


Biggest Positive: After watching this you can make any regular household activity, like watering the lawn, seem amazing by pretending an epic Who song is playing in the background and Spike Lee is directing it by doing things like giving off-center closeups of the water spraying and bouncing in slow motion off the plants and making nauseating camera motion shots of the background slipping away and spinning while you stand stationary.


Biggest Negative: Jon Lovitz should have played the Son Of Sam, and done him in a comical slap-stick style.


IMDb page


Trivia: Leguizama only agreed to do this film on the condition that Spike Lee release his wife and kids unharmed.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Who Can Kill A Child?


Cast: Lewis Fiander, Prunella Ransome, Bunch Of Annoying Spanish Brats

Synopsis: An English couple decides to take their vacation on a remote island which has no contact to the mainland and with no idea who lives there, where they'll stay or why on Earth they don't just find a quiet village on the mainland like any other normal vacationing couple only to find that the island is all but deserted save for the occasional snotty little vicious kids, a bunch of corpses and a creepy looking Spanish dude rocking an awesome 'tache.


Review: The idea of the film is simple: A group of kids on an isolated island decided for reasons unknown to up and kill all the adults and take the island as their own. The adults could have easily overpowered the children but didn't because... (dun dun DUN!)... who can kill a child? A nice premise and one that surely could be thought provoking and deep in a "let's discuss it over a few pints while we all get shit faced and laugh about the piss poor special effects" kind of way if the film hadn't begun with about ten minutes of lengthy tedious intro voice-over telling us that there have been hundreds of instances during man's inhumanity to man (Wars, famine etc etc.) where the kids, either inadvertently or deliberately, are the first and the most plentiful to be killed. So the film basically shot itself in the ass from the get go on that one

Who can kill a child?

All these people can and did

Oh...

The end!

Instead we follow a couple of fairly obnoxious English people as they trek through the island contemplating their own failed existence and wondering when the silly bitch is going to realize that she should just let her husband brandish the biggest Gatling gun available and plow through the hordes of snotty pre-teens like it was a ridiculous 'Nam movie shot by Michael Bay.

I think this movie had some real potential - it could have had the creepy kid element, it could have been a real gut-wrnecher as far as the kid killing was concerned and it had the isolation down but I feel overall the movie fell way short of it's potential...


In Short: Worth a watch? Sure, but don't get excited just because it got an X rating in Britain and was banned in Finland. I dunno what that means, for all I know Bambi is banned in Finland...


Biggest Positive: The realistic language barrier. You half expect the main guy to just start yelling at the "crazy foreigners" when they start to struggle with words... wait, that's my biggest positive? That sucks... oh well


Biggest Negative: It's hard to watch without thinking how much creepier, scarier, gorier, better it could have been no matter how much you enjoy it...


IMDb Page


Trivia: The spanish word for A-Bomb is "bomba atómica"


Monday, April 20, 2009

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)


Cast: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connolly


Synopsis: An alien named Klaatu arrives on Earth spreading good will and cheer to all it's citizens until he realizes we're a bunch of assholes who deserve to die (Roughly two seconds after landing). Jennifer Connolly acts overly concerned about everything as per usual.


Review: All I'm going to say is that I shouldn't have listened to a single review I read about this film. All I heard about it was that firstly, it was too preachy and went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how much we're polluting and being evil to the world around us and it got glib and secondly, that the flying bug things were inconsistent - one minute rampaging through whole buildings and the next taking a tense amount of time to shatter glass. That second point seemed moot to me even reading reviews since this is sci-fi and if there wasn't gaping holes and inconsistencies it wouldn't be authentic but I assumed that either the reviewer was retarded or that it was really bad in this film.

