Thursday, September 13, 2007

Snake People

If you haven't seen Snake People then you haven't lived!

There's a line in the remake of the Hills Have Eyes (sorry to keep harping on about that film, but whatever!) that goes something like: "I think Freud would have a few things to say about your fascination with snakes!", and there's a good 20 minutes of continuous footage and about an hours worth of overall footage in this film that really makes you think the same thing about the director of this film... it's hardly implied either... at first there's a woman in her bed and some deranged midget voodoo guy comes in brandishing a snake and an idiotic grin, his assistant with the dumb hair removes the woman's top, and presumably all her clothes.
The midgets at the foot of her bed with the snake, then we cut to the woman's face and... is she making "that" kind of face?... surely not!
At this point you think, well... that was implied and harmless. In fact you almost curse the director for not having the balls to imply it a little more, and at least turn this film into a really grizzly film that's difficult to watch...
But then we're whisked away into some dream world where the woman wakes up to find her evil twin is there brandishing (and stroking) an enormous snake, as she clutches it towards her face like... well... you know

The woman is horrified by this and makes a run for it only to be encountered by her evil twin, only this time she's holding the snakes head in her mouth... uhh... awkward?

Then she has it tied around her waist and is holding out it's head like...well... you know

There's still no nudity though! So... well done on managing to make a long drawn out porn sequence without actually showing anything at all, I guess?

I'm supposing that this sequence was some sort of arty way of reflecting the innocent character's inner turmoil as she struggles with her own deep seeded desires and urges, will she continue to run from the penis, I mean snake, or embrace it?
And by embrace it I mean start making out with her own evil twin?!


Seriously, then we see the main character (who I swear sounded Spanish right up until the last 5 minutes when he became French, but there was some plot going on that might have implied he had to pretend to be French... even though everyone on the island knew him... uh...) and he's just waking up to find what else but a snake in his bed and all the while you're thinking "Is this going to turn into homo-erotic snake non-porn???" as he looks fearful at this snake that keeps manifesting itself... but before the guy has any disturbing dream sequences the director shows his closet homophobic nature by whisking us away to a scene where a zombie lady is seducing a man at the bar...

Oh yeah! This film was about zombies, what was all that snake nonsense then, Mr Director?

And who told him that he should even try and make zombies hot? It's a well established fact that one of the key things about zombies is that they are never ever hot. No matter how Return Of The Living Dead tries to spin it.

Worth noting: there were only a few moments where I could really tell this film was poorly dubbed, so... well done there

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