Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Ruins

What Jaws did for swimming at beaches...

What Freddy Krueger did for scary dreams...

What Jason did for sexy times...

What Jurassic Park did for strange Scotsmen who decide to clone dinosaurs for a quick buck...

What Alien did for advanced space exploration...

The Ruins did for DVD sales.

I am now petrified to get another DVD and put it in my player for fear that I may be forced to endure another 90 minutes such as those experienced while watching The Ruins. No, no, it wasn't scary in the traditional way you'd expect a horror film to be, it was scary in how phenomenally terrible an idea the whole thing is... I was pretty slow to catch on to what was actually going on in this film so I won't give it away by saying what is the bad-guy in this film though, so you can at least have that going for you... I think I only didn't catch on because my brain didn't want to believe it? Anyhow, for serious though, this film is distinctly flawed in that it really seems to be made with the thought process that the audience is going to watch it knowing it's a horror film but not know what is going to kill them (at least for the first 20 - 30 minutes of the film) which leaves the audience member (The ones who don't know about the film, such as me) thinking up what elaborate and beastly demons might be lurking in the Ruins to slaughter our hapless main characters one by one in ways each more elaborate and scary than the rest.

Is it demons from the depths of hell?

Is it a weird evolution of man that's been trapped in the ruins for centuries and is now a weird man-eating man-bat thing?

Is it an alien (or predator)?

No... it's... yes, well just take my word for it, any one of those things might have been more exciting. Not as original I'll grant you that... but more exciting for sure...

Anyhow, I'm going to sneak off and hide in a cave for the rest of my life just in case some fucktard bastard decides to make a sequel to this.

Damn, but I'm scared of dark enclosed places now!
Not because of The Ruins but because of The Descent.
Why would the descent scare me and not the Ruins? Well, because something scary is actually after people in that film! Shock, I know.

The only thing this film had going for it was the gore. But, come on! Hostel II had good gore and it didn't excuse that train wreck of a film so I hardly think it excuses this one either...

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