However these are lies! The film is in no way too preachy. It's message that "If the Earth dies, we die. If we die, the Earth lives." is, in my opinion, a basic fact. Whether we're going to choke the planet and most of the life on it to death in our lifetime or the next or the one after that is debatable but it's obvious we can't keep pumping shit into the air and water left and right without it damaging the Earth and we already see the effects of deforestation and pollution in the world today so frankly anyone who thought a film that had maybe three pieces of dialogue referring to how much of a bunch of scum-sucking fuck-cunts we all are for not giving a flying fuck about the world around us is "too preachy" can fuck off and die. What I translate these reviewers as saying is "I got uncomfortable with someone pointing out that we really do suck and probably should die to save the rest of the animals".

And the second point is less relevant. The reviewers who said this were being doubly retarded because throughout the film when the stupid flying bug things (Which in themselves don't make much sense anyway so who cares if one thing they do is a little off?) tear through whole buildings in a second when there is a whole swarm of them and take ages to get through glass when there are so few of them that you can't even see them. I thought personally it was obvious being that when one was happening you could see stuff and when the other was happening you couldn't. I think that was a tricky way the film-makers went about making it blatantly fucking obvious what was going on and not being "inconsistent" like the foagy assed reviewers who all got up in this film's face about flaws in logic and preachy dialogue seem to believe, probably because they drive hummers to work and get free hand-outs and hand-jobs from rival studios who want to see Keanu Reeves fail!

Fuck you reviewers who hated this film! Fuck you all!

Having said all that, the film was kind of shitty - but not for the reasons anyone else said.


In Short: Watch this film with Al Gore and see if he thinks it's too preachy.


Biggest Positive: The slight change in Klaatu's demeanour from the original into being a fairly well-informed alien who doesn't get overwhelmed with compassion towards the human race in the way the original teatered on doing.


Biggest Negative: A film with Jennifer Connolly and no David Bowie is no film at all.


The Day The Earth Stood Still's preachy inconsistent website


Trivia: Keanu Reeves modelled his performance in this film after a maniquin he saw in a Gap store front.


To see my review of the original 1951 version: The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)


And here's a pre-Review I did on my YouTube account before the film was released in cinemas:

Friday, April 17, 2009

I've been lazy...

The title says it all...

Plenty movies have been seen but for some reason coming here, clicking "log in" and rambling nonsense has seemed like quite the enormous effort!

I shall do my best to try and get back into some sort of a routine of posting my reviews here... I know there must be hundred of you out there awaiting my next review! It will come... soon...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Burn After Reading



Cast: Everyone

Synopsis: I'm really not sure what happens in this film in spite of watching it in it's entirity only a few short hours ago...

Review: George Clooney's nuts and takes his shirt off, Brad Pitt's a crazy guy who, in spite of looking like a total douch-bag and dork-face, still looks hot, Frances MacDormand is quirky and says things like "Oh for Pete's sake!", John Malkovich gets all frustrated and swears at people (While in a floral dressing gown, holding a gun in one hand and a shot of liquor in the other), Tilda Swinton plays a stuck up bitch and J.K. Simmons once again plays an angry guy with a desk job.

What more could you need in a movie?

An automated sex dildo swing chair?

Done!

The perfect movie...

In Short: This review was already short...

Biggest Positive: Doesn't stop to let you cease being entertained from start to finish

Biggest Negative: I'll probably forget it existed and confuse it with a bunch of Wes Anderson and Spike Jonez films after a couple of months

Burn After Reading's Website

Trivia: I was going to see this at the cinema when it came out but when I read my ticket stub I burned it afterwards (obviously), and so was refused entry.
I set fire to the DVD Sleeve when it arrived in the mail today but fortunately my wife wrestled the DVD itself into the player before I had a chance to read the cover.
My attempts at setting fire to my TV screen were fruitless.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Last House On The Left (2009)


Cast: Garret Dillahunt, Sara Paxton, Monica Potter, Tony Goldwyn

Synopsis: When the recently crumbled and bought-over movie studio New Line ended up cold and alone and without a hope for a future, Hollywood decided to ambush it in the woods! First they turned to something they owned but didn't create - Friday the 13th. They took Jason and they destroyed him utterly. Then they turned their sites on destroying one of New Line's shining stars, Wes Craven's babies - The Last House On The Left. They took The Last House On The Left and savagely raped it repeatadly in the woods and told it to fondle A Nightmare On Elm Street's breasts and piss it's pants. It promptly did so and once it was at it's lowest point, Hollywood remade Last House On The Left and turned it into a pile of excrement...

