The Amazing Screw-on Head

This film is only 22 minutes long!

Proportionally, this review should only be three lines long.

So, umm… this film was really funny yet somehow confused me on a deep level that I don’t think I quite comprehend, here’s a trailer goodbye!

The Dark Knight

Before reading this review you may want to meander on over to my review of Batman Begins, just for shits and giggles.

While you’re at it you may, before you see the film The Dark Knight, want to see Batman Begins as it seems many people neglected to see the original film before seeing the sequel.

Don’t ask me why but the reason I think it happened is because I have observed many people comment negatively on the deep, raspy, Batman-like voice that Christian Bale uses in the film.

Maybe I’m the only one who was paying attention during Batman Begins (perfectly possible) but I seem to recall this really minor character who was in a couple of scenes whose name I believe was “Batman” who had a very similar deep, raspy, Batman-like voice to the character named “Batman” in the sequel. Strangely I don’t recall anyone really caring about his voice in the original film… So either, I was the only one who noticed that Batman was in the first film in the series or else no-one else actually saw the film because none of the actors died prior to it’s release.

Why so furious?

Yeah I went there.

If you go back to my original review you’ll see that I was looking forward to Heath Ledger playing the Joker before most people even gave a shit that he was in the film.

Yes, yes, you can all bow before me later.

Hell, even when the first shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker was released and all the celeb-blogs were on about how “iffy” the whole thing was and how no-one was sure whether Heath was a good enough actor to pull of the role and Jack Nicholson went on a long-forgotten rant about why no-one but he should ever play the Joker because he’s just so awesome and untouchable I was busy thinking “Hey, Batman Begins was pretty cool and Heath looks pretty damn scary… give him a chance...”

Why so vomitous?

So fuck all you’re necrophelic asses all the way to fuck-town, buddy! I bet Heath will get an Oscar too… fuck that all to hell too. Not that I don’t think he deserved an Oscar. I thought his performance was remarkable and if it was up to me performances such as his (Original, outlandish, energetic. Unlike the usual Oscar winning roles – retarded) would be winning the Oscars every year but I know damn well that people playing the bad guy in superhero movies don’t win Oscars and if he does it’s because Hollywood is as necrophelic as the rest of the world. Did Willem Dafoe win an Oscar for the Green Goblin? No. But maybe he would have if he died before the film came out… ridonkulous, no?

Why so ridiculous?

Point is Batman’s voice isn’t annoying, it’s Batman-like.

Heath Ledger’s death shouldn’t have affected people’s perception of this film, before or after seeing it.

Christian Bale may be a mother beater, a baby eater, a dog fiddler, a drug smuggler, an international mob boss and an evil scientist hell-bent on the destruction of the human race but he is an excellent actor.

Thus concludes my review… wait, I didn’t actually say anything about the film, did I?

Why so insidious?

Fuck it…

Movie Thoughts: Tim Burton To Direct "Alice In Wonderland"?

So I just heard that Tim Burton is set to direct a remake of the classic tale, "Alice In Wonderland"!
What's up?
Did he run out of merchandise to hawk at Hot Topic?
No, but seriously, much as the idea of a Burton directed Alice In Wonderland might be whimsical and wonderful. Colorful yet gloomy. Gothic and blah blah etc. Isn't it just about the most predictable thing you could ever come up with?

It's like hearing Stephen Spielberg has decided to direct an epic war movie or Johnny Depp decided to star in a Burton film (I hear he may be the Mad Hatter, how original, I would never have thought of putting him in that role... ever...)

Come on, Tim! Have a little creativity! Do something we don't expect!
It's one thing for Spielberg to churn out epics or Michael Bay to make a film full of slow-motion explosions (or for him to butcher a bunch of classic horror films by opting not to cast Freddy Krueger as Freddy Krueger! WTF?!(By "Freddy Krueger" I mean "Robert Englund, of course)) but Tim Burton, at one time, was a somewhat inspiring and original craftsman and although I'm sure the film will be enjoyable enough it will, alas, fill me with sad, sad, CGI tears.

Do something unpredictable, please!

Tropic Thunder

Apparently there are these things called "cinemas" in which people go to see movies on a big screen along with a bunch of people they don't know. I normally review movies that appear on a much smaller screen on th television in my home but I'm pretty sure the premise is pretty much the same... here's hoping. If this review doesn't make any sense then you probably have to project the entire thing onto a 30 feet wide screen and charge people $10 to see it for it to become clear what's going on.

Anyhoo, on with the show review.


Tropic Thunder is a movie in which a group of actors making a film about the Vietnamese war end up fighting there own little Vietnamese war for real! It's a bit like The Three Amigos only with a lot more swearing, blood, explosions, gun fire and actual comedy which makes people laugh. (Or should I say it was about a bunch of dudes, playing dudes who were pretending to be dudes, playing dudes disguised as other dudes?... no, I shouldn't... ok)
It was written, directed, mixed, produced, starred and was filmed by Ben Stiller. Yes the Ben Stiller who was coincidentally the Producer of one of the last films I reviewed (The Ruins) but have no fear, this isn't becoming a Ben Stiller themed review blog.
That would be interesting but incredibly pointless and creepy.

The trailers for this film show you clearly and accurately how humorous the film is.
They also tell you how gun-totingly awesome the action scenes might be.
They also ruin one of the funniest jokes in the film.
What the trailers do not prepare you for is the Tom Cruise.

If like me you had no idea that Tom Cruise was in this film then you can send me a nice blank check in thanks for my kind warning.

I was not so lucky.

No, instead I see a rather dazzling performance which blew me away by one of the few people in the film that I didn't at least recognize from somewhere. I spend the whole movie thinking "This guy is fucking hilarious! Why can't I picture what movie he's been in... he has to have been in something?" and giving him random standing ovations because of his comical timing with words such as "cunt", "fuck" and "cocksucker". Once you've spent the whole movie wishing some sort of comedy Oscar to this vast unknown balding fellow, applauding his every dance step and twirl and cheering at every moment he's on screen... at the very moment when you have decided to relinquish all your worldly possessions to this strangely amusing stranger... right then he'll take off his glasses and you'll see those eyebrows.

It may, as it did me, take you until the actual credits for you to really be sure it was him, but believe me... it was...

You'll then realize that his whole plan was, in fact, for you to relinquish all your worldly possessions to him and join his deranged little cult.
Alas, it will be too late and upon viewing the film you'll realize that you've actually signed your life away to Fictionology and are forever doomed... all because you forgot Tom Cruise can actually, on rare occasions (at least twice) actually act well in a role you wouldn't expect and blow you away...

Curse you Tom Cruise. You've won this round, but I'll get you yet...

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go take a scouring pad to my eyeballs to try and unsee what has been seen.



UPDATE: (08 - 19 - 08) By the way, all the people protesting this movie because of the use of certain words they say are "demeaning" are retards.

Shutter (2008)

Not that many people read these reviews but just on the off-chance that someone out there is checking regularly with a plan to off themselves should my outlandishly pointless movie reviews ever ends I thought I should make it my duty to inform the world that for the next 2 weeks I most likely won't be making any reviews as I have family visiting from Scotland and frankly I'm not going to be bothered with logging in and typing random nonsense about films no-one gives a shit about.

I'm not sure the world-wide-internetwebs will survive my absence and when I return I will no doubt be returning to a blackened charred hollowed out shell where once my blog lay in all it's glory. I'll lift my head to the sky and scream for answers but none will come.
I will turn to the dark side (Yahoo!) for answers but where the might Y! once stood so strong and proud, looming over the web with a bright red (or purple) tempting light, trying to draw the droves of people away from the Google empire, there will be nothing.

All "social networking" sites will have crumbled into obscurity and people will be doing weird things like letting people know what they're up to in person and leaving the house.

Yes sirree it will be a dark dark day for mankind...

But on my arrival back, in two weeks, surely a glimmer of hope will be awakened in the masses and gradually and painstakingly we'll all find a way to rebuild the web and make Google mighty again!

Oh yeah, Shutter was a mediocre American remake of a fairly decent Japanese horror film (I couldn't believe someone came up with the brilliant idea of remaking a film either! I mean, remake, brilliant!). It was fairly pointless and followed exactly the same plot as the Japanese one with very little added, changed or taken away except that it had some guy from Dawson's Creek in it and a weird man with an unusually large forehead. In it some people went "blah blah blah" while scary things apparently happened.

The end...