Satan's Little Helper

First of all, let me express my complete disbelief at imdb's claim that this film was rated R! What the fuck? I've seen harsher episodes of The Power Rangers.

Anyhow, this film was so extraordinarily close to being as bad as Jack-O, which I'm not even sure I reviewed because it was so atrociously bad... a note to the makers of Jack-O and Satan's Little Helper, almost any type of genre can have a child as a lead role in it without too much difficulty (Nothing more than batting eyelids and a cute face will suffice) but for horror, unlike the adult cast in most horror films, you need to have a child who is an extraordinarily good actor to be able to pull of any amount of creepiness, fear, rage whatever... otherwise you just ruin any sort of mood you might be able to create without them... an no offense to the kid who played Dougie in this film, he seemed to be a reasonable enough child actor, but this wasn't some Disney movie with a talking dog, this was meant to be horror... at least to some degree...

Really though, I can't pin the blame of this failing it's horror genre on some kid! This movie wasn't in the least bit scary and the only piece of gore was inflicted on a latex cat! What a crock...
Attempts at "horror-comedy" were short lived and pointless, suspense was slim to none, special effects were non-existent...
So what did this movie have going for it that makes it worthy of a review when Jack-O did not?

This guy:
For sure, this was the most horrible looking bad guy I've seen in a long time but hell, every time this guy gave a shaky Frat boy style thumbs up, or shaky middle finger I couldn't help but chortle... I'm not sure if he was meant to be creepy or was meant to come across as an awesome drunk moron, but whatever the case this guy made the film for me... at least, made it fall short of being a complete waste of time and effort


Peek-a-boo!
You guessed it, his face wasn't animated at all! You might have been misled by that last picture into thinking there were some sort of special effects used on this guy but there were not...
I just realized who he reminded me of!
Remember in Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey when Evil Robot Bill loses his head?
Well this character was pretty much like the decapitated body... except he lasted a good 2 hours acting like that, rather then half a minute...


That's just uncalled for!
But her complete lack of emotion, hatred, lust, rage or love show exactly how everyone else in this movie acted. If they had all had masks on, with huge fixed expressions like Mr. Satan here then the whole film would have been roughly 95% more interesting than it was... it may not have been any good but hell, it would have been original!

J-Dog!
Yeah, and if everyone else had no lines whatsoever it would have improved the film immensely.
Also, if the film had only been 5 minutes long.
Also, this film could very well have just been a 2 second video clip on YouTube of some guy dressed as Satan giving a shaky thumbs up then flipping the bird at the camera and it would have captured the best parts about this film...

Would it have killed them to make Jesus go ona killing spree, by the way?

That may have improved it also...

I have to watch a good movie soon, otherwise my "one out of five" movies are going ot go waaaaaay past any other ratings...