In it's dying breath, Last House On The Left fell to the ground, clawing at the dirt and croakily screamed to Nightmare On Elm Street - "Run! Don't... let... them... remake... you... too!".

A
nd with that - The Last House On the Left was destroyed...

Review: I don't know why we feel compelled to go to the cinema to see movies like this when there were perfectly good movies like... well, I guess Watchmen is the best one out just now but hell, I bet Miss March would be in many ways a superior film to this.

It wasn't a bad film really but you have to remember that it's basically starting from a very low point given that it's a god-damned unnecessary remake (again!) so that automatically sets it at a negative score right now...

It wasn't nearly (even remotely close) as gritty and almost snuff-like as the original but that was to be expected... perhaps though it was expected too much by some members of the audience who seemed to be appalled when the rape sequence began. I mean, did they think it was just going to be left out altogether? Perhaps they were (more likely) too young to have even seen the original and have parents too dumb to realize they shouldn't even be seeing a watered down remake of Last House On the Left.

Anyway, the rape scene began and so many people left the theater that it made me want to spin round in circles and laugh! My wife pointed out all the "evacuees"; but I surmised eventually that they probably just had to pee or get snacks and chose the awkward scene to do it in.

But then out of the ten or thereabouts that left only a couple seemed to return to the theater...

I guess people generally don't want to sit and watch a girl get forcibly fucked in the ass.
At least not in a room full of strangers anyway, that's awkward!

The film has promise but falls way short of being either as gritty as the original or able to be a mainstream "re-imagining" and popularized version of the it. Instead it is some sort of middle ground for lazy people who can't be bothered to locate a copy of the original.

There's too much cutting between "shaky-cam" and regular camera work too and the shaky-cam is extremely forced, you can tell someone's trying to make it seem cheap and nasty but failing, since you can tell they're trying.

In Short: A decent enough, watchable film but a few too many attempts at arty shots and close ups of girls panties - done in a way that makes you feel like the director thought that's all you had to do to make a film dirty and raw.

Biggest Positive: It stayed fairly true to the original film, a lot more than it could have and a lot more than many remakes do.

Biggest Negative: The original wasn't that good to begin with so they were pretty much fucked from the get-go.



Trivia: In order to fully experience this film in the best possible way pick up a pair of the super-special dark 3D glasses on the way in and put them on right away so no-one can tell you're taking a nap!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Eden Lake


Cast: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbenger

Synopsis: A couple makes plans to spend a romantic weekend away but have it turned into a blood filled horror-fest when a bunch of Neds (Chavs, Townies, whatever) start stalking and attacking them.

Review: This is one of few horror films that genuinely scared me somewhat in recent years, especially since it didn't involve the things which usually scare me: Rape sequences, killing animals or German people. But this managed to do it!

Probably because I know that somewhere out there, there are little fucker Ned shitheads who might pull this shit off if you spilled their White Lightning on their bright white kappas. So I knew what the poor bastards in the film were going through...

Highly recommended film for all the family!

In Short: I have never been so glad to be now living in a country without Neds in my life!

Biggest Positive: Genuinely fearful! Managing to scared of something that could happen and not something that only maybe possibly, but probably wouldn't ever, happen.

Biggest Negative: Neds are really fucking annoying and since the film's about them they're quite prevalant.

Eden Lake's Website - this site is pretty nifty, you should go!

Trivia: Eden Lake is currently being used by the British tourist board to show a better side of British youth!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Quarantine


Cast:
Jennifer Carpenter, Steve Harris, Jay Hernandez, That guy from Ally McBeal

Synopsis: What happens when you trap a group of people in an inner-city building without explanation and let wild zombie folks tear them to pieces? You get the intro to Dawn Of The Dead, I guess... but what if those folks aren't zombies and are actually rabid crazies? I guess that's 28 Days Later... yeah well, what if the rabies is fast acting and randomly makes people want to bite and eat each other? That's still 28 Days Later I guess... well okay, but what if there was a trendy "nightvision" shot where the viewer is the only one that knows what's going on? That's just 28 Weeks Later now, huh? Well fuck, what if the whole thing was shot on amazing(ly annoying) SHAKY-CAM-VISION! Now you've got Quarantine!

Review: Blah blah blah stuck in building, blah blah blah rabies, blah blah zombie film without the zombies.
That's pretty much the gist of this film. That may sound like a derogatory review but believe me that leads to a pretty half-way decent flick! A lot of blood, a bunch of death (some particularly nasty falls and smashes actually) and some decent action sequences. The shaky-cam isn't too bad, since this film establishes the professionalism of the man behind the camera and thereby giving the film-maker a way to not make it suck to be "authentic" although it is wholly unnecessary and doesn't really achieve anything that couldn't have been achieved by just filming the movie like they weren't pretentious fuckers.
Some slight problems with consistencies though in that the, for example, the virus spreads to it's victims in a matter of minutes. In minutes or less the victim is a foaming maniac, hell-bent on biting other people's faces suddenly... except for one character who is infected for hours before any symptoms kick in (Just at the right moment!) because it worked better for the "plot".

Another example, the victims seem to attack on site (Though not each other, go figure!) all through the movie until at one point it makes for a more "tense" moment if the victim waits until the person slo-o-o-o-o-owly turns around checking all their surroundings before finally facing them to attack... I guess these rabid brainless fucktards have a sense of dynamic tension! Must be part of the lesser prevalent side-effects...

Also a word of advice to anyone caught in the situation the characters find themselves in the end of the film (Stuck in a dark room with a rabid half-naked granny-looking thing chucking pots and pans everywhere while you are armed with a camera with night vision - happens all the time to me), don't just sit there and film the cowering girl next to you ignoring where the crazy rabid bitch is! Instead, maybe try using your advantage (seeing in the pitch black) to beat the un-living shit out of the foaming cunt!
And instead of just hoping that for some reason while the bitch is tearing everything in the room apart without exception because she's a few olives short of a greek salad she'll somehow just coincidentally pass over the corner of the room where the two of you are shivering to yourselves if you "just keep quiet", why not try moving your stupid asses out of there?
Hey, you know what else was "just keeping quiet"? THE WHOLE FUCKING ROOM FULL OF INANIMATE OBJECTS THAT SOME MENTAL PATIENT IS CURRENTLY TEARING APART WITH NO SENSE OF LOGIC OR THOUGHT! So maybe, just maybe, sitting quietly with your fucking camera on (I'm sure that thing has a little red light like every other one on the planet) you should get off your stupid asses and do something? Just a thought...

Besides annoyingly convenient plot devices, pointless shaky-cam-o-vision and the fact that it's a remake (Hiss!) this film is probably worth watching though.
If you have an unlimited rental service like NetFlix (Or Shareaza, pow!).
And if you don't have anything else in your queue you could be watching.
And if nothing good's on TV.
And if you don't mind unoriginal films.
And if you suck.

Seriously, the film wasn't that bad. Here's a trailer for [REC] though (The film this was a remake of)



Biggest Positive: Well devised (I feel [rec] gets that credit though) and, towards the end starts to actually build up the tension you waited through the rest of the movie expecting to get in abundance.

Biggest Negative: The unnecessary Shaky Cam... it's been overused lately and unlike this, Cloverfield and Diary Of The Dead both had reasons to be using that effect...

Quarantine the DVD Website - inl. Trailer

Trivia: Unlike Cloverfield and the Blair Witch Project - Quarantine has the "shaky-cam" effect because all that shit really happened!


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Midnight Meat Train


Cast: Vinnie Jones, Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb

Synopsis: A freelance photographer who's career is going nowhere (Probably because the camera he owns is a piece of shit) discovers that the subway holds more secrets than just great tasting subs and low-cal flatbreads - they are also home to a grizzly underground world in which Vinnie Jones butchers victims of late night trains and unloads them at an unknown destination...

Review: The film starts out pretty well, setting the scene for a good horror flick by entering us straight into the action rather than trying to build up to it. Trailers to the film made promises of a lot of gore and it becomes apparent in the first few scenes that the film is going to deliver that at least. Some of the gore is far too obviously CGI effects but for the kind of visuals the film seemed to be going for, "real" gore might not have worked - a bit of a let down but it isn't overly done so it doesn't take away from the film too much.

The film has some pretty stunning visuals, nice camera angles and camera effects and they're all pretty well placed and used but at times it seems very forced, as if the director and editing crew wanted to practice a bunch of techniques they learned about while watching the DVD Extras to some Eli Roth movie so sometimes you find yourself sort of thinking "Yeah, very nice but can I see what's actually going on here?" but overall the film meets its goals.

The acting is reasonable, perhaps even above par for a movie of this caliber, and Vinnie Jones once again proves he can play a lumbering speechless barbarian very well. So, overall an above-par horror film... pretty much until the last 20 minutes or so when things start to go a little weird... Spoilers do follow, major ones that might make you not want to see the film, so I've put them in black so they're disguised - just click and hold to reveal my awesome secrets:

SPOILERS:
So the film is progressing along and, much like many horror films - especially small time ones, you find yourself wondering how will this end! Smaller horror films (and some big ones) still occasionally end with miserable endings which is great because then you don't know who's going to live and who's going to die or what's going to happen at all! So it gets to the final scenes - wimpy photographer is following the Butcher into the subway and brandishing all sorts of ridiculous weaponry in order to make the final scenes as cheesye as possible and I find myself thinking that - given the cheese-factor already apparent - the filmmakers are having a hard time coming up with a good and reasonable way to end this film and given that the film is based on a book it might be that the book has a pretty silly ending and they don't know how to deal with it, so what's going to happen? These are pretty much the options I had in my mind...

Wimpy Photographer kills Butcher. Butcher is forced under train thus no remains are found. Police find Photographer guilty of all crimes. Girlfriend cries a lot. The End!

Turns out the Photographer is the Butcher and has been all along and he invented this other world to escape from his life. In the end, confronted with his girlfriend knowing the truth he ends up shot by her. Girlfriend cries a lot. The End!

Turns out the girlfriend is the Butcher and has been all along. In the end, she kills him and moves on with her underground slaughtering life. Photographer dies a lot. The End!

Photographer kills butcher only to have train pull up underneath the slaughterhouse and be confronted with about a hundred other butchers all with the same idea. Butchers kill the photographer. Girlfriend cires a lot. Butchers kill her too. The End!

or

Turns out there's an underground network of weird demonic vampiric space monkeys living underneath New York City unbeknownst to everyone who Vinnie Jones, instead of feeding them left over meat from his butchering job, feeds them skinny white people (mostly). None of the Demonic Space Monkey plot would be hinted at at all during the movie though of course, so that it's a "surprise". Girlfriend stands there with a "What the fuck kind of fuckery is this?" look on her face a lot. The End!

At some point in the filmmaking process someone thought "Hey, let's not do any of those regular endings! Let's go for the Space Monkey ending!"

Seriously! That's how this movie ended!

80 minutes of tension packed thriller ("packed" might be exaggerating a little) with blood, cool visuals and a little mystique to it followed by 20 minutes of Demonic Space Monkeys turning the audience retarded.

In Short:
I should have known! Why didn't I think about who made this story?

Biggest Positive: Vinnie Jones beating people about the head constantly.

Biggest Negative: Yeah... I already went over that I think...

Film Website: Midnight Meat Train The Movie

Trivia: Vinnie Jones was actually supposed to speak through the whole film but after reading the script he refused.


Friday, February 27, 2009

Remakes, Remakes, Remakes...

We all hate remakes, and if you don't I will come round to your house and bludgeon you with a dull instrument so I wanted to make a post proclaiming the latest three I've heard of, each of which I've made a Facebook group in order to try and rally a small army of "Space Monkeys" together to wreak havoc on hollywood!

A Nightmare On Elm Street

The Neverending Story

Total Recall

Click on the link to go to the facebook group and join us!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Review Of Fight Club

See how this post is called "Review Of Fight Club"? That's because this is a review of a review of Fight Club. Specifically: this review.

The basic premise of this review seems to be to convince you that the first half of Fight Club is awesome and speaks wonders about the anti-establishment and anti-materialistic way of thinking that Fight Club so rightly tries to depict but goes on to critique the second half because of the way it shows those ideals being accomplished instead of dreamed, comparing them to terrorism and 9/11 style attacks on society!

Well I say the reviewer is a giant pussy-faced cunt! They're belief that the film is admirable for pointing out the Generation-X style depressions of loss of control and loss of identity and the idea that the "things we own end up owning you" and yet believing that when the movie makes the lead characters actually follow through with those dreams and take out the societal diseases that they see as being most responsible for the irresponsible and deplorable life we live just shows that they are exactly the kind of victim that the movie is depicting. They are the lame ass narrator who spends half the movie running around in his underwear rather than the cool Tyler Durden who has ideas, thoughts and is overall the success and everything the narrator wants to be. Truth is, most of us are more like the narrator than Durden but you'd think if you were to review Fight Club and pass as a human being with any kind of free thinking brain in your head you'd realize that, although Durden's way of life isn't exactly easy to pull off or socially acceptable, that it is his belief about life that is correct and not the narrator's IKEA-based reality.



In additon, comparing it to Office Space is fine but let's face it: What questions Office Space began to try to think about answering, Fight Club answered in the opening scene.

And finally (Sorry, this is a disjointed review, whatever) the cock-knocking bitch-hog that wrote the review seems to be of the naive opinion that because the film, and specifically the Fight Clubs themselves within the film, center mainly around a male cast that this means the ideas behind the film only mean anything to men... like a woman has never felt a compulsion to buy a product because they feel it will "complete them" and later (or even at the same time) realized that they don't need the product and were conned by society to want it? In actual fact this part of the many ideas put forward in the film (And possibly among the most prevalant) probably affects women more than men, in general. Stop talking out your ass, reviewer!

This review gets a mere 2 smiley's and one of them is only because it inspired me to want to watch Fight Club again.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday the 13th (2009)


Cast: Amanda Righetti, Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Travis Van Winkle, Derek Mears

Synopsis:
Watch Friday the 13th parts I - III, mix them together and sprinkle in some Texas Chainsaw Massacre part 2. Take away any logic behind the character Jason Voorhees (i.e. that he's a giant musclebound mass of non-thinking killing machine and not some elaborate trap-setting mechanical engineer who one minute is carefully setting up complex alarm systems, well laid traps and training himself to be a perfect archer but the next minute is retarded enough to believe some random chick is his dead mom that he saw beheaded as a child) and turn it into a choppily editted, poorly directed mash-up mess of a movie and you have the basic premise behind this "remake" of Friday the 13th

Review: What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

In Short: I know if you're reading this that, like me, you can't resist the urge to go see this film but please take my advice, when you go drink a lot of beer and/or bring with you a healthy "shout at screen" attitude (Kudos to the guy who, when told to "shut the fuck up" by a fellow movie-goer, promptly yelled "Ooooh sorry! We might not be able to follow the intricate plot! Oh Shhh! What's Jason going to say?"). If you;re not prepared to see a pile of trash you'll only be sickened to your core

Biggest Positive: Some of the kills, the ones that were done in one continuous shot (e.g. the one under the pier) or at least weren't cut all over the place in the edit were pretty cool

Biggest Negative: The fact that the film exists at all.