Sunday, February 1, 2009

Days Of Darkness

More and more movies are proving to me lately that just having zombies in your film does not in any way mean it's not going to be a steaming pile of turd...


Days Of Darkness is exactly the kind of zombie film that makes you want to hurl chunks.
The acting is practically non-existent from the start and the characters are so detestable that there isn't a moment when you don't just want them all to throw themselves over the fence and be eaten alive, preferably five minutes into the film so you don't need to go on watching this fucking nonsense...

Whatever you do with your life, don't make it watching this film. It is an utter waste of time. There are (very few) moments that are reasonable including some semi-decent gore but these are surrounded by an ocean of pointless speeches, explanations and melodrama. I mean it takes about fifteen minutes of really boring "group discussions" for the characters to figure out that the comet (that we see in the opening sequence hurtling towards Earth) is the cause of all this! Fine, the characters didn't see the connection but since the audience is already fully aware there is no need for the characters to spend more than a few seconds figuring this out - it's just plain boring! Have a character who saw the comet crash who can quickly inform everyone - have the characters already figure it out before we join them - have them hear it on an emergency broadcast - SOMETHING! But for God's sake don't make us sit through the tedium of them working it out...
And why is it that the zombie infection infects men's testicles and virgin girls?
Original Idea: Yes
Necessary: No
Better Film Without It: Yes! Yes! Yes!

It did make for some gross moments though which frankly were almost the only thing this film had going for it...
Almost...

You see in the last five minutes of the film (I'm talking about the end of the film, in case it wasn't obvious there is going to be a spoiler or two here) they discover that the reason all the assholes in the picture above weren't infected when the comet struck is because they were all drunk at the time and the infecting parasite hates alcohol filled blood!

Genius!

You see, what this means is all they have to do is get trashed to be able to fight of the zombies and avoid infection!
Unfortunately this all transpires in the last five minutes or so of the film with just enough time for the credits to roll as the only awesome scene in the film goes on: The two main characters swigging at a giant jug of whiskey as they blow away zombies, laughing their asses off and waving shotguns around!

Then the film ends. 90 minutes of shit for 5 seconds of awesome? FAIL!

This film had the potential to be the zombie equivalent of the drunken master! Imagine a zombie film where the only way to survive was to be pissed out your head?

A brilliant idea, sadly lost because someone thought it was a better idea to do the same thing every other low-budget zombie film in history has ever done. Except worse.

I might have given this film 2 out of 5 for gore but I'm giving it one because it took a good idea and fucked it in the ass.



Days Of Darkness's Website - it has "Kids Can Write" in the url. If this film was written by Kindergartners then I applaud them and it would totally explain it's existence.

6 comments:

tifu said...

"And why is it that the zombie infection infects men's testicles and virgin girls?"
what? o_O


Uhm... if alcohol kills the parasite thing, should... should they not just be getting the zombies drunk instead of killing people who can easily be cured???

Spike Vicious said...

They tried getting one drunk and the results were HILARIOUS! No, not really but they should have been... DRUNK ZOMBIES?!? Fuck yes!
I guess once you're infected you're a zombie and incurable, it's just if you're drunk prior to infection...
The testicle/virgin thing is something you'd have to see the film for I think...

Anonymous said...

bebies inside penis fell off hole!

Spike Vicious said...

That sounds like a weird riddle...

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