Tuesday, May 8, 2007

The Wicker Man (2006)

It seems the world is full of remakes these days, everything from age old classic horror like the Hills Have Eyes to not-really-remake-so-much-as-a-new-version-of-a-character-that's-
already-been-in-a-bunch-of-films-but-it'll-sell-better-as-a-new-film-than-a-remake like Spiderman. I even hear that Al Gore remade his entire home from reconstituted toiler paper he stole from people's septic tanks. Love them or hate them, remakes are here to stay and not only that, many of them are outshadowing their original versions! Some are going way out there and making sequels that didn't exist in the original series... while others merely totter along the same plot as the original version with a slightly altered script and leave the audience with a feeling not disimalar to diarreah of the mind.
Fortunately this review is of one of the former...


While Hollywood was busy wondering how to handle remaking the age-old classic Wicker Man, directed by Robin Hardy in 1973, without creating a major international incident with Great Britain for blaspheming and malicious degradation, Nicholas Cage stormed the offices of Millenium films and demanded they cast him in the lead role of whatever their next project was!
Unable to resist his southern charm (And his nice sized AK-47 he was brandishing) they accepted and cast him in the leading role of The Wicker Man.
This greatly dissapointed Edward Woodward who had been set to reprise his role as the bumbling virgin copper and bring his tally of acting roles to at least 2!

As you can see from this picture taken at the time, he was a bit miffed.

It is possibly because of this critical change in pace from the start that made The Wicker Man remake divulge so brilliantly from the original.
For those of you unfamiliar with the happenings in the Wicker Man, the plot goes something like this:
Bumbling British Bobby, Sergenat Howie, sets off to the island of Summerisle in search of a missing girl. He finds the island quite pleasant as it is filled with naked singing women having orgies all day and singing while girating vigourously against walls. Everything is peaceful and nice until the inevitable happens and he ends up burning to death along with a half a dozen chickens and a goat.
In the remake, Nicholas Cage refused to play any sort of "virgin" or "bumbling copper" and also refused to allow his character to be seen "anywhere near a god-damned motherfucking bi-plane, you British piece of shit!", so instead his character dons a leather jacket, motorcycle and a cigar and spends the first ten minutes of the film boasting about how much slack he has between his legs.

Instead of going to Summerisle to look for a missing girl, he's going there to stop a band of international drug lords from creating a chemical weapons plant that could wipe out the entire west coast of America.

"If you can't tell me where the plant is, I swear to God, I'll rip all of your god-damned mother-fucking pagan son-of-a-whore heads off with my teeth!"

Although many of the scenes are greatly "Nicolas Cage-ized", much of the plot remains the same. Cage's character, for example, is still out to end the corrupt and vaguely pagan ways that happen on Summerisle and the character named summerisle still exists although in this version Summerisle is a woman, the idea being that there could be a bit more of a love-hate-love relationship between Cage's character and Summerisle. Unfortunately for the film makers (and Nicolas Cage) Christopher Lee refused to let anyone else play the role and so the whole movie has Christopher Lee prancing about in high heels, speaking in a high pitched voice and hitting on Nicolas Cage.

I think I prefer sacrificing virgins WHILE boosting cars!

The scenes following the dramatic and (far far far) too long love scene between Cage and Lee are confusing to say the least. Here is just one such scene...

The rest of the film from this moment on takes a strange turn and before the audience gets a chance to comprehend anything the gigantic mechanised Wicker Man is taking down Tokyo with Nicolas Cage screaming for mercy, caged up inside it's head as he tries to halt the onslaught of Japanese fighter pilots scrambling to take down the enromous monstrosity!
Needless to say, it all works out in the end and a well placed poultry makes short work of the Wicker Man and leaves Cage free to return to Summerisle where he makes short work of all it's inhabitants...

"Wicker this!"

In conclusion, I give the Wicker Man remake 2/5

The Wicker Man's Official Website

No comments: