Requiem For A Dream

Cast: Jared Leto, Marlon Wayans, Ellen Burstyn, Jennifer Connelly 

Synopsis: Drugs. Something about drugs. 

Review: Having seen this film I realize that what I love most of all about Jared Leto is the fact that any film I've ever seen him in at some point ends up with him being fucked over severely, beaten to hell or viciously slaughtered with a hand axe. 

In Short: That review wasn't short enough for you?

"I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the heroin that you have stolen."

Biggest Positive: I think I already went over the whole "Jared Leto gets fucked" thing.

Biggest Negative: I have seen more of Jennifer Connelly than I ever needed to see... 

Trivia: This film was a 5 minute short film until they pulled an arty-director out to fill the film with weird close-ups of eyeballs and bizarre imagery that doesn't make sense. 

Requiem For A Dream's Website - (it really is it's site, even though initially it might look like spam)

The Crow

Cast: Brandon Lee, Rochelle Davis, Ernie Hudson


Synopsis: A hipster goth-like musician and his girlfriend are killed in a brutal needless murder but luckily for goths everywhere a magical crow decided that it would be cool to bring back the lanky hippy from the dead to seek revenge on his killers (apparently every other horrific murder in history doesn't matter to the magical crow and only people who look cool in white make up and a trench coat can be brought back from the dead.). Madness ensues.


Review: For years random people have been astounded when I tell them I haven't ever seen The Crow. Their heads fall back on themselves, their eyes bug out and some have even melted into a pool of their own self-loathing right in front of me. The reason, I always assumed, is because I used to have long vaguely curly hair, wear a big ol' leather trench coat and could be found occasionally wearing dark make up and leaping from building to building seeking my revenge on criminal underworlds so it seemed like a surprise when I hadn't seen the movie on which it might have seemed I based my entire existence... or so I thought! Until at work, where I wear a uniform and am not allowed to wear make up or kill people, a co-worker who hasn't seen me out of work expressed the exact same exasperation that I "of all people" had not seen The Crow. Thinking there must be something to this I decided (Was given a copy of The Crow by said co-worker and told if I didn't watch it he'd hunt me down and kill me) to finally get around to watching The Crow.

Having now seen it I realize now that when people said that I "had to see The Crow" what they actually meant was "You look like an obnoxious prick who likes shitty vaguely dark over-hyped movies that are only popular because someone died during filming".

Bummer.


In Short: Between this and Reservoir Dogs I realize that when everybody in the world says you need to see a movie it actually means "This movie sucks but everyone likes it because it's edgy without being close enough to the edge to be interesting!"


Biggest Positive: Heath Ledger clearly took some notes from this film, threw out all the shit and amplified the few decent parts a billion times to play the Joker. Then he died too, so it goes to show you should never ever do anything to associate yourself with this film, ever.


Biggest Negative: The hype behind this film is it's hugest flaw. I hope my review paints a picture of a truly awful film so that if you haven't seen the film and you finally do you'll maybe finish saying "Well, it wasn't that bad..."


Trivia: In an inronic twist of fate, exactly one year after his death Brandon Lee was still dead.

The Crow's Loft - fan page

No Country For Old Men

Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Javier Berdem


Synopsis: Josh Brolin find a stash of money amongst a bunch of dead Mexican drug lords, meanwhile Javier Bardem is killing people with an air powered cattle-killy thing, meanwhile Tommy Lee Jones is mumbling incoherently about nothing in particular, meanwhile Kelly MacDonald is talking about something I can't quite listen to because I'm too busy thinking "You're Scottish. Where has your accent been in the last 2 films I've seen you in?", meanwhile I just discovered that the guy that played the Deputy Sherrif (Garret Dillahunt) was Krug in "The Last House On The Left" who incidentally, in that film not this one, looked a bit like Josh Brolin, who in the meantime is sort of meandering about his business trying to hide with the money while meanwhile, Javier Bardem kills more people. Somehow all these people's plots are all about the same thing in the same movie...


Review: Why is it that every Coen brothers film I've seen has a plot that if you were to tell it to someone (e.g. "There's Mexican drug lords and Josh Brolin steals their money after they all die in a mass shoot-out but Javier Bardem plays this guy who needs that money and will stop at nothing to kill everyone in his path to get to it! Then a hired assassin shows up to kill either Josh, Javier or both! And the cops are hot on Javier's trail the whole way but can't quite get him as he gets closer and closer to catching Josh Brolin!") they'd think the film would be full of car chases, epic gun battles and multiple budget-busting explosions (There is one in this film but it's hardly Bay-esque!) but in reality the Coen brothers tend to make the film just about a bunch of slightly eccentric ugly people saying weird shit?


In Short: Too much romance, not enough human killing


Biggest Positive: "Would you hold still, please, sir..."


Biggest Negative: Not enough on screen violence. Is that wrong?


