Saturday, January 19, 2008


No, not a Chesney Hawkes biography adaptation but
Dragon War

Can I just start by saying what a fucking pile of bullshit?
Can I follow by requesting that 90 minutes of my life be returned?
I mean, I wasn't expecting anything of any substance whatsoever just from the title alone but holy crap, could someone in some aspect of making this film have fucking told someone that what they were doing was absolute rhino turd?

From what I could scavenge from the film it seemed like sometime long ago some poor fucking writer came up with a relatively harmless but enjoyable plot about some "ancient hero" revived from the past to seek out the mystical power of Yu GI Oh, or whatever it was called, which conveniently takes the form of an attractive young woman, fancy that!
Along the way the deep dark undisturbed evil is suddenly disturbed and calls upon his army of scary looking dark armored doom warrior types, furnishes them with some badly CGIed dragon-beast-dinosaur-things and they're off to seek out Yu Gi Oh for themselves for whatever reason. Something about unspeakable power... but this guy already had unspeakable power, so why bother?


The plot was harmless, it was everything else about the film that made me wish my arms would fall off, just so I'd have something to take my mind off the garbage that was puking it's way through my TV.

Each individual aspect of the film, the acting, the directing, the writing, the special effects felt like they had been performed by someone who thought the other aspects of the film were going to compensate for their lack of thought process. Don't get me wrong, none of the aspects were bad so much... for example, each scene was directed well enough, the angle was the most appropriate one for the scene, there is an appropriate cut to the next scene, but it truly feels like the director just never really spent the time making sure each scene was ideal. I know most directors can't hope to get every scene in the whole movie perfect but it damn well shows when a director didn't seem to spend any time trying to make them perfect.

Director: Well this scene ain't perfect but at least the special effects will make up for it

SFX Guy: Well these effects are a bit lame. Thank God there's a lot of talking in this film to mask it a little

Actors: Why is there a lot of talking in a film about dragons? This plot has no substance! Thank God the caterer's have good fries

Caterers: Get 'em while they're fresh!

And what's with all the fucking explosions?

I swear there were more explosions in this film than any I've seen, which just hacked me off because the budget for just one of those explosions is more than what I'd require from a studio to make a film of my own. OH I'M NOT BITTER YOU SHITTY FILMMAKERS!

Seriously though, it's like every 2 seconds something blows up. Usually it's a vehicle of some kind as it tips over and the camera stays on it as we think "Are they going to make it out of there?", but after a far too long pause for dramatic effect, BOOM! No, they ain't gonna make it, son...
A fair enough dramatic, thrilling, suspenseful trick to pull once in a while but this happens practically every time that it could possibly happen.

A helicopter gets catapulted around, smacking off every building on it's way down and smashes to the ground (by rights, it probably should have blown up already), the camera pauses on the helicopter for about 15 fucking minutes while we ponder about whether or not the two nobodies we were introduced to about 2 seconds previously will make it when BOOM! No way busto, they're gone!

A car gets stomped on by a chubby ass dinosaur, all is well, we're now following the dinosaur to see what it does when BOOM! The car explodes for no fucking reason whatsoever! We didn't even care anymore and it blew up.

The stars are climbing down the liberty building as a giant snake rattles it's way around it when BOOM! The fucking building starts to explode, just because!

The crowd is running away from the evilhordes of darkness when BOOM! Someone's head explodes.

I swear to God, in all reality a fucking dinosaur exploded in this film.
A Dinosaur Explodes.
That may sound like the most awesome thing in the fucking world but believe me it was a severe disappointments. It was a bit like if you found a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow only to find he resembled Shane McGowan and had spent his pot o' gold on a weekends supply of smack.

Oh and you know what didn't explode? A car that the two main stars of the film were in that got hit by a motherfucking fireball, flipped over on fire, then sat on it's fucking back while the flames engulfed the bastards! Not even in the time it took the flying mini-dragons that had only just flown from Los Angeles to the Mexican border in about 30 seconds to slowly edge their way to the car from 2 feet away, giving the heroes ample thinking time.

And how many times could the giant snake have just finished off the heroes with one quick snap!?
Too many! I've seen that shit on animal planet, those snakes will snap without warning and quick as lightening. Apparently though these big snakes have some sort of un-natural disadvantage when it comes to snapping up the people they've been chasing for a half-hour with the intention of snapping them up, that makes them sloooooooooooooooowly ease up into the air and spend a good 20 minutes or so waving it's big ol' CGI face around hissing wildly as if to say, "Why don't I just sit here and give anyone that could possibly distract me for a brief second do so? Sounds like fun! Ho hum..."
I mean, action films are full of this bullshit, I always allow at least one retarded scene where something conveniently doesn't blow up, or a bad guy lets the good guys escape, or suddenly forgets how to shoot straight but this film was full of it.

And full of shit!

There's also a scene lifted straight from Godzilla. If you watch this film you'll see a scene where a monster is rampaging through the city and you'll go "Oh, yeah, I guess it is a bit like Godzilla" but then the scene which is practically identical will actually happen and you'll go BOOM! and explode for no fucking reason.

I'm really hesitant to give this film 1 out of 5, because it didn't do anything particularly offensivem and I feel the people working on it could do better if they just took their fucking time.

But I'm going to give it 1 out of 5 anyway.

1 out of 5 with a chance for parole, how's that?

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