No Country For Old Men website


Trivia: 50 people died of boredom in early screenings of this film so the Coen brothers has to trim a half-hour long sequence of Josh Brolin watching an entire episode of Jeoporday in real-time and complete silence.

Duck

Cast: Philip Baker Hall, Larry Cedar, Various Ducks, That guy from "Third Rock From The Sun" with the squinty eyes. 

Synopsis:Oh, a tale about a duck who mistakes some old dude for his mother? Perfect! 

Review: This film is very dual-themed. On one hand we have the lonely tale, which many of us will have to confront near the end of our lives, of an old man who's family has all slipped away and left him behind to face a cruel unforgiving world on his own. 

On the other hand there's a cute little duckling going "peep peep peep!"!!! 

On one hand we're faced with the enormous reality that most people on this Earth, even those supposedly designated to "help" (Such as the Fire Brigade, Recycling Plant Operators, Police) are sadly unwilling, whether purposefully or not, to see the help that the people around them, the animals on this planet and the environment around them so desperately need from each and every one of is. A grim reminder that our destruction of this planet isn't some distant-future scenario but something which is happening in the here and now that all of us, in some small way can help change for the better. 

On the other hand, did you see the way that duck tilted it's head to the side and then shook it's little behindus!?!?! 

On one hand we are forced to realize that the only people with pure and deep intent, and indeed the only people who truly put the human in "humane" (Too cheesy?) are alas, those of us who have felt true suffering and faced up to it. This film, simple though it was, made me fully appreciate the Buddhist Noble Truth: "Life Is Suffering" or the Arthur Schopenhauer line "Life Without Pain Has No Meaning". Before watching this film I truly felt that philosophies which dealt with the pain of life in general were truly cynical and nothing more but now I appreciate those sentiments on a new level, realizing that life is suffering and it is full of pain if anything is to come of it. Have you ever, for instance, met someone who has seemingly had nothing bad ever happen? Chances are they haven't evaded all the hard times that come so naturally to human existence but instead have not faced up to that pain and hardship and therefor have chosen not to suffer. If you chose not to suffer you will never truly feel the pain and will spend your entire existence running scared and cowering from it but if you face up to it you can truly see life for what it is - something which, although perhaps not usually, can be the most majestic and beautiful of gifts that could ever be given (If you believe we were "given" life by anyone). That seems to be why, with very few exceptions, in my opinion the greatest minds ever known to mankind, the greatest humanitarians to live today or in the past and indeed the people most likely on a day to day basis who truly seem to think clearly and have clear unobstructed views and opinions on the world around them are those of us who have known, and faced up to at least to some extent, true suffering. 

On the other hand, that duck is pooping right in the toilet!!! OMFG lol! 

In Short: A film of many contrasts and conflicts the most surprising of which is that the guy from Third Rock From The Sun actually has his eyes open. 

Biggest Positive: Ducks! 

Biggest Negative: Life... MovieFone site for "Duck" Trivia: Quack!

Into Thy Hands

Cast: Bill Zebub, Debbie Dee


Synopsis: Apparently this film was about a man who thought he was the second coming of Christ... uh...


Review: This was an abominable waste of everyone's time. Clearly somewhere in the dirty dirty shores of New Jersey a long haired hell's angel type (Named "Bill Zebub" no less...) was tired of listening to the local Death Core Metal scene and decided he would set about making a video in which he could play the sweaty lead role while a bunch of girls took their clothes off and let him look at them and, if he could get the right "actresses", touch them. *Bill Zebub titters like a school girl*

I can only imagine the looks he got when he was putting his script out there...

Bill Zebub: So what do you think?

Producer: Uh... Mr. Zebub, we don't make porn flicks here.

Bill Zebub: This isn't porn! This is a deeply anti-religious piece in which I reflect on man's inhumanity to even the Heavenly Father's son who was sent to save us as he returns to Earth in a vengeful state. It's a pseudo-cult modern day classic tale...

Producers: Right... and why is there a naked chick in every scene?

Bill Zebub: Because I like titties.

Producer: And why are you playing the lead role?

Bill Zebub: Because I like titties.

Producer: And why should we make this film?

Bill Zebub: Because you like titties?

Producer: Sold!


In Short: This was the biggest pile of shit I've ever had the misfortune to sit through and unlike "Home Made", I'm not going ot feel bad if Mr. Bill Zebub stumbles upon this review and cries himself to sleep about it.


Biggest Positive: It was only about an hour long. Had all the unnecessary close ups of candles and awkwardly long non-sex scenes been cut it would have been a five minute short.


Biggest Negative: The whole fucking disaster. Nothing was good about this film.


Bill Zebub's website - I haven't been here so enter it at your own risk.


Trivia: "Into Thy Hands" is used in some underground Korean medical circles to induce vomitting.